October 9, 2000 -

MASTERFUL MANIPULATION:

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Al's larger than life (with a little help from his friends); Ted gives, grudgingly; and then there is politics.

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Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- It seems the Clinton News Network (sometimes known as CNN) puffed up Algore a bit in the first presidential candidate debate. Specialists found that Algore's dour visage was six percent larger than that of Gov. George W. Bush, when CNN went to "split-screen" shots. A CNN spokesman defended the decision to pump Algore. "Everybody knows that trees are larger than humans," he/she/it said. CNN also defended Algore on his lie about being in Texas when wildfires broke out. "Trees were in peril and he was personally terrified." A spokesman for Algore confided that the problem with falsehoods came from the Veep's following advice on loosening up from President Clinton. "The President said, `Al, you need to get some strange tail' and Al misunderstood."

TOW, Texas -- The polls show the presidential race as a dead heat. Even Gore-lining CNN seems to have resisted the temptation to inflate Algore's numbers by 6 percent in the CNN/Gallup poll. However, CNN founder Ted Turner did not deny that he plans to change the name of his company to GNN if Algore wins the election.

GORDON, Nebraska -- Billionaire left-winger Turner can be very conservative - when it comes to expressing gratitude. Sometimes known as Mr. Jane Fonda, Ted is the nation's largest landowner and one property is a bison ranch near Gordon. Wildfires consumed 26,000 acres of grassland, mostly on Turner's ranch, and the Gordon Volunteer Fire Department was out $42,000 in equipment wear and tear to put it out. Turner's response was a $500 donation to the Gordon VFD. A Turner spokesthing said money is tight at the moment because there are so many liberal causes that need Turner's money. "And Jane is thinking of attending a no-class reunion in Hanoi," he/she/it added.

LOS ANGELES -- Timing it for the eve of the first Bush/Gore debate, the Los Angeles Times produced a ridiculous story trying to prove that virtually all violent crime in Texas is attributable to people who hold permits to carry concealed handguns. The Timesdorques somehow failed to mention that Texans who hold concealed-carry permits are six times less likely than other citizens to commit crimes of any sort. The Times story, of course, produced a spinoff hatchet job by CBS News, attacking Gov. George W. Bush. One likely result probably will come from Southern California cops. Since the LA Times obviously is after Bush, chances are good that 95 percent of police officers and their families will vote for him.

In other political news, something called the Covenant of the Goddess poll canvassed 31,241 witches over the last nine months and found that 86 percent of all witches are registered to vote. Twelve percent of all witches apparently live in California, eight percent in Texas. In other witch news, Hillary Clinton has a small lead over Rick Lazio in polls.

WASHINGTON -- Having studied at the foot of the master, Algore just can't stop himself. It seems Algore's latest big lie is that his uncle was gassed in World War I, well before Algore invented the gas mask, the poison gas reserve or the Internet. Evil Republicans are keeping track, putting forth the un-American notion that, maybe, just maybe, Algore can't distinguish the truth. "It is clear that there is no controlling factual authority," Algore said, modestly mentioning that he invented the polygraph.

DES MOINES, Iowa -- All of us who love SUVs and pickup trucks should thank Winifred Skinner, the old fraud who told Algore on TV that she collects cans to pay for her medication. Winifred loves Algore so much that she drove her gas-guzzling Winnebago from Des Moines to Boston for the presidential debate. Estimated gasoline cost: $555, meaning Winifred will have to pick up 11,100 cans to pay her gasoline bill (and she'll need her heart medicine after that).

In still other political news, Minnesota Gov. Jesse (The Flake) Ventura said he spent a night at the White House and that he and President Fondler stayed up until 4 a.m., talking about cigars. Asked for comment, former White House humidor Monica Lewinsky giggled, "A lady would never tell."

SAN FERNANDO, California -- It's time to celebrate idiots. So we go to Ed Asner, the actor, who took the witness stand to praise an award-winning screenplay written by a convicted cop-killer. Kenneth Gay, now 42, was convicted in 1985 of helping a companion kill Los Angeles motorcycle cop Paul Verna. At issue in the court hearing was whether Gay should receive a new death sentence, his prior one having been overturned because his lawyer was incompetent. Asner praised Gay's children's stories as heart-warming. Under questioning, however, Asner said he had never personally read the screenplay. And Ed couldn't remember the name of the police officer his sensitive friend, Gay, helped to murder.

EAST PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island -- Onna Moniz-John, who has the weighty job of "affirmative action officer" for East Providence, has been able to find racism and wants to nip it in the spud. Onna's whines prompted the Rhode Island Department of Tourism to remove a six-foot statue of Mr. Potato Head. Onna said Mr. Potato Head's brown skin made it a racist symbol. The artist defended herself insufficiently, at least so far as dimbulbs of Onna's ilk are concerned. She said Mr. Potato Head's skin is brown because potatoes are brown. Despite the flap, many of us found the most intriguing part of all this the fact that Rhode Island has a Department of Tourism. We hope all three tourists were not dissuaded by the brouhaha.

WASHINGTON -- The Postal Service's $35 vanity book, An American Postal Portrait, is being shipped to book reviewers by United Parcel Service. Book Trascher, a spokesman for the national association of reviewers, said he believed reviews of American Postal Portrait would be favorable. "I might have trashed Shakespeare, but I wouldn't have been afraid he would shoot me," Trascher said.

MONTPELIER, Vermont -- It seems the vast majority of the kinks seeking "civil unions" certificates for same-sex couples aren't from Vermont. The Vermont Health Department recorded more than 800 civil unions from July 1 through this week and found that more than 600 are people from elsewhere - from Canada or overseas. "We believe there should be a ban on out-of-state perverts," sniffed Strange Fellough of Burlington, fondling his life partner, Kinque E. LaGrone.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Since Clinton is the McDonald's President, is Algore the man from Burger King? (You know. Home of the Whopper.)

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