December 18, 2000 -

WEEPING WEAPONRY!

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Ms. Ciccone is now more dangerous than the French Navy; Algore is inventive and Jesse is still an idiot.

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Now, the details...

LONDON -- Uh, Oh. Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone is growing up. Ms. Ciccone now dresses like a 41-year-old woman (which she is). She has two children and is looking forward to getting married. It is an astonishing transmogrification for the "Material Girl" now known only as "Madonna." Even more amazing is the fact a London tabloid has pictures of Madonna practicing her new skill, which is shooting. "I demand DNA tests on Madonna's children. I believe Charlton Heston probably is the real father of these little bastards," fumed Rosie O'Donnell, who is virulently against guns for everyone except her hired security goons. Ms. O'Donnell had to cut short interviews on Madonna's situation. "Rosie had to go to Florida to sing for Algore," said Fikkel Fraudde, an O'Donnell spokesthing. Asked for Ms. O'Donnell's deep thoughts on President-elect George W. Bush, Fraudde said, "Rosie believes somebody ought to shoot that sonofabitch."

PARIS -- The Paris-datelined UPI story seemed to be a put-on, asserting that the French news media is denouncing "a national embarrassment" to France. As a nation, France has amounted to a centuries-long study in cowardice and duplicity. So what, you ask, might embarrass the French? Well, France, for the first time since 1945, has no seaworthy aircraft carrier. Huh? It gets funnier. France is selling its oldest carrier and the remaining one, the Charles de Gaulle, lost its propeller on a shakedown cruise when it entered the Bermuda Triangle and is about as combat-ready as the average French military man. The De Gaulle's list of woes indicates it might have been invented by Algore. Among them are a flight deck that is too short and armored glass on the bridge that can't be seen through. My personal favorite is the ship's washing machines, which, when activated simultaneously, make the 40,000-ton De Gaulle shiver like a Frenchman who has heard gunfire. And De Gaulle's crew is near mutiny because the carrier has no back-up lights.

NASHVILLE -- Algore is reported to be hard at work on a secret scientific project - an idiot filter that will reject telephone calls from Jesse Jackson. "I pledged in my concession speech to work with President-elect Bush and this invention will prove I was serious," Gore said. He said the prototype idiot filter will be tweaked to allow Democrats to avoid whining irrelevancies from Alec Baldwin and Whoopi Goldberg.

SEATTLE -- The new California slogan appears to go this way. From each according to his ability, to California according to its need. At least that's the way it's working in electricity, where California's history of stupidity foretells a probable "sharing" of blackout conditions with the entire West. California's status as a leading Democratic stronghold has bludgeoned compliant federal energy officials into a risky kilowatt scheme that threatens more than Los Angeles air conditioning by funneling much generating capacity toward the Granola State. Also likely is a California-spawned environmental disaster, as the huge network of reservoirs in Oregon and Washington are drained to supply electricity to Granolaonians. One likely victim will be the salmon, whose eggs will not hatch in low water conditions. California environmentalist Looney McTune said it's no big deal. "So what if a few million fish die? If I ain't got no electricity, I can't see the environmental protests on my TV," McTune said.

WASHINGTON -- Timid Republicans ran like French deserters when asked if they planned to hold Hillary Clinton to the Newt Gingrich publishing standard. As Speaker of the House, Gingrich got a $4 million advance for a book. As the wife of the First Lecher and a Senator-In-Waiting, Hillary got $8 million. Asked for comment, former White House Shop-Vac Monica Lewinsky said, "Well, I guess I'd, like, say this is like a blow for, like, free enterprise, like, so to speak."

NEW YORK -- The probability of senility grows greater over time and time appears to be running out on Time. The newsmagazine announced George W. Bush as its "Person of the Year" but would have given the honor to Algore if his election heist had worked. Time Managing Editor Walter Isaacson said the magazine is going back in history to correct errors in previous announcements and has retroactively chosen Willie Sutton as Banker of the Year for 1924.

NEW YORK -- One of the numerous "corrections" in the New Dork Times brings up a further question. It seems, per the Times, that a transcriptionist misheard Your President and mistook "don't ask" for "dumbass" and reported Bill used "dumbass." Fair enough. But doesn't this bring up a question about Clinton's policy on gays in the military? Is it possible that he really said, "Dumbass? Don't tell."

LOS ANGELES -- A surprise in these days of Political Correctness comes in television commercials for Mob Hits. The commercials proclaim the songs are performed by the greatest of America's Italian-American singers and are from some of the great "Mob" movies. Featured performers on "Mob Hits" include Al Martino, Dean Martin and Rosemary Clooney. Missing is the spectacular voice of Frank Sinatra, the single most significant Mafia water boy in the entertainment industry's sometimes sorry history.

TOW, Texas -- The temperature headed to the 'teens in the Texas Hill Country and Carole, Dork and I harbored thoughts of relocating. However, we checked and found we were not eligible for immigration to South Florida. Something about being above the legal maximum IQ. We regret the missed opportunity for Dork, our 105-pound dog. We were told Florida probably would put Dork on the state Supreme Court.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Jesse Jackson loses his voice and his hearing will he be deaf, mute and dumb?

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