November 13, 2000 -

SUNSHINE SHENANIGANS!

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Florida rules as the idiot capital of the world; Dangerous Dan maunders

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...and more. Now, the details...

TALLAHASSEE, Florida -- Algoreonians cried foul when the Bushites chose former Secretary of State James Baker to head its legal team in the Florida shenanigans. "The Vice President acted prudently and responsibly in heading his scum team with Warren Christopher, a former Secretary of State whose reputation has been untarnished for the entire period since he passed on 10 years ago while conducting Arab-Israeli peace negotiations," yelped Prissy LeGaye, an Algore spokesthing. LeGaye added: "It is typical of the evil Bush campaign to head its legal scum team with James Baker, who gives every appearance of vital signs." LeGaye said Algore chose Christopher after a check of his brain activity indicated he probably could relate, one on one, to the intellectual acuity of the average voter in Palm Beach County.

LeGaye said the Baker/Christopher dichotomy clouded command of the United States Senate. "Senate control might well turn on the health of 98-year-old Strom Thurmond," LeGaye said, adding: "Even some evil Republicans will admit privately that Ole Strom passed on to that Great Debate In The Sky years ago when he collapsed and drowned in a bowl of red hair dye." GOP sources said the concerns were selective. "What's the big deal with Strom? Warren Christopher has had big jobs in the Clinton administration and the fact that his blood pressure is zero hasn't been a concern," one Republican insider snarled. The Algoreithms issued a statement for Christopher. It read: "My demise should be no more a big deal than the manufactured brouhaha over our dimbulb voters in Missouri, who elected a dead man to the Senate. "I'm still serving my President and party," Christopher said. Gore campaign officials said Christopher will not participate in the legal assault if ballots in Wisconsin are challenged. "Warren needs to stay in a place where the average temperature is relatively warm," said Gore Whore Bill Daley.

NEW YORK -- Dan Rather, the CBS mouth that bores, is doing his last presidential election. To remind us how little we'll miss this jerk, he trotted out every supposed Texas aphorism he ever knew for the election-night marathon. Remarks such as, "If he doesn't carry Florida Slim will have left town." And: "If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun." In hopes that we can help Dangerous Dan ride off into the sunset, here are a few more for him. "Bush's lead in Florida is thinner than a pubic hair on an albino pissant." "The Florida courts will be more crowded than an Alzheimer's Clinic in Palm Beach County." "The place was busier'n a Chicago cemetery on Election Day." "Algore was as frustrated as Jesse Jackson playing the Quiet Game." "The Algore juggernaut was stopped colder than a self-winding watch on Warren Christopher." "Gore was madder than Billie Jean King at a Tailhook Convention." "Both candidates went to bed feeling sorrier than a broke-dick dog." And, always remember to say, Dan, that "the election ain't over 'til Rosie O'Donnell sings." You're welcome, Dan. Now, go away.

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida -- Faced with mounting evidence from the election craziness in Palm Beach County, NASA grudgingly disclosed the truth about chimpanzees and other primates retired after serving as government guinea pigs for space exploration and other research. "In the spirit of kindness, your government has had a clandestine program to bring these hard-working monkeys into the mainstream," said Blakk Hohl, a NASA spokesthing. "The chimps and other monkeys have been granted citizenship, given Social Security benefits and are living in Palm Beach County, where they take part in civic and political affairs and have significantly increased the median IQ of the County," Hohl said.

NEW YORK -- Ill-starred New York got some bad news, if a liar can be believed. Hillary Rodham Clinton promised she will not run for president in 2004 and will serve her full six years as New York's junior senator. Mrs. Clinton said she believes the Senate job will attract a sufficient number of interns to keep her husband satiated. In a key testimonial for retaining the Electoral College, Hillary said she supports abandoning it and going to a direct popular vote to elect the nation's chief executive.

AUSTIN, Texas -- An elementary-school teacher reproduced the Palm Beach County ballot for her first and third grade pupils. She told Radio Station KLBJ AM, owned by the Lyndon Johnson family, that she instructed the youngsters to "vote" for Algore, which they all successfully did. As usual, there was conflict over interpreting the event. "All this proves is that we possibly might have slightly misinterpreted the state of public education in Texas," said an Algore adviser.

NEW YORK -- There was some thigh-slapping humor in the runup to the presidential election. One of the funnier moments came when one Patrick West filed a complaint with the Federal Election Commission asserting that the major news media has been ugly and mean to Algore. To make his complaint even more hilarious, West specially filed against the Gore-lining New Dork Times. Once the FEC staffers stopped laughing, they assigned West's complaint the number MUR 5117. A spokesthing for the Times said a decision will be made on responding to the complaint, if Algore gives permission to do so.

NASHVILLE, Tennessee -- Algore insiders say he forgives Ralph Nader for siphoning off almost 100,000 Democratic votes in Florida, probably denying Algore the presidency. "The Vice President has leased a Corvair and has asked Teddy Kennedy to drive Ralph to Nashville for a face-to-face meeting," the source said.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Miguel Flores, a Mexican-born rapist/murderer, was executed by Evil Texans, despite the fact that Flores wasn't told he could contact the Mexican embassy after he was sentenced to death for abducting, raping and murdering Angela Tyson more than 11 years ago. Texas officials said a decision was made to bury Flores after brain activity ended, rather than relocating him to Palm Beach County, Florida and registering him to vote.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Algore becomes suicidal over the election returns, will he wait five days to obtain a registered handgun so he can kill himself according to his latest principles?

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