March 5, 2001 -

VACUOUS VICTIMOLOGY!

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Bill supports Hill, who doesn't know much, as maggots continue to gag across the fruited plain.

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Those, and more. Now, the details...

CHAPPAQUA, New York -- Hillaryistas are exultant over a National Enquirer story accusing the former First Scumbucket of having sexual relations in the White House with Denise Rich. "Nothing helps Hillary's poll numbers like a new bimbo eruption involving the fat guy from Arkansas, whom she barely knows," said Veronica Venality, head of the Hillary Victimization Unit. Hillary sources said Bill Clinton is grudgingly acting as a Hillary helpmate by agreeing to Rich bitchery. "In the vernacular, this is known as `taking one for the team'," said a spokesthing for the former president.

NEW YORK -- New Yorkers have become such conspiracy-minded Clinton bashers that newly minted Sen. Hillary has threatened to run for the Senate from California, where people aren't so suspicious. A Zogby International Poll showed that 58 percent of New Yorkers don't believe the former Second Felon's stories about pardons. Thirty-three percent of New Yorkers believe she told the truth when she testified, in effect, that she only met her husband on January 21, and doesn't know her brother, Hugh Rodham. Senator Clinton is expected to introduce a bill to enable nationwide random DNA tests to try to establish the identity of Chelsea's father.

And in other news of Hill and Bill outrages, columnist Debbie Schlussel leaped to the defense of Jed Clampett, Jethro Bodine, Ellie Mae and Granny - the characters on the Beverly Hillbillies. Schlussel's hot button was pressed by a parody song that depicts the Clintons as the "Capitol Hillbillies." She wrote: "...the Clampetts . . . were decent, honest, hard-working country folk, who had to deal with the phoniness and snobbery of the Clintonesque Beverly Hills set..."

NEW YORK -- Seeking to move New York City back into primacy as Idiots Capital of the Nation, 47 percent of voters in the Bad Apple told Quinnipiac University pollsters they would like to see Ex President Clinton run for mayor. Forty-nine percent said Bill should confine himself to graft, corruption and sexual predation in the private sector.

CHICAGO -- A new accidental humorist emerged from the Clinton scandals. Chicago Tribune columnist Clarence Page - an inveterate defender of the indefensible during the years of Hill and Bill - wrote: "...if you take away the Clintons, Democrats nationally are in great shape. All they need to do is, one, put the Clintons behind them and, two, rediscover their party's soul." Nothing to it. Of course, if Nixon could have taken away Watergate he would have been in great shape. Subtract the Holocaust and a few minor invasions of neighboring countries and Hitler's National Socialist Party would have been riding high.

NEW YORK -- The sound of still another maggot gagging emanated from the New York Observer - the Clinton-loving newspaper which serves as the voice of Manhattan's alleged intelligentsia. Of the lovely Second Felon, the Observer said: "Had she any shame, she would resign." A spokesman for Hillary Clinton said: "Questions about shame should be addressed to the fat boy from Arkansas. I don't believe the Senator knows him, except possibly in the Biblical sense."

NEW YORK -- Evil New York tax moguls indicated they will try to get the $137 million in state taxes that Clinton beneficiary Marc Rich evaded by tripping off to Switzerland 17 years ago. Democrats were quick to blame the evil George W. Bush administration. "Everybody knows Bush wants tax cuts for the Rich. He needs to move in and tell New York to back off," said Skum Spinnre, an aide to former President Clinton.

COLUMBIA, South Carolina -- Republicans face demands they be jailed or executed if they happen to use the word "queer" to describe something that is "strange" but Democrats can get away with anti-gay slurs. Witness South Carolina state Democratic Chairman Dick Harpootlian, who said Republican Rep. Lindsey Graham was "a little light in the loafers" to succeed Strom Thurmond in the Senate. Harpootlian said he had no idea that "light in the loafers" is generally interchangeable nowadays with "fairy." Graham, unmarried at 45, said he likes women. He pulled back a stronger footwear statement since it contained the phrase "black loafers" and might subject him to charges of racism.

STETTLER, Alberta -- Arrested after his car had been seen weaving down the highway, David Zurfluh figured he needed to do something to absorb the alcohol in his system. So he tried to eat his shorts. It might have worked. Zurfluh blew .08 on the Breathalyzer, bottom of the legal limit and charges were dismissed.

HOUSTON -- Having gone several days with no known sociopathic acts, the ACLU sought to rejuvenate its image by announcing it will consider filing suit against a Houston ordinance that might protect the public from being hustled by aggressive panhandlers. The proposed ordinance would prohibit the so-called homeless from panhandling within eight feet of ATMs, pay telephones, parking meters and gasoline pumps.

SAN FRANCISCO -- And from San Francisco word leaked out during a tangled web of a story involving dogs and death that sexual relations with animals is a misdemeanor in the Granola State. The ACLU has yet to leap into the animal-husbandry dispute. "We're looking into it as a probable privacy issue," said Wrott Whiler, head of the California ACLU's Poodle Penetration Project.

EL PASO, Texas -- Proving that old coots are as stupid as the young pups, Mateo Grado, 81, was busted on charges of trying to smuggle 104 pounds of marijuana into the United States in his pickup truck. Customs officials said it is not known whether Grado is an elderly entrepreneur or an over-the-hill drug mule. The ACLU is considering an age-discrimination lawsuit on Mateo's behalf.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Is Canada the home of the term, "Eat my shorts?"

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