January 15, 2001 -

IT'S RACIST!

---

Jesse's back; the Army has One;

---

and more. Now, the details...

CHICAGO -- Jesse Jackson called for massive demonstrations against "It" when it is released. "It" is a supposedly revolutionary something-or-other developed by a renowned inventor. Some media reports indicate that "It" is a unicycle device for personal transportation. "It is clear that `It' is a racist device aimed at moving legions of Bush voters to the polls at the expense of African-Americans, Hispanics, gays, union members, convicted felons and dimbulb Americans from Palm Beach County, Florida," Jackson said. Jackson promised mass demonstrations until free "Its" are provided in ghetto neighborhoods. "No Its, No Peace," Jackson yelped. Meanwhile, clandestine tests of prototype "Its" in Palm Beach were canceled after 50 beta "Its" testers killed 2,000 lemmings before riding into the surf. The federal Human Rights Commission issued a statement blaming the carnage on Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris. Gay-rights activists joined Jackson's whines. "We all know that the word `it' often was applied to gay people. And the fact that `it' appears to be a unicycle is clearly a subliminal slur on unisexuals," said Anne Drogynous, president of Dikes on Bikes.

WASHINGTON -- The outgoing Clintonistas have come up with a new advertising slogan for the Army, "An Army of One." How does this fit in with the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy on gays in the military? Isn't there supposed to be stiff punishment for someone who asks: "Are you one?"

MURPHYSBORO, Illinois -- Teresa Reed hopes to hit the caffeinated version of the Lotto -- with a copy-spill lawsuit over coffee at McDonald's. Reed is suing everyone in sight because she bought a cup of coffee at a drive-through window at the Murphysboro McDonald's in 1998 and placed it in a cup holder in her mother's car. It spilled and Reed says her ankle was scalded. (She also is suing her mother, of course.) If she collects her expected bonanza, Reed is expected to move to Palm Beach County, Florida and become a voter-education consultant.

SEOUL -- Korean trial lawyers were enraged when America's First Apologist declined to send money for a 1950 incident in which Korean civilians were killed because North Korean soldiers were using them as human shields to advance on U.S. Army positions. "What's with Clinton? He has been using human shields for eight years," spat lawyer I. Su Yu, president of South Korean Scum for Bucks. In Illinois, Teresa Reed had some advice for the Koreans. "Check and see if there were cupholders at No Gun Ri," she said.

TRAVERSE CITY, Michigan -- It's seldom that a cop appears to win a politically correct fight. So let's take a second to cheer for David Leach, a Traverse City, Michigan police officer who protested a bone-headed city policy requiring all city vehicles have a gay-advocacy bumper sticker. Leach publicly opposed the bumper-sticker requirement and was threatened with an investigation by the Traverse City Human Rights Commission. The threat since has gone away. Limpe Riste, a Traverse City gay advocate, said the possibility of an investigation remains alive. "We need to find out if Officer Leach issues tickets for public sodomy, or follows the local tradition of citing homosexuals for following too closely," Riste lisped.

PHILADELPHIA -- The City of Brotherly Love will be the scene for a court decision over whether a Temple University student was a fruitcake for objecting when Temple University's moguls tried to commit him to the nut ward. Temple decided Michael Anthony Marcavage was kinked in the head when he objected to a planned production of "Corpus Christi," a New York play that portrays Jesus Christ as homosexual. Temple's leaders found it queer that Marcavage objected to "Corpus Christi's" depiction of Christ as the "king of queers" and asserting that he was crucified because he had sex with his disciples.

TWENTYNINE PALMS, California -- Possibly the Marines aren't the only ones looking for a few good men. The Marine Corps is investigating reports that gyrenes have posed naked for gay pornography being sold on the Internet.

McALESTER, Oklahoma -- History possibly was made in Oklahoma when Wanda Jean Allen, 41, became what might have been the first African-American lesbian to encounter the Cleansing Needle. Allen gunned down her lover, Gloria Leathers, outside a police station. Allen had done a ludicrous two years in jail earlier for murdering Detra Pettus, a childhood friend. Allen met Leathers in prison.

The Oklahoma Death Chamber was warmed up by Eddie Leroy Trice, 48, who assumed room temperature for raping and killing an elderly Oklahoma City woman and robbing her of $500. Eddie Leroy explained that he was high when he murdered Ernestine Jones, 84, and raped and brutalized a retarded son who tried to come to her aid.

NEW YORK -- Miss Monica Lewinsky was not moved by the moving withdrawal statement of Linda Chavez, who quit under leftie fire as George W. Bush's nominee to be Secretary of Labor. "I contacted her when I was in trouble and she didn't help. I just needed somebody to help me get back on my back," Lewinsky said.

WASHINGTON -- Came the news that tall vehicles are more likely to roll over than, say, automobiles where the driver's rear end is inches away from the highway. Transportation Secretary Rodney Slater said the critical evidence uncovered by the government will allow consumers to "check comparative rollover risks" when buying. Sources say yet another bombshell announcement is expected before the Clinton Crowd leaves office. "The Surgeon General is putting the final crayon strokes on a report proving conclusively that Dolly Parton has big boobs," said an administration source.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If a Texas Aggie's girlfriend tells him she missed her cycle, should he buy her an "It?"

"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by: