November 20, 2000 -

CHATTERING CHADOGRAPHY!

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They're eating chad in Florida; and dissing the military,

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and more. Now, the details...

HO CHI MINH CITY, Vietnam -- One of the more memorable images from the First Draft Dodger's triumphant visit to Vietnam probably will be that of the beaming Clinton women - posing in peasant hats. Hillary and Chelsea weren't with Daddy Bill at the time. Sources said Your President was practicing a statement in which he will deny any involvement with pregnant chad discovered in Palm Beach County.

TOW, Texas -- An anonymous Vietnam War veteran provided the most trenchant quote of the week while Clinton was visiting Vietnam. "Where's Richard Nixon now that we need him? Just one more bombing strike on Hanoi. Tonight would be good!"

TALLAHASSEE, Florida -- Trying to plumb the depths of depravity, kamikaze Democrats are tossing absentee ballots from servicemen and women overseas on the theory that military people probably are disposed to support Gov. George W. Bush. Florida counties controlled by Democrats tossed about 60 percent of all the overseas absentee ballots.

FORT LAUDERDALE, Florida -- A Republican says Democrats are eating newborn chad. Jim Rowland, observing the Broward County recount, said about 10 pieces of chad were on a table after counters finished a batch of ballots and he was waiting to put them into an "evidence" envelope. Rowland said the Democratic floor manager quickly ate most of the chad. Asked for comment, Clinton-era Shop-Vac Monica Lewinsky said, "Ugh. That's disgusting."

In a new foreign policy statement, Algore announced he will, if elected, bomb Chad in order to take the heat off the election process. "Hey, it worked for Bill with the aspirin factory during the impeachment thingie," Algore said.

MIAMI -- Did Algore promise "I will fight for felons?" He promised to fight for everyone else and he certainly rolled out the malefactor bloc in the presidential election. The Miami Herald reports that "at least 39 felons - mostly Democrats" - illegally cast ballots in Miami and Dade counties. The convictions, which should have barred their voting, ranged from murder and rape to drunk driving and passing bad checks. If the 39 figure seems minuscule, consider that projecting the felon vote in Miami-Dade to all of Florida could amount to more than 2,000 ballots.

ADEN, Yemen -- Proving that the nation's military command is heavily infiltrated by people from Palm Beach County, it seems that the sailors who died on the USS Cole were sitting ducks. Survivors of the terrorist bombing said sentries on the destroyer had no ammunition in their weapons. That wouldn't have made much difference in any event, since they also were not authorized to shoot until they were fired upon.

AMARILLO -- The geniuses who stole Larry Jones's Cadillac Escalade were afraid a cell phone in the car would give their location, so they tossed the phone about five miles from the Jones home. However, law officers followed the car through its OnStar satellite-tracking device, which pinpoints the vehicle's location in case the driver has trouble. Tom Raper, 30, of Staples, Minn., and Hiram Bodry, 46, of Pueblo, Colo. were arrested in Oklahoma and were charged with committing several murders while on the way to the Jones place and their date with the Global Positioning Satellite system. Sources said Raper and Bodry were trying to get to Palm Beach County, Florida to join other felons in voting for Algore.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- In retardation news only slightly connected to Florida, the U.S. Supreme Court stayed the execution of Johnny Paul Penry, who supposedly is mentally retarded. Penry raped and murdered Pamela Moseley Carpenter, 22, in her Livingston, Texas home in 1979. Penry's backers were pleased with the stay and asked that Johnny Paul be transferred to a correctional facility in Palm Beach County while the case is decided. "Even on Death Row in Texas, he is referred to as the dummy. We would like for Johnny Paul to be in Palm Beach, where he will be brighter than most of the registered voters," said Skum Balle, a Penry lawyer. Algore said the idea was appealing and said he hopes Penry can be put under house arrest in the personal custody of Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris. Penry's supposed Palm Beachian brainpower allowed him to escape becoming the 38th piece of human chad to be executed in Texas this year.

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas -- The Great State of Arkansas is taking down the signs welcoming visitors to the ``Home of President Bill Clinton.'' Arkansas officials did not disclose what would be done with the signs. Some Arkies believe they should be shipped to New York for display on its borders. Others believe the signs might be held and displayed at a later date outside a federal correctional facility.

LEBANON, Ohio -- It's possible that Jason E. Wagner, 25, learned the hard way that some of his fellow inmates at Warren Correctional Institution have children. Wagner was sentenced in February to 44 years to life in prison for abducting a 3-year-old neighbor girl, sexually abusing her and imprisoning her in his attic. Wagner was found dead in his cell. He had been strangled. Advocates for child abusers were enraged. "Jason was mildly retarded. It's likely that he would have been somewhat confused by a butterfly ballot," said Lady Chadderly, a Wagner supporter.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Could "chad" actually be an acronym? Standing for Cheat, Horribilize, Attack and Dishonor?

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