November 27, 2000 -

CHANGING CHADDISM!

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Chad rules for a second week, but there's other news.

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Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- In a disquieting development, the mighty New Dork Times editorialized in favor of the U.S. Supreme Court agreeing to hear the Bush campaign's case against the Florida Chad Follies. "The Times normally can be counted on to come down squarely on the wrong side of issues," said P.G. Chaffe, a Florida lawyer specializing in cases involving late-term abortions of pregnant chads. "We just don't know what this means. It is very puzzling," he said.

WEST PALM BEACH, Florida -- Algore partisans said the reports that Republican VP nominee Dick Cheney had a mild heart attack are part of a crafty plot intended to mislead the public. "The subliminal message is that Mr. Cheney, and presumably other Republicans, have hearts and we reject that assertion," said Demple Chadd, a key Algore worker. Ms. Chadd demanded that the media immediately begin publishing stories indicating that scans on Palm Beach County voters tested positive for brain activity. Gov. George W. Bush denied the charge. "There is no intent to be sublimininableable here," he said.

WASHINGTON -- Moguls of the Washington Post sniffed with disdain over outrage at an outrageous "profile" in the Post that put journalistic claw marks all over Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris. Post fashion reporter Robin Givhan used words such as "trowel" to describe the secretary's makeup efforts. Givhan also found Mrs. Harris's eyelashes not natural. Givhan's editors said she was not available to defend herself. "Unfortunately, Robin was injured while chasing cars on Pennsylvania Avenue and will be sidelined for a few days," said Snippy LeFemme, Post spokesthing. Givhan's veterinarian declined to give a condition report, citing the doctrine of vet/bitch confidentiality.

LONDON -- The big news of the week comes, however, from London where a newspaper reports that Chelsea Clinton is in love with actor Ben Affleck, one of the rare Hollywood Clintonistas who has not pledged to leave the country if Algore loses the presidential race. Hollywoodheads hoped for an Affleck/Chelsea marriage to enrich the nation's moral fiber. "It would be a very good thing to have the wedding in the White House with a father-in-law and mother-in-law who wouldn't object if the bridegroom had consensual oral sex with the bridesmaids," said a Clinton operative. Miss Monica Lewinsky said she has not yet been asked to be in the bridal party but has ordered neutral-colored kneepads, just in case.

WASHINGTON -- In another less-than-astonishing development, the Washington Times reports that people in the United States military hate the hell out of Vice President Algore. Prickly, these military people. All the Algore campaign has done is try to disenfranchise them. "I can tell you that President Algore, once the election is successfully pilfered, plans to assign the entire military complex to build sewer systems in Chad," said Piece Nikk, an Algore military adviser. "That'll teach the Fascist bastards," Nikk said.

WEST PALM BEACH, Florida -- They're counting ballots in Palm Beach County to try to determine "voter intent." Election officials say they know their electorate well and have brought in drool-sniffing dogs to help in the count. "Once it has been decided that a Palm Beach voter drooled on the ballot, sophisticated DNA testing is done. If the DNA analysis indicates the voter's IQ is somewhere within the 20-to-40 range, then the ballot is recorded as a vote for Algore," said Fack Manngler, an Algore lawyer.

TOW, Texas -- About Algore's pregnant chads. The ones where there is no perforation but only a bulge. We wonder how the chads get pregnant if they've never been perforated?

NEW YORK -- In a painful piece provoking rueful laughter among police officers everywhere, writer Kevin Flynn of the New Dork Times wondered why people aren't applying to be police officers in the newly Rotten Big Apple. Flynn sketched the crime-fighting success of Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's administration, then wrote: "But quietly, inside station house locker rooms and recruiting offices, a more troubling tale of the department is also unfolding. The number of officers leaving the force, including scores of its most senior supervisors, is surging. The difficulty in attracting men and women to join the 41,000-officer department has become acute..." Times executives said Mr. Flynn's next assignment will be a ponderous investigation into whether fat New Yorkers eat more food than the skinnies.

GREENSBORO, North Carolina -- The Thanksgiving holidays brought a unique view of a lawyer: a man sufficiently convinced of the guilt of his client that he believed the scum should be executed. In the crosshairs of controversy now is lawyer David B. Smith of Greensboro, who let a court deadline slip because, he said, "I decided that Mr. Tucker deserved to die." Mr. Tucker is Russell Tucker, who performed an on-the-spot execution of Maurice Travone Williams, a Kmart security guard who caught him shoplifting. Tucker's Dec. 7 execution date almost certainly will be postponed. The public execution of lawyer Smith, who generally opposed the death penalty until he met Mr. Tucker, will proceed.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If all of Florida's pregnant chads give birth, will Florida cast 5,000 electoral votes for Democrat Algore III in about 18 years?

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