February 5, 2001 -

KINETIC KILOWATTERY!

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Turn out the lights. Monica is a sex crime (sort of). And more from the American fruitcaked plain.

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Now, the details...

SACRAMENTO, California -- It's going to be a wonderfully funny summer. Nowadays much American humor comes from California and the Granola State promises to keep us rolling in the aisles come hot weather, when the lights go out in Loon Central. Stay tuned for "activists" such as Jesse Jackson to conduct candlelight marches in California, blaming President Bush because the lights have gone out and the water in the hot tubs is cool. Be prepared for yesterday's nutball anti-nukes to take to the streets, demanding "Nuclear Power NOW!" And California Gov. Gray Davis can be expected to demand federal legislation to require the sun to shine night and day, to enhance solar power. And it's possible that Hollywood dimbulbs of the ilk of Alec Baldwin and Barbra Streisand will move to Texas, seeking the light.

Knutte Kase, speaking for California, said the Granola State deserves help and electricity from the rest of the nation. "Look at it in practical terms. Maybe like the Menendez brothers," Kase cajoled. "Just because we in California have killed our parents doesn't mean that we're not orphans."

DALLAS -- Scant days after a report using Nokia cellular telephones as the benchmark for comparing penis length, Nokia circumcised its North Texas manufacturing operations, laying off 1,500 people. A Brazilian urologist was the root cause of the penis survey, asserting that an average erection in Brazil is about the length of a Nokia cell phone with antenna, while the benighted American turgidity is a Nokia with no antenna. Nokia said its cell phone manufacturing will be done in Mexico and South Korea. "We never even considered Brazil," said Simon Shrunke, a Nokia spokesthing, adding: "In cell phones, smaller is better."

NEW YORK -- Monica Lewinsky is a fat airhead with problems, but her name alone can be "sexual harassment," according to a New York federal judge. The judge allowed a lawsuit by Inbal Hayut, who said she was subjected to a "sexually hostile environment" when a political science professor repeatedly called her "Monica" and made cigar jokes. Ms. Hayut said the ridicule subjected her to shame and humiliation and made her unable to concentrate. Asked for comment, former White House Shop-Vac Monica Lewinsky dismissed the hubbub. "I would have just blown it off," she said.

BALTIMORE, Maryland -- Another of the Kennedy myths died. After the Baltimore Ravens (also known as the Maryland Malefactors) demolished the New York Giants in the Super Snoozer, Maryland Lt. Gov. Kathleen Kennedy Townsend was asked for her favorite play. "I loved it when we made that football," she said. "The Giants had just made a football, and we came right back." It would appear the Kennedys French-kissed too many trees while playing Touch Football.

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana -- Well, Bill Clinton's role model was one of the few rogue Democrats who didn't get a pardon. And former Louisiana Gov. Edwin Edwards is hacked because nobody in the Justice Department cares about family values nowadays. Fast Eddie, his son Stephen, and three other men were convicted May 9, on charges they rigged the riverboat casino licensing process before and after Mr. Edwards' fourth and final term in office, which ended in January 1996. Fast Eddie asked to serve time in the same federal slammer with little Stevie but was turned down. Asked why the Edwards boys didn't get a pardon, Clinton spokesman Slihm Balle said, "Gee. I dunno. Maybe they didn't send any money."

WINNIPEG, Manitoba -- Now is that Shriners, or is it Swiners? It's reported from Winnipeg that a Shriner benefit for sick children was so successful that Shriners had oral sex with the contract nude dancers while hundreds of fezzes filled the air. Asked for comment, former President Bill Clinton said the Shriner benefit apparently involved consensual sexual acts. "Besides," Clinton said, "it was for the children."

ORLANDO, Florida -- As if Florida didn't have enough problems. Saddled with senile citizens too stupid to know that they can only vote for one person in a presidential race, Florida now has to grapple with a theme park about Jesus, headed by Jewish man who has converted to Christianity. The Holy Land Experience, a $16 million, 15-acre park is near Universal Studios and calls itself a "living biblical museum." Florida Democrats are taking the theme park ecumenically. "I will support the park if it tells the truth - that the people at the Last Supper ate chads to make certain Jesus got their votes," said Bittre Enddur.

SANTA BARBARA, California -- Banning decloseted homosexuals from the military would create a problem. It seems Aaron Belkin of the University of California's Center for the Study of Sexual Minorities in the Military would be out of a job. Center Director Belkin says "sexual minorities" are "homosexuals, bisexuals, transsexuals" and "many different types of sexualities." There are more?

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: After the Lights Go Down Low in California, will Jesse Jackson conduct morality clinics with his California mistresses?

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