September 25, 2000 -

VITUPERATIVE VICTIMOLOGY!

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Tipper's Mom is a victim; there's bussing on Oprah; and felons sometimes can't vote for Al or Hill.

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Those, and more. Now, the details...

NASHVILLE, Tennessee -- Bad week for Algore. First he couldn't remember the word for a female breast exam. Mammogram. Then he blatantly lied, in public and with the television cameras running, about his mother-in-law allegedly being ripped off when she buys her arthritis medication, while the Algore dawg supposedly gets a yellow-dawg Democrat good deal. Trouble is that Algore's figures came from nowhere. We aren't even certain if his beloved mother-in-law even takes an arthritis drug. However, an Algore spokesman said the VP got his ma-in-law/dawg facts mangled because of Gov. George W. Bush. "There is a story going around that the evil Bush people said Al's mother-in-law was an old bitch on medication and he just went nuts," said an Algorerithm. However, Goreonians were steadfast in their belief that Algore knows all about sick puppies, since his parents had one.

Algore was incensed when Gov. Bush kissed talk-show queen Oprah Winfrey, who didn't get a kiss from Algore when she interviewed him. Algore spokesthing Frisky LaGaye issued a statement. "The Vice President supports forced bussing, but only if Tipper is nearby - or when Al Sharpton drops his pants." Algore explained to insiders that he sometimes lies because he was born as a Negro on a plantation and had to tell falsehood after falsehood to escape slavery. "I am, after all, the man who invented the Underground Railroad," Algore said.

Meanwhile, the White House was forced to release a general list of the 404 people who were fortunate enough to spend the night in the Lincoln Bedroom or at Camp David since Hillary began her Senate campaign. The list is not diverse, by Clinton standards, since only one person could immediately be identified as being under indictment.

WASHINGTON -- Something called The Sentencing Project projects that nearly 1.4 million black men of voting age won't be able to exercise their ballot privilege because evil state laws don't allow felons to vote. The study said that amounts to 35 percent of all black males, who could have voted if they had gone into voting instead of, say, carjacking. The study says two percent of all Americans, or 3.9 million, won't be able to vote. If you are a not-yet-convicted felon and want to preserve your privilege, I'd recommend you move to Massachusetts, Maine or Vermont, which allow prisoners to vote. I wonder how Vermont felon/voters will come down on the issue of "domestic partners," sometimes known as cellmates?

There was good news for and from two not-yet-convicted lawbreakers. Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno said she has found no basis for investigating Algore's role in auctioning off a presidential veto to Texas trial lawyers.

NEW YORK -- In its never-ending campaign to do away with capital punishment, the New Dork Times produced a 2,000-word yawner asserting that states without a death penalty don't have higher homicide rates than those which do. Some of us ask, so what? And that's without observing that a bright high-school freshman could look at the statistical evidence of the New Dork Times and conclude it's full of beans. For one thing, it's downright stupid to look at such figures outside of regional trends. Vermont and Maine, for instance, have always had lower homicide rates than Texas and Louisiana. However, the recidivism rate among people who have undergone the Ultimate Penalty is zero. And there is nothing wrong with a punishment that happens to fit a crime, unless you happen to be an idiot - or work for the New Dork Times. (Yes, I know there is some overlap.)

WASHINGTON -- Maureen Dowd, the verbally talented psychotic who writes for the New Dork Times, delivered an unusually brain-impaired defense of Second Felon Hillary Clinton. Keep in mind that the deeply disturbed Dowd once ran down the list of all presidential candidates of the day and announced she would joyfully bed all but Gary Bauer. This week she huffed that Rick Lazio was rude to Hillary in their televised debate. Neither Lazio nor Bauer has gone into mourning.

LOS ANGELES -- Bad news for America. Actor Alec Baldwin took back remarks that he would leave the country if George W. Bush is elected President. This apparently is one of the few times Baldwin has gone back on his word. His wife, Kim Basinger, says Baldwin always "stands completely behind what he says." During the impeachment follies, for instance, Baldwin said Rep. Henry Hyde and his family should be stoned to death for bothering President Clinton.

NEW YORK -- There's something about the creep rapper Eminem that irritates Danny Goldberg, the big enchilada of Artemis Records. Maybe Eminem's lyrics about chopping people up? Nah. Maybe the one where Eminem raps about raping his mother? Nope. Well then could it be the one where Eminem waxes eloquent about hacking women with machetes and painting the porch with their blood? Not that one either. However, Danny Boy, in a TV interview, said he is offended by some of Eminem's anti-gay comments. It's good to know there is a music mogul who has standards.

JACKSONVILLE, Florida -- Democratic Congressfinagler Corrine Brown got a pass from the House ethics committee, despite having taken favors of substantial value from an African businessman. The businessman let Rep. Brown stay in his luxury condo in Miami and gave a $50,000 Lexus sedan to Brown's daughter. Outside observers had considered the gifts a bit irregular, since Brown tried to get Attorney General Stonewall to release the businessman after he was convicted of bribing a U.S. Customs officer. The condo stay and car arrived after her plea to Stonewall.

NASHVILLE, Tennessee -- Maybe the headline on the AP story was an attempt to be subliminal. AP's headline on a story about Gov. George Bush's proposal to spend $67 billion to promote cures for fatal diseases began this way: "Bush Seeks More Funds for Disease." An Algore spokesfink said the headline was accurate, observing: "Bush is the guy who puts the word RATS in TV commercials and we all know that rats spread disease."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Does Firestone sell condoms?

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