December 25, 2000 -

LEAPING LEGACYITIS!

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There might be yet another Jesse Jackson; GWB says he believes Bill;

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and there's more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Ah, yet another Clinton Legacy. A federally financed study by the Urban Institute proves that teenaged boys generally don't view oral sex, or any non-vaginal sex, as, well, sex. Your President has apparently convinced American teenagers of his definition of "sexual relations," in short. Fifty- five percent said they have experienced "vaginal" sex but fully two-thirds had other kinds of sex -- those that Clinton says aren't sex. Long-term planners in Jesse Jackson's Rainbow/PUSH coalition saw good news in a finding that young black boys are likely to have performed anal intercourse. "Jesse is vigorous but he's getting older. This indicates there is a good chance there will be a NEW Jesse Jackson on the scene someday," said Barnard B. Bugger, director of Legacy Services for the coalition.

AUSTIN, Texas -- President-elect George W. Bush touched off a new firestorm among Clintonistas by taking Your President at his word. Bush will abide by Clinton's statement that he will neither seek nor accept an all-encompassing pardon to shield him from possible post-Presidential indictment. "This is just an extension of the vendetta Republicans have conducted against this, the most moral President of the past 100 years," said Limpee McWrist, a Clinton aide. "These people know that Your President seldom tells the whole truth. Anyone who knows Bill knows that he knows he couldn't reject a pardon. That's what he meant when he said he wouldn't `accept' one," McWrist whined.

NEW YORK -- Right on cue, various publications leaped into print with reports hinting at scandal over comments allegedly made by Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. Newsweek magazine breathlessly quoted "eyewitnesses" as saying Mrs. O'Connor was other than thrilled when she heard an incorrect election-night "call" that Florida had gone to Algore. As we suspected, there was nary a yelp from the media watchdogs/lapdogs over the unquestioned bias demonstrated by leftie Justice Stephen Breyer, who slipped and asked a lawyer for Florida "whether we win..." Breyer is a Clinton appointee and there is no confusion as to what "we" means.

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida -- Florida Democrats have a new blueprint for future elections: campaign to truly captive audiences. The Florida Follies told us early on that felons cast a lot of votes in Florida in the Bush/Algore race but reports on felonious balloting keep trickling in. The latest is from the Daytona News-Journal, which found that felons have cast 109 votes in Flagler and Volusia counties since 1994. That's a superlative turnout for felons, because there are 194 registered in the counties. Of those, 148 are male, 127 are Democrats and 118 are black.

WASHINGTON -- Ever vigilant for an opportunity to shred the fabric of society, the Clinton White House endorsed a 35-minute "educational" film heavily weighted toward propaganda endorsing the gay lifestyle. "That's a Family" features children between 8 and 13 with "nontraditional" families. Some live with a divorced parent, others are adopted and several are the children of homosexual couples. Here's a sample of a mumble from a mixed-up movie munchkin: "My Dads are gay and gay means when two men or two women love each other. It's sort of just like having a Mom and Dad who love each other. It's just that it's a man and a man or a woman and a woman." First Lady Hillary Clinton was invited to a White House showing, but did not attend. The Clintons were represented by three House aides.

SEOUL -- Koreans were bewildered when word came that the Clinton administration will not apologize to South Korea for the U.S. Army's reputed role in shooting civilians at No Gun Ri early in the Korean War. "This is unsettling," said Hi Torte Ree, a Korean lawyer, adding: "The Clinton administration has apologized for slavery; for maltreatment of Japanese citizens during World War II, apologized for the Vietnam War and has indicated extreme sympathy for those afflicted with premature ejaculation," Ree said. Asked for comment, Your President mumbled: "I don't know zip about premature anything."

LE THOR, France -- In one of the major disappointments of 2000 we find that the only reasonably high-profile jerk fleeing the country ahead of the Bush presidency is Pierre Salinger. Rosie O'Donnell stays, as does Alec Baldwin. Ditto Barbara Streisand and movie director Robert Altman. Porky Pierre is a high-cholesterol predecessor to Clinton toady George Stephanopoulous. Salinger was John F. Kennedy's press secretary and became an ABC "newsman" after Kennedy died.

BIRMINGHAM, England -- What do art historian Tricia Cusack and a snowman have in common? Well, the head melts if they've been left in the sun for too long. Dr. Cusack, who studies "cultural meanings in visual imagery" came down hard on snowmen, saying snowmen on Christmas cards reinforce gender stereotypes. Dr. Cusack says: "The snowman's location in the semi-public space of garden or field reinforces a spatial-social system marking women's sphere as the domestic-private and the men's as the commercial-public." Well, maybe that DOES explain why there are so few "snowmen" in the kitchen. However, the good doctor's chronic cellular telephone usage provided no final explanation, since a study in the Journal of the American Medical Association found no link between cell-phone use and brain damage.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Since Your President is on a pardons kick, might he issue a blanket amnesty for South Florida Democrats, who otherwise appear to be unpardonable?

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