October 30, 2000 -

RASCALLY REINVENTIONISM!

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Algore lies again and the Democrats say Dubya has been killing people in nursing homes.

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Those, and more. Now, the details...

NASHVILLE -- Algore pledged he would not add one person doing work for the federal government, "not even by one position." That's easy to get around. It is likely that only about half the people on the government payroll actually do work. In New York, Miss Monica Lewinsky said Algore sounds just like Bill. "Same thing. Just the one position. Always the same position."

GRAND RAPIDS, Michigan -- Senior citizens in Yankeeland are getting telephone calls from the Democratic party warning them that Gov. George W. Bush kills nursing-home residents, when he's not sucking the brains out of Texas schoolchildren, executing innocent felons, promoting hate crimes, despoiling the environment and taking the Texas economy below that of Bangladesh. Political observers say the Algore campaign might even turn negative, since panic is setting in.

EVERETT, Washington -- There is quite a lot of political humor in the New Dork Times. One just has to look for it. I found a gem in an Algore campaign story by a Timesdorque named Kevin Sack. Sack generally bemoans the fact that Algore is having to campaign hard in states that should be in his pocket (Tennessee for instance) and concludes that Algore has problems. The gem comes in a Sackian listing of Algore's problems, including "...the lingering tendency of some voters to associate Mr. Gore with a scandal-ridden White House." When O.J. Simpson runs for president, Sack probably will whine that voters have a lingering tendency to associate Simpson with beheading beautiful blondes.

And the Times, arguably the most gay-friendly of America's big dailies, appeared to report on cross-dressing in the Clinton cabinet. Witness this from a Timesdorque covering Madeleine Halfbright's trip to Communist North Korea: "The biggest surprise was the invitation to Dr. Albright to attend the spectacle at the sports stadium this evening, where she arrived with Mr. Kim, wearing his standard khaki jacket and pants." There was no indication that Kim was wearing anything belonging to Mrs. Halfbright.

NEW YORK -- A rabbinical court in Brooklyn excommunicated Joe Lieberman, the Democratic vice presidential nominee. The New York Torah Court said Lieberman wasn't exactly an orthodox Jew since he supports partial-birth abortion, homosexual unions and religious intermarriage. The malleable Lieberman indicated he would have to check with Algore the Baptist before he decides what he thinks about the decision of the special court of rabbis.

NEW YORK -- There was bad news for New York City. In her final debate with Senate challenger Rick Lazio, Hillary Clinton pledged she intends to remain in New York for the rest of her life.

WASHINGTON -- Now let's try to get this one straight. The Clinton Administration has told us that no U.S. missile secrets have been compromised on Clinton's watch, but the Pentagon is hiring 450 more counterintelligence specialists to protect defense secrets. There is speculation that the administration plans to recruit the counterspies by checking records of foreign campaign contributors and through classified ads in Beijing newspapers.

HYATTSVILLE, Maryland -- One of the zaniest stories of the week came from the "Quixote Center," asserting that 16 men in seven states have been executed despite "compelling evidence of their innocence." Four of the maltreated "innocents" breathed their last in Texas, under the aegis of Gov. George W. Bush. One was the evil Gary Graham, who was almost as innocent of his crimes as was Jack Ruby in the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald.

The Quixote Center's efforts to cast doubt on Bush were innocent in comparison with the efforts of ABC, NBC and CBS. The networks went bonkers with stories over a phony "issue paper" by some Rand Corporation Algoreonians which tried to discredit a full report by Rand on education in Texas. The story was buried inside by most newspapers but got top billing on the networks, which managed to ignore another story: that Algore made secret deals to allow Russia to sell weapons to Iran.

WASHINGTON - Political USA.com announced a contest in which a prize will go to the person who guesses the exact date Bill Clinton calls for a military strike to help Algore get elected. It's known as the "Bomb Away Contest." (My personal guess is November 4).

MIAMI -- In yet another decision somehow emblematic of the Clinton era, a three-judge Florida court ruled that cursing a police officer is not a crime. The decision came in the case of Wilbert Lee, 17, who used offensive language when police approached him on a south Miami street, then arrested him for disorderly conduct. The ACLU sniffed that Lee's foul mouth was justified because he and his 20 fellows on the street were black.

NEW ORLEANS -- The 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals affirmed what every courthouse reporter knows: there are some times during a trial when sleeping doesn't hurt anybody. A 2-1 decision by a special panel told U.S. District Judge David Hittner to take a nap over his order that murderer Calvin Burdine be given a new trial or set free. Burdine was convicted of capital murder in 1984 in the stabbing death of his former roommate, even though his court-appointed attorney, Joe Cannon, reportedly fell asleep two to five times during trial. The 5th Circuit applied logic to Burdine's thunderous ruling that "a sleeping counsel is equivalent to no counsel at all." The judges said they would prefer lawyers stay awake, but said the "ineffective counsel" contention depended on whether the lawyer slept during important parts of the trial. Asked for comment on the 5th Circuit opinion, Judge Burdine snarled: "You woke me up just to ask me that?"

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Jane Curtain has a baby with Adam Clymer, will the kid be known as Curtain-Clymer?

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