September 18,2000 -

NONSENSE NEUROLOGY:

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Dyslexia in the news; new idiots in Hollywood; and then there are the Clintons and Algore.

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Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- Seeking to establish a beachhead for homely women in the Bush-bashing sweepstakes, Clinton apologist Gail Sheehy weighed in with a loony analysis in Vanity Fair magazine, concluding that Gov. George W. Bush suffers from dyslexia and attention-deficit disorder. Sheehy probably knows not that accusing Bush of dyslexia might be considered a compliment, since dyslexia isn't all bad. History's better-known dyslexics include Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison. Vice President Algore was unusually supportive of Bush in the matter. "I missed knowing about many illegal acts I was involved in because of ITOPD," Gore said. He said ITOPD is Iced Tea Overdose Potty Disorder, which allegedly took him out of the room while illegal fund-raising plans were being hatched in the White House. Algore said Bush should stand firm. "There is no controlling neurological authority," Algore said.

Meanwhile, the First Molester latched onto the dyslexia argument as a belated defense for his dalliance with former White House Shop-Vac Monica Lewinsky. Clinton said it is possible that he is dyslexic. He explained the Lewinsky case this way: "It all began when I was concerned about Monica's possibly driving while intoxicated and I asked her if she had ever had an IUD," Clinton said.

DOVER, Delaware -- Samantha Sidewise, president of Dyspeptic Dyslexics of Delaware, leaped to Bush's defense in the brouhaha over the word "RATS" appearing for one-thirtieth of a second on a boob-toob commercial about Algore. "This was a clear sign that Gov. Bush admires Algore as a person. Any dyslexic knows he was calling Algore a `STAR'." Not all dyslexics were so forgiving of Bush's conduct of late. Rojam Eugael Elohssa singled out Bush's depiction of New Dork Timestwister Adam Clymer as a "Major League Asshole." Rojam said, "Read my name as a dyslexic and you'll see why it really pisses me off."

LONDON -- Actress Susan Sarandon - who won an Oscar for Dead Man Walking - doesn't like Gov. George W. Bush because he upholds Texas' death-penalty law. The Hollywood intellectual had this to say about capital punishment: "It is arbitrary and capricious, it is racist and it doesn't work. It is not a deterrent. All of those things are facts." They, of course, are not. But Sarandon got it right in a companion tirade when she said: "People unfortunately listen to celebrities more than they do the news." I couldn't agree more.

Sarandon's spasm of Dead Brain Talking followed a similar anti-Bush screed by director Robert Altman, who said a Bush victory would "be a catastrophe for the whole world." Altman pledged to boost the median national IQs of France and the United States by moving to France if Bush wins. (Not being a Hollywood intellectual, I thought France was part of the world.) However, Bobby, we have a saying in Texas. Don't let the door hit you in the ass.

FRESNO, California -- Over the past few generations, California has richly earned the sobriquet of The Granola State because it often appears that what ain't fruits is nuts. Democrats have pandered to the substantial gay/lesbian population more often than not. However, not everyone in California agrees with rampaging gaydom. A group calling itself "Stop the Insanity" is pressuring Davis to veto four bills backed by gays. Proponents of the bills say they are aimed at hate crimes; opponents contend they have more to do with further inculcating California students with a view that the gay lifestyle is wonderful. Karon Ruiz, of Fresno, spoke with delicious, if unintended, irony at a rally opposing the bills. The mother of four said, "Tolerance is one thing, but pushing things down people's throats is another."

MONTPELIER, Vermont -- Vermont primary-election voters got rid of five state legislators who made the Green Mountain State the first of the 50 to more or less legalize homosexual marriages. "We want to stop this before we have to change the state designation to Queen Mounting State," said an opponent.

WASHINGTON -- Algore and the Democratic National Committee sought $600,000 in shakedown donations from a sextet of Texas legal scum, based on Clinton's promise to veto a tort-reform law. Shocking? Nah. Just business as usual in the Clinton/Algore White House. Algore is expected to contend he never read the notes about his calls to the Texas lawyers. "Algore spilled iced tea all over them and ran to the bathroom before he could make the calls," a DNC official said, adding: "Just for the record, we understand Texas is so polluted and backward that all the lawyers left years ago and moved to Massachusetts." But there are lawyers in Texas and many of them hate Gov. George W. Bush because he pushed hard, and successfully, for reform of out-of-control verdicts in civil lawsuits.

JARRATT, Virginia -- There was another terminal case of Oops! Disease for death-penalty opponents. Derek Barnabei met the cleansing needle on Virginia's death row after last-minute DNA tests conclusively identified Derek as the man who raped and bludgeoned his 17-year-old girlfriend in 1993, then threw her body into Norfolk's Lafayette River. Barnabei's standing as an Italian-American even drew Pope John Paul II into making a boneheaded clemency appeal. Barnabei contended that Sarah Wisnosky had scratched her murderer and that the real killer's DNA would be found beneath her fingernails. He was correct.

NEW YORK -- Second Felon Hillary Clinton has been renting out the White House and the presidential retreat at Camp David to people who give big bucks to her flagging U.S. Senate campaign. As usual, Mrs. Clinton saw nothing wrong with turning the White House into a flophouse for fat cats. She said the overnight visits are for "friends, and people we're getting to know." In Bill's case, it's probably also for people he is getting to know in the Biblical sense.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Susan Sarandon were given the death penalty, would medical science be able to establish whether she was brain dead before the lethal injection?

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