December 4, 2000 -

BUMPTIOUS BEARMARKETRY!

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The Nasdaq is falling like a Republican's vote total in Broward County; the Washington Post turns racist; and there is news of new felony election returns from youknowwhere.

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Those and more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- The Secret Service might want to add 10,000 agents or so if Algore successfully pilfers the presidency. The evil capitalist markets are the reason. Since the November elections, the Nasdaq composite index has crumbled more than 25 percent. The Dow Jones industrial average has fallen more than 5 percent since election day. Consider that more than 50 percent of all Americans are now invested in the stock market and the security problem becomes more obvious. Algore has created a new class of potential presidential assassins. We once called them investors.

Meanwhile, Algore is relaxing under Florida rules. Sources said he and his family went to see the hit movie 95 Dalmatians. The vice president looked relaxed as he sipped from a bottle of 5-Up. A fan of classic Western movies, Algore retired to his residence for a screening of the Yul Brynner tale, The Magnificent Four, followed by the sci-fi classic, 778 Leagues Under the Sea, then a remake of the Alexander Dumas classic, the Recount of Monte Cristo. Algore's nervousness displayed itself only occasionally. He dropped an entire deck of Florida playing cards and announced, "Oops! Guess I'm playing 38 pickup." He spilled a bit of his 1.75 percent glass of milk and quickly cleaned it up with Formula 373. Sources said the Veep plans to do a bit of off-road driving for relaxation, trying out rural country in his new 3.25 by 3.25 Ford F-221.5 pickup truck. A source said the Algores turned to sex to relieve the strain, booking the honeymoon suite at the Three Seasons. Algore said he hopes to take some time off this year to watch the San Francisco 27ers play the Pittsburgh Steelers at 2.5 Rivers Stadium.

MIAMI -- Maybe it's time for Jesse Jackson et al to denounce the tediously liberal Washington Post as a racist rag. The Post on Sunday was graced with a detailed analysis showing that voters in heavily African-American precincts of Floriduh were about four times more likely to vote incorrectly than their melanin-deficient counterparts in precincts where blacks make up a small percentage of the electorate. However, the Post study of voters who couldn't find their hip pockets with both hands brought joy to some white Democrats in South Florida. One was Yvette Y. Yentil, a resident of Palm Beach County. "The evil news media portrays us as having a median IQ somewhere between eggplant and Chihuahua," she said. "It's good to know that we're brighter than SOME people." And the Miami Herald found that at least 445 Florida felons voted illegally on November 7. The fact that about 75 percent of the illegal ballots were cast by registered Democrats surfaced almost 300 words down in the Herald story.

TALLAHASSEE, Florida -- The New Dork Times, Washington Post, Newsweek and CNN have tried everything to find some real dirt to smear over Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris. So far, the media Gorehounds have produced a portrait of a hard-working 43-year-old woman who also happens to be happily married. However, Harris has been accused of misdemeanor makeup infractions. "I have credible reports of chads on Bush ballots that bear unmistakable smears of mascara and lipstick," said James Carville.

NASHVILLE, Tennessee -- Remember candidate Algore, who said one of his guiding lights in life and political questions was simple. "What would Jesus do?" Apparently the evangelical Mr. Algore might take some of his spare time for a session with campaign manager Donna Brazile, who is quoted in Newsweek as denouncing evil Republicans for their "goddam guerrilla tactics."

NEWPORT NEWS, Virginia -- The Nimitz-class aircraft carrier USS Ronald Reagan, a 650-ton behemoth of a fighting ship, will be christened on March 4. Executives of the Clinton-era Navy are studying a proper ship in honor of Your President. I would suggest a garbage scow, the USS Slick Willie.

SEOUL -- More bad news arrives in the form of the Handy Truster Emotion Reader. The pocket-sized gizmo supposedly can be plugged into telephones to detect liars by the tremors in their voices. The developers of the Handy Truster say it measures prevarication because blood flow to the vocal cords is restricted by stress when people lie. Their voices trembling, the President and Algore joined Hillary in demanding the Handy Truster be banned from America. Hillary said five young people were seriously injured when a Handy Truster exploded after it was inadvertently activated while she and the president were having phone sex. "This is about the children," she said.

TOW, Texas -- This seems to be a good time to cite one of the more prescient definitions from "The Devil's Dictionary," by Ambrose Bierce. "VOTE: The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country." (Please note that's "freeman" with a lower-case "f.")

Headline on the Washington Post Web page November 27, 2000: "Chad's Torture Victims Turn to Courts." Unfortunately, it was atop a story about the benighted African nation, not Florida.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Should Algore change his mantra of "every vote must count?" Maybe to: "We must count every dolt."

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