January 22, 2001 -

RAPACIOUS RHYMEOLOGY!

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Jesse propagates; as does California.

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Now, the details...

CHICAGO -- Urban America's First Fool, Jesse Jackson, is taking a little time off from extorting money from corporations and pimping for the Democratic Party. As usual, Jackson explained his absence in bad poetry. "I done got paid, but got caught gettin' laid," Jackson said as tearful supporters mourned his new status as the First Black Bill Clinton. Jackson's quick confirmation that he is the father of an out-of-wedlock 20-month-old child drew mixed reviews from his fellow miscreants. "If it had been me, I would have blamed the baby on Ken Starr or Newt Gingrich," said Clinton, America's First White Jesse Jackson. Semi-retired slasher O.J. Simpson was more direct. "I would have just cut the broad's head off before she got to the delivery room," Simpson simpered. Jackson warned opponents to go slowly in making hay of his roll in it. "First you stole my election, but you never got my erection. You had an inauguration without Jesse, it's gonna get messy," he said.

Jackson said the evil Republicans caused the pregnancy of Operation PUSH pushover Karin Stanford, a 39-year-old political scientist. "It all started when Karin and I were taking a nature walk, discussing the African-American experience and my close relationship with moral leaders from Martin Luther King Jr. through Bill Clinton," Jackson said. He said the nature area narrowed to arbors of small trees and shrubs. They were overcome by sexual desire at the time. "It was the Bushes that did it," Jackson said. He sobbed: "Karin and I should have heeded the clarion call I made at the Democratic National Convention. You'll remember I went on national television to chant `Stay out the Bushes. Stay out the Bushes.'" Jackson said newly inaugurated President George W. Bush also had a role in his embarrassment. "Karin and I were compelled to have the baby. Bush has been telling us not to leave no chile behind!" Jackson ejaculated.

Jackson said he will return to the public eye after an acceptable period of absence to lead a protest of the role Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris and Gov. Jeb Bush had in the unplanned pregnancy of Ms. Stanford. Jackson said Harris and Bush conspired to inflate his sperm count. Meanwhile, political theorists believe the Jackson disclosure explains Jackson's repeated cries of "Selma" in the election brouhaha. "We have searched birth records and found that twelve unmarried women named Selma had babies after liaisons with the Rev. Jackson," said Abstu Nance, president of the Operation Pushover Project.

Jackson drew quick support from his Rainbow-PUSH coalition and others sympathetic to his movement. Woods Colt said Jackson's plight is emblematic of racist harassment. "Look at the facts. Here is a healthy African-American man with no job who makes one itsy-bitsy mistake and mainstream America goes ballistic," Colt chorused.

Jackson quickly received a sympathy call from the Rev. Jerry Falwell but there was no word from former President Clinton. "President Clinton fully intended to call Jesse to offer his congratulations but he was distracted by negotiating his plea agreement, pardoning his former squeeze and trying to obstruct the incoming Bush administration. And we all went into a panic when there were reports from New York that Monica Lewinsky had a sudden swelling in her jaws. Thankfully, it turned out to be a case of the mumps," said Slihm Balle, spokesthing for the Clinton Transition Committee.

A Jackson political theorist said the Jackson/Stanford affair represented an attempt by Jackson to come closer to the mainstream. "It's simple. The Rev. Jackson had become too associated with gays and abortion opponents. This represents Jesse's reaching out to mainstream rogues all over the nation," he/she/it said, adding: "And this gives the lie to the racists who have charged that Jesse has mounting problems."

Meanwhile, Ms. Stanford remained on the Operation Pushover payroll. News reports indicated she and Jackson have not released the name of their baby girl, but sources indicate the Love Child will be called "Selma."

LOS ANGELES -- California Democrats have developed a long-term plan aimed at tilting the political balance of the nation to the far left. A California source said the electricity crisis in the Granola State will result in California having half of the nation's electoral votes within 20 years. "Look at history," said Everreddy Kilowatt, head of the secret California Population Project. "Every time there is a significant electricity disruption, the birth rate soars. Now not everybody in California is gay, so every prolonged electrical outage will bring Power to the People in an increasing birth rate. By 2019, California will be the political colossus of all time," Kilowatt said. Kilowatt's prediction seemed to be borne out by Jesse Jackson. Visiting his friend in Los Angeles. Jackson was overheard humming, "After the Lights Go Down Low..."

NEW YORK -- You might think the mighty New Dork Times would be above making a total distortion of the testimony of John Ashcroft critic Ronnie White. If so, you would be wrong. The most telling quotation from White's testimony against Attorney General-designate Ashcroft was: "I don't think Senator Ashcroft is a racist, and I wouldn't attempt to comment on what's in his mind or what's in his heart." That quotation appeared in most major newspapers, but not the Times. However, Timestwister Neil Lewis did include this paragraph: "Judge White was a stolid presence at today's hearing, declining invitations from some Democrats to speculate on whether Mr. Ashcroft had any racist motives in opposing his judgeship. `I don't know what's in his mind or what's in his heart, so I wouldn't want to speculate on that,' he told Senator Kennedy." Meanwhile, Ashcroft rejected suggestions that he curry favor with the Times by announcing he has become a practicing homosexual.

MIAMI -- The Palm Beach Post recounted everything in sight and an all-chads total indicated George W. Bush would have picked up six votes from 10,600 ballots not included in the count for Miami-Dade County in the presidential election. Algore had contended a recount would give him 600 more votes.

TOW, Texas -- A friend forwards this quotation from General J. Wickam, U.S. Army, retired: "When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional. I'm getting out before it becomes mandatory."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Does this mean that Bill Clinton was Jesse's roll model?

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