January 1, 2001 -

GARRULOUS GUESSING!

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Count, then estimate; the real "farm bill" is exposed,

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and more. Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- Some of the more rib-tickling humor on the Web can be found in the editorials of the mighty New Dork Times, which can be funnier than Jesse Jackson playing the Quiet Game. The Times dependably searches out and espouses the Best in Brain Dead Pontification. On Friday, the editorialists of New York's premier humor page gave tedious advice to President-elect George W. Bush: Ignore the actual 2000 Census figures and base all public policy on a "scientifically based" guess by the Clinton-contaminated Census Bureau. "Bush rejected our advice on counting votes in Florida but we hope he will do the right thing and allow the Census finks to add millions upon millions of the nation's human chads to the census count," said Punche Drunke, a Times spokesthing.

NEW YORK -- The omnipotent New Dork Times is almost funny in its ideological twisting. Here's the headline for the lead item on the Times web page for December 23. "Bush's two latest selections leave right elated, left livid." The Times' fellow loons of the left had not yet achieved lividity over the cabinet nominations of John Ashcroft and Christie Whitman, but the Times got the nutballs rolling with this lead editorial: "Mr. Bush's Rightward Lurch."

FORT BENTON, Montana -- Ever wonder why most of America's farmers wear narrow-billed gimmie caps? So their heads don't get cold when they peer into the mailbox for the government check. Ever wonder what you, as a taxpayer, give big farmers for Christmas? Well, the farm-belt harvest of Farm Welfare comes in the fall. It goes something like this: $40,000 just for being a farmer; $40,000 for "emergencies" (such as bad market conditions); more than $100,000 for not making any money on their crops; and $50,000 for taking land out of production.

SACRAMENTO, California -- It's entertaining to watch a lamebrain try to get out of trouble. Granola State Gov. Gray Davis wants to solve California's energy crisis - the product of an entire generation of stupidity by people of Davis's ilk. What does Gov. Lightsout do? He meets with the secretary of the Treasury, the chairman of the Federal Reserve and the electrifying First Rapist, Mr. Clinton. Davis is in deep political trouble. Veteran nutwatchers say the California energy crisis reminds them of the fall of another California gubernatorial loon, Jerry Brown, who failed to pay attention to a devastating fruit-fly infestation. "This is even worse," said Reddie Kilowhat, "Brown's problem was with fruit flies. Davis is getting in Dutch with real fruits." Davis said he appreciated Clinton's advice, which was to blame the electricity shortage on Newt Gingrich.

FITZGERALD, Georgia -- Maybe the name of this game is Reparalotto. Or Scamarations. So-called "legal activist" Robert L. Brock has figured out a way to make money from the reparations movement. For $50, Brock will help African- Americans fill out a claim form. He contends his gullible clients might some day collect $500,000 in compensation for the slave status of their forebears. Brock filed a lawsuit on the matter in 1965. He lost.

RICHMOND, Virginia -- Scant weeks before he can molest women and create discord as a private citizen, Your President appointed the first black judge to the Court of Appeals for the 4th Circuit in Richmond. Clinton has previously nominated minorities as 4th Circuit judges but they were qualified only on the basis of melanin. Nominee Roger Gregory is a corporate lawyer in Richmond. His background and qualifications, if any, have yet to be examined. The Fourth Circuit covers Maryland, Virginia, West Virginia, North Carolina and South Carolina. It is the most aggressively conservative of the appeals courts, often providing what the New Dork Times calls "novel and cutting-edge rulings." That means the 4th Circuit rules on what the law happens to be, rather than what the Clintonistas want it to be.

CHICAGO -- It was worse than we thought. One of every six ballots in African- American precincts got tossed, while almost every vote was counted in the city's outer suburbs. So we can expect the Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Daley Mob to tune up and call for federal investigations of "Nazi tactics?" Probably not, because that was the situation in Chicago, home of the Rev. Mouth and the Daleys. Jackson mistakenly punched for both George W. Bush and Gore before getting a new ballot.

WASHINGTON -- There is bizarre humor on the horizon. The Democratic hate machine that brought the word "bork" into the national vocabulary is tuning up to do the same hatchet job on former Sen. John Ashcroft, President-elect George W. Bush's nominee for attorney general. It's quite possible that we again will be treated to Sen. Teddy Kennedy, the hero of Chappaquiddick, intoning that Ashcroft "doesn't have the moral fiber" to serve. Kennedy said that about Robert Bork. Mary Jo Kopechne, of course, will remain unavailable for comment.

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas -- Arkansas remains paralyzed by snow, ice and miserable temperatures. The most famous Arkie export, youknowwho, is too busy to come to his birthplace to explain how the entire problem is caused by the Republicans and global warming.

SARASOTA, Florida -- The commercial on one of the news channels is a rib- tickler. It advertises Sarasota "on Florida's Cultural Coast." Is the Florida Cultural Coast an enclave of people bright enough to count and use a punch- card ballot?

SOUTHPORT, Connecticut -- Sympathy cards from Florida inundated Connecticut after the death of acclaimed actor Jason Robards. Dedde Hedde, a Florida Democratic election official, explained the outpouring. "Jason Robards was the crusading editor in the movie 'All the President's Men.' He was personally responsible for driving Richard Nixon out of office," Hedde said.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If the gay population is indeed as high as 11 percent (which I doubt), should we change some court nomenclature and occasionally have lawyers present anal arguments?

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