November 6, 2000 -

KINETIC KENNEDYOGRAPHY!

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Bush rumored to be a Teddy Bear; There's Know-Nothing Joe and more.

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Now, the details...

KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine -- Hordes of Maine police officers fanned out at a rumor that Texas Gov. George W. Bush had once been charged with Impersonating a Kennedy after a DUI-related traffic stop 24 years ago. "We know there is a likelihood that there is a woman's body in a submerged automobile somewhere near Kennebunkport," said a state police spokesman, adding: "and Impersonating a Kennedy means there must be a rape victim we haven't heard about." Officers also interviewed underage but sexually active babysitters to find those who might have had sex with Bush. "Once a Kennedy, always a Kennedy," said a police spokesthing.

STAMFORD, Connecticut -- From the land that knows Joe Lieberman best comes word that every major Connecticut newspaper has endorsed the Bush/Cheney ticket. Among those, of course, is the Hartford Courant, which has long preened about its reputation as being among the most leftist of America's larger dailies. There was no indication that personal dishonesty of the Democratic Dynamic Duo had any bearing on the rightward tilt but VP candidate Joe Lieberman told a national TV audience he knew nothing of a scurrilous NAACP-sponsored campaign ad accusing Gov. Bush of some sort of complicity in the Texas dragging death of a black man. And Algore said nobody he knows had anything to do with the surfacing of a 24-year-old misdemeanor DUI charge against Bush.

NASHVILLE, Tennessee -- It appears that someone put a trigger lock on Algore's rapid-fire lip when it comes to gun control. Algore now extols gun control about as frequently as he exalts Clinton as "one of America's greatest Presidents." Quincy Quiche, an Algore adviser, said startling facts have come to the attention of the campaign. "Several of these redneck union guys seem to object to people who want to put chastity belts on their gun cabinets," Quiche sniffed, adding: "They really should be taken out and shot. With a registered gun, of course..."

WASHINGTON -- A reporter for CNSNews.com spotted a car with personalized Virginia tags reading STIFF. Just below STIFF was a Gore-Lieberman bumper sticker.

THOMASVILLE, Georgia -- There are some errors so egregious that the nation simply must enact a death penalty for reporters. Witness this correction from Associated Press: "The Associated Press erroneously reported in an Oct. 29 story that a Thomasville, Ga., bail bondsman carries a 6-foot boa constrictor while apprehending bail jumpers. His snake is a python."

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Flashing a level of class he never exhibited until the end, Jeffrey Dillingham became the 34th Texas inmate to meet the Cleansing Needle on Texas Death Row. Dillingham was 19 when the daughter of a millionaire Fort Worth couple convinced him it would be really neat if he and another conscienceless punk would murder her parents so she could inherit $12 million. Socialite Karen Koslow was murdered and her husband horribly injured in the attack, but Jack Koslow lived to finger the killers. Dillingham, 27, apologized for his misdeeds, read a prayer and thanked his family before the execution. Dillingham stocked up for his last trip. His last meal was a cheeseburger, a large order of French fries, macaroni and cheese, lasagna, two slices of garlic bread, three cinnamon rolls, five scrambled eggs and eight pints of chocolate milk.

WASHINGTON -- Oh, no. Evil Texans are about to execute another rapist-murderer who should have immunity because he was a citizen of Mexico in 1989 when he raped and murdered Angela Tyson, 20, who worked at a video store. The latest potential victim of the Texas Death Machine is Miguel Angel Flores, who contends he was deprived of due process because he was not advised of his right to contact the Mexican embassy until almost a year after he was sentenced to death. Ever vigilant for an opportunity to come down on the wrong side of an issue involving Gov. George W. Bush, the U.S. State Department is likely to side with the Mexican government, which wants murderous Miguel to live on the U. S. taxpayers for the rest of his misbegotten life. (Flores came to Texas at age four). Chances are good that Miguel will get his Green Card to Hell in about two weeks.

LONDON -- Britannia, which once ruled the waves, now boasts an openly gay Royal Navy officer with a same-sex "wife." Lt. Cmdr. Craig Jones said wife Adam has been "made to feel welcome" by the Navy and is accepted by the wives of straight officers. Jones controls the torpedoes, missiles and other weapons on HMS Northumberland. Adam is a psychologist for Britain's National Health Service. Jones said the acceptance of his sweet thing is welcome and has also made his living quarters more spacious. "I have more room in the closet, now that I'm not in the way," he said.

LOS ANGELES -- The multi-talented Steve Allen died at the age of 78. He created the "Tonight" show for NBC in 1953 and is widely regarded as the father of late- night talk shows. Because Steverino was such a talent and wonderful man, we can, and should forgive him for siring Letterman and Leno. How could he have known?

TOW, Texas -- The Tow Mail Mule trots in with word of Fidelity Investments' "Funds Network" affiliates. Those of terminally Politically Correct inclinations will be happy to know they can buy mutual funds from a company named "Pro- Conscience Women's Equity." I'm interested in the company's PMS Aggressive Growth Fund.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Mexico loves its citizens so deeply, why do so many of them want to come here?

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