October 16, 2000 -

PANDEMONIUM PATHOLOGY!

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Roswell again; an endorsement of positive personal attacks;

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and more. Now, the details...

ROSWELL, New Mexico -- The Center for Inexplicable Algore Phenomena is working on a theory to shed light on Algore's pathological inability to stick to the truth. Knutt Kase, Center director, explained: "Now we all know that Algore was born, nine months to the day, after aliens landed near Roswell. We have unearthed old photographs that show the alien spacecraft, clearly marked with Bush/Cheney bumper stickers," Kase said.

TOW, Texas -- Algore and Joe have something right, even if just barely. I, too, am tired of "negative personal attacks." Now Algore views a negative personal attack as anything that doesn't applaud him as the inventor of the Internet and probable salvation from the AIDS virus and athlete's foot. However, let's give the lad some slack. Everyone should concentrate on Positive Personal Attacks. In Algore's case, that might be: "For a pathological liar, he sometimes tells the truth." Lieberman? "He appears to be a nice fellow, even if he is a silly, slimy, little left-wing geek with the ideological constancy of quicksand."

NASHVILLE -- Algore wants to work a few more kinks into the fabric of America's fruited plain. President Algore would extend to homosexual couples the same priority immigration status now given heterosexual married couples. The only good news in Algore's views, as expressed in interview at an MTV town hall forum, is that he called homosexual alliances" civil unions." During the presidential debates Algore consistently referred to them as "civic unions." And in case you thought Vermont has a good idea with same-sex "civil unions," consider that Hillary Clinton believes such laws should be extended to the entire nation.

OKLAHOMA CITY -- In an event completely unrelated to immigration, the Oklahoma Court of Criminal Appeals set a January 11 execution date for Wanda Jean Allen, who murdered her lesbian lover outside a police station in 1988. Wanda Jean, 41, is one of three women on death row in Oklahoma, earning her spot by gut-shooting Gloria Jean Leathers, 29, who drove to the police station after a domestic dispute with Wanda Jean. Wanda Jean previously received a four-year prison sentence for first-degree manslaughter in the shooting death of Detra Pettus in 1981. We can hope Oklahoma has a woman executioner. It would be somehow fitting.

WASHINGTON -- In yet another demonstration of extraordinary incompetence, or something much worse, three of the "companies" the Clintonistas chose to sell millions of barrels of taxpayer-owned oil turn out to exist mostly on paper. One already forfeited the three million barrels of oil it was "awarded" from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. Another, Lance Stroud Enterprises, is "headquartered" in Mr. Stroud's mother's apartment in Harlem. The administration gave Mr. Stroud rights to sell 4 million barrels (worth about $133 million).

TEL AVIV -- Democratic vice presidential candidate Joe Lieberman announced he was indeed not a cousin of Hillel Lieberman, an American-born Jewish settler killed by Palestinians in Israel. Hillary Clinton announced that her maiden name could have been Hillary Lieberman Rodham and that she believes she is the victim's cousin, or something.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Criticized by Algore and the media for believing that the death penalty trumps an "enhanced punishment" for a hate crime, Gov. George W. Bush needs thoughts on toughening the sentences of the condemned in Texas. How about forcing the inmate to sleep with an inflatable Hillary Clinton doll?

NEW YORK -- The mighty New Dork Times is all for campaign finance reform. The Times thunders that big money and big power should be held to account. So maybe the geniuses at the Times can figure out how to declare, in dollar terms, the support it gives to New York Senate candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton. When Jews outside the Israeli Consulate in Midtown Manhattan booed the first lady strongly, the Times buried the story as the No. 12 item on its web page (after you clicked More New York Regional News). Mrs. Clinton and Republican candidate Rick Lazio were mentioned in paragraph 6 of the story, as attending. In paragraph 8 of the story, Timesdorque Eric Lipton writes: "Mrs. Clinton clearly had the harder time, as she was loudly booed by some in the crowd throughout her speech..." (One got the impression that Mr. Lipton adores the Second Coverupper.) Anyway, other New York publications put the story of Hillary being booed on their front pages. In money, what would be the figure for the Times' continuing twisting of ethics and mangling facts to support Hillary? (Start with six zeroes after the number.)

NEW YORK -- Its image tarnished by a skein of goofs, the New Dork Times has created a new editorial position: corrections commissioner. Editor Patrick LaForge will have the assignment of forcing erring writers and editors to explain, in writing, why they screwed up and how they might have avoided doing it. Times sources say initial staffing of the correction operation will be 50 people, including five guys from Brooklyn named Vinnie.

ANCHORAGE, Alaska -- Republican Sen. Ted Stevens, chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee, was able to convince Ralston Purina Co. to donate 22.5 tons of Purina Dog Chow to Alaska. The story was that a poor run of salmon in Alaska might force Alaskans to kill their sled dogs, rather than let them starve. Algore said he might ask Stevens to get a few tons of arthritis medicine for his mother and his dog.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: A friend confesses he doesn't like listening to Dr. Laura. Does this mean he is homosexual?

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