December 11, 2000 -

SUPREME SIMPERING!

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Johnnie's tuning up for the Big Court; Algore is appealing, sort of; and there's crime news other than the Florida Supreme Court.

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Now, the details...

LOS ANGELES -- Algore might reach out to O.J. Simpson lead scumbucket Johnnie Cochran as his new legal mouthpiece. Cochran is practicing his themes for possible Supreme Court appearances. "If the count don't figger, you gotta rejigger." And: "Justice is dead, until Al's ahead."

NASHVILLE, Tennessee -- Algore is considering appeals beyond the U.S. Supreme Court. "The Vice President is looking at a possible appeal to the court of California Judge Lance Ito," said Prissy LeGaye, a Gore spokesthing, adding: "Ito's stewardship of the Simpson trial showed he's enough of an idiot that he probably could be appointed to the Florida Supreme Court." The Algore legal eagles also are thinking of a possible appeal to the World Court at The Hague. "Think of it," LeGaye gushed. "Johnnie Cochran goes before the World Court and says `It'll be a plague if The Hague is vague'."

Meanwhile, back in Florida a newly minted resident named O.J. Simpson took time out from brutalizing snippy motorists to comment on the election brouhaha. "I don't know why Algore is fooling around like this," Simpson said, adding: "If it was me, I'd just put a blonde wig on Bush and cut his head off."

LOS ANGELES -- Florida might be the dimbulb capital of the world for the moment, but California (the Granola State) is still in the race. There hasn't been a new power plant built in California since Bill Clinton was molesting women only in Arkansas. As we say in Texas, it's been a spell. Consider that millions of people have moved to California in the past decade and now, and only now, are "average" Californians upset over dimming supplies of electricity. Lori Bedsoe of Los Angeles is particularly enraged, since power shortages might force her to cut off the 16-foot Ferris wheel her poor hubby puts up every Christmas. Maybe California could spare a few kilowatts now and then and sentence a few hundred environmental nutballs and "consumer activists" to the electric chair. In a few years there might be enough power plants to light up Lori's lawn, if not her brain.

LONDON -- Merry Aulde England leaped into the Stupidity Sweepstakes with a report that Oxford University is angling to hire Bill Clinton as its next chancellor. "It is high time that the international educational community recognize that a probable rapist, sexist and perjurer be recognized as an icon of intellectual development," said Hye Kite, president of Great Britain's Society to Promote Fellatio. Contacted in New York, former White House Shop-Vac Monica Lewinsky asked, "Who is this guy, Fellatio?"

WASHINGTON -- The week passed with hardly a peep from the nation's lapdog, watchdog media folk about a scandalous Freudian slip from leftie Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer. Breyer spoke his mind, inadvertently, during the Dec. 1 debate over the Florida Supreme Court's initial illegal actions in the presidential election. Questioning a lawyer for Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, Breyer said, "And now the secretary has certified a winner. And therefore, I guess, whether we win - whether your side, the side you're supporting wins or loses, it doesn't change that." Breyer, of course, is one of two Clinton appointees who pollute the nation's highest court.

TALLAHASSEE, Florida -- There's a modicum of hope for Florida's future - once a few hundred thousand funerals are out of the way. The Florida Department of State conducted a Mock Election for thousands of Florida students (elementary through high school) in November and George W. Bush won, with 83,159 votes to 72,611 for Whatsisface.

TOW, Texas -- I don't recall whether talk-show babbler Rosie O'Donnell is one of the zillions of entertainment people vowing to leave the country when George W. Bush is elected president. But I have a personal plea for Rosie, one way or another. Rosie, would you please sing? It's time.

In a not-unrelated development, Algore filed suit in a Florida court asking that all overweight women in the state be enjoined from breaking into song.

WASHINGTON -- The readers sometimes capsulize things better than the nation's writers. A letter to the Washington Times illustrates: "This election has answered a very large question: Now we know why they want our guns."

TOW, Texas -- A friend provides us with a helpful definition: "AlGoreithm (n: al-gor-ith-m): Any method of calculation performed repeatedly until a desired result is produced."

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Claude Howard Jones had a criminal record that began a generation before Algore invented the Internet. Claude's first prison sentence was almost 40 years before Claude became the 40th Texas inmate to be put to death in year 2000. Claude's criminal career was capped when he popped a cap on a liquor store owner at Point Blank in San Jacinto County, Texas. Jones, 60 when he assumed ambient temperature, was the third inmate to receive a lethal injection in Texas in as many nights. A relative of one of the victims said, "I believe in the death penalty. I'm going to tell you right now: Thank God for George Bush." Unfortunately, Claude's was the last scheduled execution of 2000.

And in Starke, Florida, Edward Castro, 50, met the cleansing needle for the 1987 choking and stabbing death of a 50-year-old man. Castro was the 50th inmate executed since Florida resumed electrocuting or medicating its human chad in 1979.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If the Fat Lady can't sing over the election, would an overweight gay man be an acceptable substitute?

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