September 11, 2000 -

AWESOME A**HOLERY!

---

Adam rules his world; Fidel gives Bill a hand; and there is incivility about civil unions.

---

Those and more. Now, the details...

NAPERVILLE, Ohio -- Priccly Procto, president of the National Association of Assholes, lambasted Texas Gov. George W. Bush for referring to New Dork Times writer Adam Clymer as a "major-league asshole." Procto said, "the term asshole should not be used so loosely. Adam Clymer could well be described as a horse's ass, or an arrogant prick, but there is no excuse for tarring thousands of major, and minor, league assholes by associating them with Adam Clymer." One of Clymer's bosses issued a stiff rejoinder. "Adam has slandered numerous conservatives over the years and is `major league' by any reasonable interpretation of the term." The Times said Clymer would not be available for immediate comment. "Adam took half a day off to visit his proctologist for his annual physical and then goes back on the payroll in the afternoon for the Algore staff meeting," the Timesfink said.

Proving that Clymer is a bush-league left-wing partisan is about as difficult as establishing that Hitler was anti-Semitic. There was his loving biography of Massachusetts White Whale Ted Kennedy, in which he proclaimed the hero of Chappaquiddick to be "one of the all-time Senate greats." The Good Grey Times has been dragged, kicking and whining, into making several corrections of Clymer copy on George W. Bush. And consider the Clymer testimonial offered by Second Liar Hillary Rodham Clinton. "I like Adam Clymer. I think Adam Clymer is a superb, fair-minded reporter who, in the years I have followed him, has taught me a lot," she said. Wow.

Gov. Bush, to his credit, will not apologize for his candorous appraisal of Clymer. I am reminded of a tiff that former University of Texas basketball coach Abe Lemons had with a referee after several bad calls. Lemons: "What would you do if I called you an asshole?" Referee: "Abe, I'd toss your fat butt out of the game." Lemons: "What would you do if I just thought you're an asshole?" Referee: "Abe, you know I can't punish you for what you think." Lemons: "Okay. I think you're an asshole!"

NEW YORK -- Clintonistas say Yoah Prezdent was conned into a handshake with Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro, who approached Clinton during a photo-op session with Chinese President Jiang Zemin. "Fidel popped his thong underwear and then grabbed the President's hand when Bill reached for his zipper," said Leftie Lurche, a Clinton foreign-policy aide.

WASHINGTON -- First Daughter Chelsea Clinton is revving up to follow in her father's footsteps - intending to study history and politics as a Rhodes scholar. However, there are no indications yet that she plans to rape a campaign worker. However, there were disquieting chip-off-the-old-block reports that Chelsea is dating a White House intern. White House spinners denied that the intern is a graduate of Oral Roberts.

SAN ANTONIO, Texas -- With Jim Bowie and Davy Crockett spinning in their graves, County Clerk Gerry Rickhoff issued a marriage license for a putatively same-sex couple - a woman and a transsexual who was born a man. Jessica Wicks and Robin Manhart Wicks found a loophole (or maybe a kink) in a court ruling that defines gender only by chromosomes. Had Jessica Wicks been born a woman, their marriage would have been illegal under Texas law. The Wickses did not disclose whether they plan to become den mothers to a Cub Scout troop.

MONTPELIER, Vermont -- Meanwhile, those sensitive and tolerant Vermonters are displaying signs of incivility over homosexual "civil unions." The legislature and Democratic Gov. Howard Dean engineered a bill to make Vermont the first state to more or less legalize homosexual marriage. Many native Vermonters have reacted negatively, expressing their opinion by painting "Take Back Vermont" on barns and placing signs with the same message. Gay-friendly Vermonters contend that pro-gay signs outnumber the antis. "There are hundreds of signs all over Vermont that read `All Deliveries in Rear'," sniffed Lawrence Lispe, a Burlington interior decorator.

WASHINGTON -- Black Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney says she didn't mean to release a statement that Algore has a low "Negro tolerance level" when she released a statement saying Algore has a low "Negro tolerance level." Rep. McKinney, a Georgia Democrat, criticized Algore in commenting on a lawsuit brought by three black Secret Service agents. "I've never known him to have more than one black person around him at any given time," McKinney said. In disclaiming her statement, she warned that any evil Republican who might cite her statement would be pilloried as a major-league asshole. Meanwhile, Algore is using white volunteers to practice French-kissing Ms. McKinney to cement his primacy with black voters.

DALLAS -- Meanwhile, the concerted attacks by gay activists on the Boy Scouts aren't exactly having the desired effect. Spokesstraight Gregg Shields says the Scouts are homing in on record-high membership, having grown by 7 percent a year for the last three years. Membership growth has been particularly strong in the heavily homosexual San Francisco area, where Scout enrollment is up 28 percent in two years. In New York, a spokesman for the Times confirmed that Adam Clymer has never been a Boy Scout.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Would it be a conflict of interest if New Dork Times reporter Adam Clymer covers the annual convention of the American Association of Proctologists?

"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by: