October 23, 2000 -

PERPENDICULAR POLITICS!

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Algore goes from tepid to turgid and fewer lamebrains plan to pollute the process.

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Those, and more. Now, the details...

NASHVILLE, Tennessee -- Is America ready for another President with a screaming erection? The question comes up, so to speak, because of a cover photo for Rolling Stone magazine in which Algore appears to be, well, aroused. Campaign insiders denied that the further stiffening of Algore was an attempt to attract undecided nymphomaniacs and gays to his campaign. "The truth is that Algore's turgid state for the Rolling Stone photo arose because there were several comely Norfolk Pines directly behind the photographer, waving seductively," said campaign spokesman Phal Lick-Cymbell. He/she/it said the photo should not be construed to mean Algore is asserting there is an erection gap between him and Gov. George W. Bush. Yoah Prezdent said the Rolling Stone photo should attract a good crop of California interns to an Algore presidency. However, Clinton said he was concerned about the message. "I mean, with me everybody could look at a photo and know that, 'Hey, this guy just wants to screw a few people'. With Algore the evil Republicans will try to use the photo to make people believe that this guy wants to screw EVERYBODY." Tippergore said the photo flap was overblown. "This is the kind of thing that happens occasionally when the gardener overdoses my husband with Peter's Special plant food," she said.

The Algore photo panicked some traditional Algore supporters. Environmentalist Trei Huggre said the randy-looking Gore was frightening. "We can't keep from wondering if this new-look Algore might presage a change in his environmental positions - maybe signaling intentions to rape the rain forests," Huggre said.

WASHINGTON -- Algore might be trying to show off his airbrushed little thingie, but Bill still takes the cake for the biggest set of stones. Clinton told a gay publication that the vast right-wing conspiracy went after him because the VRWC didn't have gays or blacks to kick around any more. Clinton, however, couldn't offer a good excuse for why he hasn't signed any gay-rights legislation in almost eight years. Chances are that he will try to blame George W. Bush for that. Insiders said Clinton is trying to recruit gay Boy Scouts as interns to take up some of the slack. Asked for comment, Miss Monica Lewinsky said Clinton should continue to do a good intern daily, regardless of sexual orientation.

NEW YORK -- There is good news. Fewer idiots and know-nothings plan on voting this year. Betsy Frank, a research guru for MTV, said people aged 18 to 24 have "tuned out" the presidential campaign in huge numbers. Now why is this good news? Because 25 percent of the 18-to-24 set couldn't name the two major presidential candidates and 70 percent couldn't identify their running mates.

BOULDER, Colorado -- Jane Fonda, campaigning in Colorado against a constitutional amendment that would require a 24-hour waiting period for abortions, said she has no plans to run for president. "It's important that we all remain realistic. I couldn't be elected dog catcher," Fonda said. True enough, but Jane probably could be elected mayor of Ho Chi Minh City. In fairness, the question about a Fonda presidency came from a bystander. Probably someone from the majority profile of MTV's research.

NORFOLK, Virginia -- Those vaunted military experts in the nation's media hooted in August when George W. Bush mistakenly referred to the crew of an aircraft carrier as "soldiers," instead of "sailors." We have yet to discern a snicker this week over the First Draft Dodger's flub about the 17 people who died on the USS Cole. It came when Clinton and Defense Secretary Bill Cohen were in Norfolk to pay homage to the 17 "soldiers" who died in the line of duty. In other news of media lamebrains, a story on the CNN website snippily asserted that Bush "mispronounced" the word "gargantuan" as "gorgantuan" in discussing Algore's big-government predilections. Some of us would bet the mispronunciation was intentional - and in writing would have been GORE-gan-tuan.

Speaking of idiots, America's favorite gap-toothed lamebrain tried to be serious when Gov. Bush appeared on the "Late Show with David Letterman." Letterman babbled on about the death penalty and pollution. Bush, who suffers fools quite well, was funnier than Letterman.

ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico -- The chief federal judge in New Mexico has identified a Clinton legacy: the legalization of perjury. Judge James A. Parker told prosecutors it wasn't fair to seek a strict prison sentence for a lying drug dealer when his conduct wasn't as egregious as Yoah Prezdent displayed in lying and stonewalling in the Paula Jones civil suit and the Monica Lewinsky investigation. The lucky legacy liar is Ruben Renteria Sr., who might move to Arkansas, marry an ambitious blonde from Illinois, set up a law practice and run for governor.

ALEXANDRIA, Virginia -- There is a ton of hatred in a Virginia courtroom where a hate crime is being discussed - without calling it a hate crime. Gregory Devon Murphy, 29, cold-cocked his lawyer, Jonathan Shapiro, during a hearing on his murder case. Gregory Devon's sucker punch came with no warning. Shapiro was attempting to represent Murphy in a case in which he is accused of murdering 8-year-old Kevin Shifflett. Witnesses said the boy was stabbed by a black man as he played outside his home. Official records indicate Murphy has a significant history of racially motivated violence. A note found in his motel room read: "Kill them raceess whiate kidd's anyway." Murphy says both his white lawyers are racists. He asked the presiding judge to appoint two female lawyers - one black and one black - to defend him.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Algore falls in the forest, could anyone hear him sigh?

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