February 12, 2001 -

CALAMITOUS CARDOGRAPHY!

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Eric plays the Race Card and the game goes on; Bill chases all-white balls at a similar course.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- There was a little-noticed watershed moment on Thursday in the House committee hearing on the pardon that fugitive scumbucket Marc Rich bought from Your Ex-President. Deputy Attorney General Eric Holder tried to play the "race card," asserting that he once supported a pardon for a fugitive because the fugitive had been the victim of racial discrimination. Not even the more brain dead Democrats on the Government Reform committee paid any attention. Fugitive sperm donor Jesse Jackson decried the situation in a statement issued from a California home for pregnant Operation PUSHovers. "African-Americans have only recently gained the right to make the race card the trump of everything. The evil Bush administration, working with Clarence Thomas, has negated this, meaning a return to slavery, whippings, and massahs impregnating their bed wenches," Jackson said. Asked for comment, Jackson associate Ruwanda Roundheels said, "Who's massah?"

Meanwhile, Rich made a bombshell announcement from his hideaway in Switzerland. "I want my fellow oppressed Americans to know that during my exile, forced by the evil George and Jeb Bush and Newt Gingrich, that I have had an epiphany and will return to the United States as an African-American Democratic voter from Palm Beach County, Florida." Rich said he plans to utilize his rejuvenated status as a disenfranchised minority voter once he is able to develop the mental capacity to understand a butterfly ballot. Jesse Jackson said Operation PUSH welcomes Rich to its ranks. "We once were considering a 'cott of Mr. Rich's evil capitalist businesses but it is good to see a racist from Hymietown who can be SOMEBODY," Jackson said. Rich expressed his gratitude by announcing he is donating $20 million to open a Jesse Jackson Sperm Bank in Switzerland.

MIAMI -- The man lionized as America's First Black President spent much of the week playing golf at Indian Creek Country Club, an assertedly elite club that excludes all blacks and Jews. Indian Creek Village mayor Len Miller, a Jew, said, "It's an embarrassment. I have this kind of home, in this kind of setting, but I have to tell people, 'I am not welcome at that club.'" You're a lucky man, mayor. One Indian Creeker sniffed over the bigotry flap. "We won't let people into the club merely because they buy a home on the island." If the club did, he said, "the next thing you know we'll have a drug dealer in the club." Yep. But he might object to playing in a foursome with a rapist.

WASHINGTON -- Just when you might have thought all is lost, it seems that even greedy investors show some intolerance for corruption and incompetence. Chairman Philip Purcell of Morgan Stanley, the big investment company, said Morgan Stanley didn't understand how much its clients deplored Bill Clinton's shenanigans when the First Furniture Felon was invited to speak, for $100,000, to a client gathering. Purcell is expected to make amends by paying Jesse Jackson $200,000 to address a Morgan Stanley conference on moral behavior.

Looking ahead, Morgan Stanley is quietly working on financial packages that will help its clients cash in if there is a Hillary Clinton presidency. "We will be the first Wall Street biggie to offer Pardons Futures and hedge funds that will allow our greedy investors to make money by speculating on how much silverware and furniture President HRC and Ex-President Lightfingers pilfer from the White House," said a Purcell spokesthing.

SAN FRANCISCO -- My question is simple. If I write a novel about California's hilarious power problems, should I call it "Heart of Darkness?" Or would that be racist or elitist? However, the California plot unfolds daily, written by George Orwell and Saturday Night Live. Gov. Gray (Blackout) Davis announced an epiphany: he has discovered that electricity comes from plants that manufacture electricity. Davis told confidantes he believes former Presidents Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush hid the truth from him for all these decades. "President George W. Bush can make amends for the deceptions practiced by his Old Daddy and Reagan by requiring that California temperatures not be allowed to rise above 68 degrees this summer, averting a Kook Kilowatt Karnage," Davis said.

ST. LOUIS -- Ever wonder about what you DON'T read in the papers? Well, now, how could you? That would be akin to asking for a copy of the Unwritten Rules. Well, one of the Unwritten Rules of journalism today involves not speaking ill of the current minority icon. A current icon is Missouri Judge Ronnie White, proffered by the left as the Anita Hill figure for the nomination of Attorney General John Ashcroft. We all read the magical stories of Judge White's career. Gifted jurist, victimized by a putative racist, John Ashcroft. But somehow missing were some vignettes from Ronnie White's past. Such as the provable story of his fathering a child out of wedlock. After initially accepting responsibility for the child, Our Hero backed off when he found he wasn't named as the father on the birth certificate. He stopped financial support, only to resume it after a blood test proved he indeed was Papa Ronnie.

MIAMI -- ABC superstar Barbara Walters is en route to Florida to do a major takeout on semi-retired slasher O.J. Simpson, who faces possible slammer time for an altercation after a traffic dispute. "BaBa has been itching to do a follow-up on the Simpson story and this one has it all: O.J. the free killer and her favorite topic: Wode Wage," said Samantha Stutter, Mrs. Wah-Wah's diction coach.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: E-mail your answer. Who was Second Perjurer Hillary Clinton speaking of when she said: "His record demonstrates a long personal struggle to bend the rule of law to fit his views?"

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