February 19, 2001 -

BOMBASTIC BIMBO BOMBOGRAPHY!

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Bill suspects a new Monica; Rudy gets dissed; and then there are the California idiots (pardon the redundancy).

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Now, the details...

CHAPPAQUA, New York -- Sources close to the former First Scumbucket say Clinton believes that President George W. Bush's decision to bomb Iraqi radar sites indicates GWB already has become involved with a White House intern. "He should have gone after an aspirin factory. That's the way I did it," Clinton said. Clinton admitted he often considered sending bombers after Iraqi installations in the no-fly zone. "Monica always went ballistic when the term `no-fly zone' came up," Clinton said.

NEW YORK -- The mighty New Dork Times, as usual, let its political bent get in the way of a 5,900-word story on the revitalization of Harlem. Republican Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, in charge in New York for almost eight years, rates one passing mention on Harlem's emergence from Hellholery. It is characteristically brief and unrevealing. "But starting in 1994, Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani established an array of programs to transfer city-owned properties to private owners. The goals were to relieve the city of the burden and expense of property management, and to restore whole neighborhoods rather than individual buildings." The almost-unbelievable Giuliani record in suppressing crime is mentioned only in passing and devoid of any reference to Rudy.

In other Harlem news, sources close to former Second Felon Hillary Clinton say the newly minted New York senator is deliriously happy that the First Rapist apparently will spend quite a bit of time in Harlem. "Bill might be called America's First Black President, but he has absolutely zero history of rape or sexual escapades with African-American women," said Letitia Lesbos, an adviser to Hillary. Lesbos said Bill Clinton's appropriation of Harlem office space once planned as a center for battered and abused women still will make women safer across the entire metropolitan area. "Having Mr. Clinton arrayed with only African-American potential victims is good for America," Lesbos lugubriated.

However, the Times did manage to smear Giuliani frequently in a story about a Brooklyn Museum exhibit of alleged art, which depicts Jesus as a naked black woman, surrounded by black disciples. Well, mostly black disciples. Judas is depicted as white. An alleged news story in the Times asserts that "Giuliani's motives were a source of debate yesterday, particularly because he has no plans to run for office in the immediate future." Rudy said he deplored the racist "art" display, mostly because it is financed by taxpayer money. Touchy racist, that Rudy. The "art" is titled "Yo Mama's Last Supper."

BOSTON -- Probably the largest small surprise from the flappola over fugitive billionaire Marc Rich's purchase of a Clinton pardon came from Congressman Barney Frank - long a leading mouthpiece for Clinton apologia. Frank, a Massachusetts Democrat, said the Rich pardon was "appalling" and "insensitive to what is right and wrong." Clinton's shrinking coterie of defenders huddled to decide whether to attack Frank, Congress's first member to decloset himself, as anti-gay. "Barney warned us that he was about to turn over a new page, but we thought that was an intra-office personnel matter involving adults and decisions about private sexual proclivities," said Klement Kinke, a Clinton confidante.

NEW ORLEANS -- Proving that "mouthpiece" is one of the synonymns for its name, software giant Oracle announced breathlessly that a Bill Clinton speech will kick off an e-business event in New Orleans. "So who better to kick off the biggest event in e-business than former United States President Bill Clinton?" orated an Oracle press release, calling Clinton America's "first high tech president." Yeh, right. Clinton is proud that he is a technological Luddite. He says his computer skills are nonexistent and he doesn't even use a calculator - even when calculating amortization schedules for bribes from fugitive billionaires.

LOS ANGELES -- The idiots are restless. Martin Sheen, who plays a Democratic president on the NBC series the Left Wing (or maybe it's West Wing) says George W. Bush is "a moron, if you'll pardon the expression." While applauding the sentiments, ex President Bill Clinton told Sheen he would pardon the expression for a paltry $100,000.

LOS ANGELES -- Actress Sharon Lawrence shocked both Republican voters in Palm Beach County nursing homes by revealing that being suspected of being a Republican can ruin a bimbo's career. Ms. Lawrence said she has been confronted on the streets of Hollywood by people demanding to know whether she is or has ever been a Republican, which she says she has not. "If one is even perceived to be a Republican in Hollywood, there can be an excluding reaction and people genuinely resent you!" she howled. Sharon's picture appeared in proximity to one of George W. Bush during the presidential inauguration.

And in Washington, the elegant Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas shocked the nation's lefties with a wide-ranging speech in which he said people who stand firm for their beliefs often are intimidated into silence. "Easy for him to say," said Sharon Lawrence, "he's a Republican and he doesn't have to flash his boobs to get work."

CHICAGO -- Jesse watch. The National Enquirer reports there is another story of Rev. Jesse Jackson's "knowing" another Operation PUSHover babe in the Biblical sense. The Enquirer says Jesse showered the 31-year-old woman with cash gifts and arranged for her to get a $12,000 raise during a wage freeze at Operation Push.

MIAMI, Florida -- Paul from the Heart of Darkness (sometimes known as California) e-mails the latest "protest" bumper sticker for South Florida. It reads: "Honk if you voted for Al Gore. (Push that big button in the center of the steering wheel)"

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If we can choose the theme song for the Clinton years, how's about: "If you've got the money, honey, I've got the time?"

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