October 2, 2000 -

VICARIOUS VICTIMOLOGY!

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Ricky fails his last test; there's the return of the Newt, solving all the mysteries about rats and moles.

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Now, the details...

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Another "victim" of DNA testing: Ricky McGinn. Ricky met the Cleansing Needle on Texas Death Row Wednesday for raping his 12-year-old stepdaughter, then killing her with an ax. Ricky trespassed on our oxygen from 1993, when he was first arrested. Late in the interminable appeals, Ricky demanded DNA tests. Gov. George W. Bush ordered a compassionate 30-day reprieve for McGinn, until the DNA tests conclusively proved McGinn was a killer, correctly convicted and sentenced. Rest quietly in hell, Ricky.

WASHINGTON -- Paid liar Joe Lockhart has told his last whopper and stoned his last wall for Yoah Prezdent. Lockhart ended his tenure as Clinton press secretary on Friday, vowing to take some time off from spinning, dissembling and coverupping to give some lectures before he takes a new job. Semi-retired slasher O.J. Simpson was quick to pounce on the news. "I could use a guy like Lockhart," Simpson said. Lockhart did not respond to Simpson's interest, but said he would have portrayed Nicole Brown Simpson as a stalker, had he been working for The Juice. Lockhart also declined an offer to work as Secretary of Whoppers for Algore. "I have spent years lying for one of the best liars in the world and have no interest in the Falsehood Bush Leagues," Lockhart sniffed.

MARIETTA, Georgia -- Now we can tie it all together. It's Newt Gingrich's fault. Slipping in the polls, Algore went back to his old briefing book, which has one line: Newt is evil. Gore tried to link Gov. George W. Bush's health- care proposals to Gingrich. Anything Bush proposes, Algore says, comes by way of Newt. Thus we have solved the mystery of the "RATS" line that appeared on a Bush commercial; and the "mole" story about an Algore secret agent in the Bush campaign. "If you think about it," said Prissy LeGaye, an Algore spokessomething, "a rat is a small rodent, as is a mole. And the next thing on the chart is a newt, which is a salamander," Prissy puffed. Algore added that not all salamanders are evil, just one variety of Newt.

ATLANTA -- CNN intellectual Christiane Amanpour "clarified" her laughable criticism of Gov. George W. Bush. It seems that Christiane wasn't talking about Bush when she said: "Why have we given George W. Bush such an easy ride...until now...when actually his qualifications are questionable?" It seems that Christiane, a foreign correspondent for the Clinton News Network, sometimes known as CNN, was speaking "from my perspective as an international correspondent." Mrs. Amanpour's husband is Jamie Rubin Amanpour, former spokesthing for Madeleine Halfbright. Jamie said, "Whatever you say, honey."

TOW, Texas -- There are times when the New Dork Times makes me wish I knew of a better country, so I could go there. The newspaper took a typically hemorrhoidal Timesian look at the influence of late-night comedians on the political process and reported, probably accurately, that dimwits such as Jon Stewart provide much of what many young people know about issues and candidates. The Times profile featured Alexis Boehmler, a junior studying English at Davidson College. Alexis says she finds CNN boring and gets her news from Stewart. The part that makes me wonder if fleeing the country might not be a bad idea is simple: Timesdorque Marshall Sella describes Airhead Alexis as "bright and well versed, with strong views on the abortion issue and other political matters." It will be a couple of years before Alexis has her own political commentary show - or is writing for the Times.

SANTA FE, New Mexico -- No less an expert on battering women than Bill Clinton made a shameless appearance with advocates for battered women in New Mexico. Clinton said Congress should renew a law designed to reduce domestic violence against women. Standing beside a rape victim, Clinton is believed to have muttered: "You ought to put some ice on that." Mrs. Juanita Broaddrick was not available for comment.

LOS ANGELES -- Often-arrested Martin Sheen, who plays a sensitive Democratic president on NBC TV's hit series The Left Wing, has made a television ad excoriating Gov. George W. Bush. In the commercial, Sheen says Gov. Bush is a disaster on gun control. Sheen shines through in the propaganda for Handgun Control. On The Left Wing (or maybe it's The West Wing), Sheen plays President Bartlett, a sensitive, caring type who, unlike Sheen, never gets arrested in anti-nuclear or environmental-wacko protests.

MIAMI -- This qualifies as a "Whoops!" It seems that Denny's restaurants, fed up with phony civil rights lawsuits, is now suing the suers. The latest victims of Denny's were Ronald Flagler and Janet Jones. Ronald and Janet, both black, told a demeaning tale of being shunted to the rear of a Miami-area Denny's. They said they were ignored for almost an hour while whites were seated and served. However, a Denny's security videotape shows Ronald and Janet being greeted courteously, seated promptly, then leaving just as promptly, probably to contact a shyster to file a phony lawsuit. Denny's is suing Ronald and Janet for the legal expenses incurred in defending itself against their lawsuit.

NEW ORLEANS -- Smut lawyers say pornographers have only one choice in the November elections. One lawyer, speaking to a gathering of Internet pornographers, said Gore-Lieberman is the way to go. "I'm telling you, if [Bush] gets elected, you guys better fasten your seat belts," attorney Clyde DeWitt told the attendees. Puhr Virht, who runs a smut site in Cincinnati, said he couldn't fasten his seat belt because his significant other had fastened his handcuffs too tightly. "Do you really think Bush will give us pain?" he asked, adding: "I just love pain."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Clinton wants to compete in the 2004 games, will the Olympics recognize synchronized lying as a sport?

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