January 29, 2001 -

THE TRASH IS TICKED!

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Bill & Hill blow it with an underclass; Jesse is erect on the national morality stage,

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and more. Now, the details...

TOW, Texas -- Wredd Knecke, president of the National Association of White Trash, said he and his millions of members will revoke the memberships of President and Mrs. Clinton at the next NAWT convention. "We White Trashies have supported Bill and Hillary through all the stuff but this here stealing everything in the White House and stripping Air Force One rat down to the toothpaste tends to hold White Trash up to public ridicule," Knecke said. Knecke said the NAWT board has authorized an investigation of Clinton. "We believe there is a possibility that Lewinsky broad wasn't even his cousin," Knecke said. Knecke said his membership was irritated that no White Trash was on Clinton's last-minute pardons list. "Looking at it from the Trailer Park, it kinda 'pears Bill pardoned a bunch of rich people, perverts, thieves and pals. We didn't find nobody named Billy Don or Clyde who got a get-out-of-jail-free card," Knecke said.

ATLANTA -- Even an idiot occasionally gets something right. Faded flower Elizabeth Taylor, appearing with the equally comatose Larry King on his CNN show, was extolling the virtues of some of her better pals in La-La Land. Of Michael Jackson, she said, "Oh, he cares so deeply about the children." Yep. Especially the little boy children.

CHICAGO -- Any mention of an idiot evokes the name of America's newly anointed First Fool, Jesse Jackson. You'll recall that Jesse counseled the former First Fool on morality during the brouhaha over former White House Shop-Vac Monica Lewinsky, all while struttingly siring a bastard child. Jesse removed himself from public life, logged onto an AOL chat room, then pronounced himself cleansed and healed when AOL disconnected him. Purged of his sins, Jesse said he is returning to politics to judge President George W. Bush's administration "by their budget priorities, by their public policy and by their moral tone..."

As usual, Jesse smarmed into bad rhyme to announce his return. "For three days, I been hid; but I 'fessed up that it's my kid. My debts to God, well they been paid. Presidents and preachermen gotta get laid. So I spermed a honey. Didn't cut off the money." President Clinton said he will conduct private counseling for Jesse as soon as a suitable site can be arranged and a few groupies can be recruited for recreational breaks in the therapy sessions.

Sources close to Jackson's Rainbow/PUSHOVER coalition said Jackson's jet- propelled return to his alleged ministry was hastened when he tried to apply for unemployment benefits during his healing period. "The evil racists at the unemployment office told the Reverend he wasn't eligible for benefits because there was no record he had ever had a job," said Liberia Loafre, a Jackson confidante. Jackson considered leading a 'cott of his unemployment office but pulled back after reports that bureaucrats might retaliate by offering him a real job.

WASHINGTON -- The National Association of Paid Prevaricators is contemplating filing for bankruptcy protection now that the Clinton Sleaze Machine is oozing out of public life. "America will miss us," said Slihm Balle, a frequent talking head who came to prominence when TV talk shows were talking head over Clinton/Lewinsky. "Where, in the Bush Administration, are you going to find somebody like our Vic Kambler, who enriched the American experience with his defense of Bill over the famous dress deal. Vic is the guy who said that just because Monica's dress had Bill's semen on it didn't mean the President and Monica had sexual relations," Balle bawled.

CRIPPLE CREEK, Colorado -- Supporters of the Texas Seven band of escapees said a conspiracy in the Clinton White House unfairly targeted the Texas killers. "Our people tried to retain Clinton buddy Jack Quinn to get Clinton to pardon us while we were on the run," said George Rivas, leader of the escapee band. He said Quinn replied that we had to raise $20 million for Bill and $10 million for Hillary before the President could possibly consider a pardon," Rivas said.

NEW YORK -- Right on schedule, after more than eight years of unconscionable journalism that worshipped at the First Slimeball's feet, the mighty New Dork Times and the Washington Post decided that Clinton, and his wife, are slimeballs. Pinch Clintonburgher, the Times Vice President for Sucking Up to Redneck Residue, said the Times and Post will join in coming months to reach startling new conclusions in other areas. "Early in February, we at the revered Times will publish a five-part series proving conclusively that San Francisco has a higher percentage of homosexuals than Bug Tussle, Texas," Pinch preened. He said the Post plans a March expose ending for all time speculation that NBA players are midgets.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Apparently trying to prove that Florida has no monopoly on idiots, state Rep. Ron Wilson, a Houston Democrat, says he wants to give 14-year-olds the right to vote in Texas. Wilson's logic includes the fact that 14-year-olds can be certified for trial as adults. That's his best point. After all, dimwits older than 18 elected Rep. Wilson.

FORT LAUDERDALE, Florida -- Lionel Tate, 13 years old and 180 pounds heavy, was convicted of first-degree murder when a jury of Floridians concluded that he knew he was hurting a 48-pound girl when he stomped, kicked and punched her. Tate lawyer Jim Lewis said Lionel simply was emulating professional wrestlers and had no idea he was harming little Tiffany Eunick. Sure, Jim. Lionel probably saw a WWF show where The Rock kicked hell out of Donna Shalala. Lionel cried when the verdict came in. "I wanted to move to Texas so I could vote for Ron Wilson next year," he sobbed.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Did Hillary law partner Web Hubbell miss his chance for a pardon because Chelsea somewhat resembles him?

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