January 8, 2001 -

SUPERLATIVE PSYCHOSIS!

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Boneheads abound. And Your President clears up his commitment to ethnics.

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Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Further disgracing themselves, members of the Congressional Black Caucus took 20 minutes for feckless and groundless protests against certifying Florida's 25 electoral votes for President-elect George W. Bush. CBC members are, of course, generally immune from criticism - or even fair comment - in today's reportorial environment. An example serves. One of the CBC members leading the clown show protesting the Florida vote has been Rep. Alcee L. Hastings, a Florida Democrat, who spoke darkly of "overwhelming evidence of official misconduct" in the election. Hastings is personally familiar with official misconduct. He was impeached and removed from his federal judgeship for just that.

WASHINGTON -- Saying the entire thing was caused by a typo, the First Felon withdrew his executive order known as the "Ethics Commitments." Clinton appeared to have a strong commitment to the ethics matter at one time. He issued it on his inauguration day in January 1993. The order forced Clintonistas to refrain from lobbying for five years after they left the government. "This whole thing was a misunderstanding, caused by Microsoft Word and Newt Gingrich," said Clinton Attack Lizard James Carville. Carville said Clinton's initial order was intended to be known as the "Ethnics Commitment," to show his solidarity with Jesse Jackson. "Now that the President knows there was an error, he has to correct it," Carville said.

MIAMI -- Oh, what's a little obstruction of justice among Clintonistas? The question comes after an attorney for Immigration and Naturalization Service employees said in a deposition that his clients were told to destroy or conceal documents that contained "anything derogatory" about Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno's handling of the Elian Gonzalez case. Reno supporter Les Behan said the problem is no big deal. "Miss Reno is just trying to comply with the President's directive on ethnics. Elian Gonzalez was an ethnic, don't you see?"

CHICAGO -- Surprise! America's First Fool is going to oppose John Ashcroft's nomination as attorney general. Forget Ashcroft's stellar record on civil rights. Jesse Jackson has already forgotten it. No, Ashcroft opposed a federal judgeship for Ronnie White, a black judge whose love of criminals was too much for Ashcroft to stomach. "Criminals need love, too," Jackson said in defense of White, a Missouri Supreme Court judge.

ST. LOUIS -- It's easy to see how Missouri Supreme Court Judge Ronnie White decided that James R. Johnson's conviction should have been overturned. No big deal. All Johnson had done was murder three law-enforcement officers and the wife of a Missouri sheriff (she was shot from outside her home as she was conducting a Christmas prayer meeting). Johnson decided at trial that he was a victim of post-traumatic stress disorder from Vietnam. Jesse Jackson, however, said he believes the President-elect and his family were involved in the murders. "From what I read, sounds like all the shots came from the bushes," Jackson said.

NASHUA, New Hampshire -- In yet another case of an unhospitalized nutball in public life, Tom Alciere took his seat in the New Hampshire legislature. Alciere is a Republican who has run for office as a Democrat and a libertarian, kept a low profile and won, probably because his name was listed first on the ballot. Only after the election did word leak out that Alciere's stealth platform was: "Don't kill anything that isn't a cop." It seems Rep. Alciere believes in shooting the soldiers who fight the war on drugs. As a legislator, Alciere is due police protection. Were I a New Hampshire cop, I might let Rep. Alciere suffer the state motto, which is "Live Free or Die."

WASHINGTON -- In one of the better scams of any century, Bill & Hill conned the public into paying about $7 million to their Legal Expense Trust, established early in 1998 to support Your President's Constitutional Right to oral sex from interns. As expected, California led the buffoon parade, doling out more than $1.5 million.

ROME -- Pope John Paul II said the only leader he never had a "proper conversation with" was Bill Clinton. "I was speaking, and he was looking at one of the walls, admiring the frescoes and the paintings. He was not listening to me," the Holy Father said. Clinton religion adviser Monica Lewinsky said the problem was of the Pope's creation. "Those frescoes are, like, nude, and the President, like, was, like, shocked and, like, dismayed," she said, adding: "I think he looked for frescoes in the Oval Office when we were, like, together, but I couldn't, like, see all that good," she added.

LOS ANGELES -- As expected, the Nicotine Nazis are moving to restrict smoking in the home. Only two years ago, California made all bars and restaurants smoke-free zones. Now the Granola State's suburb of West Hollywood has passed an ordinance which allows non-smoking apartment dwellers to file complaints if tobacco smoke (not marijuana smoke, mind you) wafts into their windows and doors from the unit of an evil neighbor. Pardon me for mentioning that my novel, SMOKE JUMPERS, foresaw this when it was published in 1992. The book is a satire, set early in the 21st Century - when smoking has become a federal crime. (Maybe it wasn't satire. I thought it was...)

SEATTLE -- Racial discrimination means serious money, if a lawsuit against Microsoft is an indicator. Seven current and former employees of Microsoft Corp. are suing for $714,285,714.28 apiece to rectify alleged racial bias. "The number seems somewhat large but the Magnificent Seven will prove in court that Windows crashed more frequently for African-Americans than for non-minority Microsofties," said Knutte Balle-Mfume, a spokesman for the plaintiffs. Balle-Mfume said the Magnificent Seven also will prove that a Microsoft election for president of the Employee Club used a butterfly ballot. Microsoft spokesman Gill Bates said Windows, and Microsoft, are color-blind crash producers. He also denied the election charge. "At Microsoft, it has been our motto that every geek must count," he said.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Watching the contorting lines on California Congresswoman Maxine Waters' angry visage makes me wonder about golf. What would be par for Maxine's face?

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