March 12, 2001 -

ABUNDANT ASININITY!

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Jesse is back; and so is Ted as idiots abound.

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Now, the details...

CHICAGO -- Jesse Jackson, the Democratic Party's ranking racist (ahead of Robert Byrd), brought his brand of inclusiveness to a stonewalling presentation aimed at whitewashing his financial shenanigans. We need a new word for Jackson's manipulation. Possibly "blackwashing," since there was not one Anglo, Oriental or Hispanic face in evidence as Jackson surrounded himself with his associates for a Clintonian ("there is no evidence...") presentation. Jackson said it was an "oversight" that tax returns for his vast race-card empire failed to mention huge payments to his mistress.

Always good for a laugh or two, Jackson said he and his wife live frugally on his estimated $400,000 a year income. He said he has to ask his wife for incidental spending money. I can see how that would work in my household. "Uh, Carole, I need a couple of hundred thousand for one of my mistresses and babies." "No problem. I'll give you the money after you recover from your .38- caliber vasectomy." On a broader topic, Jackson said critical news accounts of his life are the result of a vast right-wing conspiracy. The laughter at that was muted, of course, since it's politically incorrect to guffaw at an ebony icon.

Senator Byrd was relatively untouched by his gratuitous use of the dreaded N-word in a news interview. "Senator Byrd is a racist but he's a racist Democrat, meaning he is our kind of racist," said Wrace Khard, a spokesthing for Jesse Jackson. Khard said America should concentrate on stamping out the brand of racism exhibited by President Bush. "Bush demonstrates no hatred or distaste for minorities, making him the most evil form of a White Devil," Khard said.

MIAMI -- Former Attorney General Janet Reno, retired Chief of Stonewall Services for the Clinton White House, said Jackson's obstructionism was the work of an amateur. "If he had more experience in stonewalling, he would have appointed an Independent Counsel for himself, then attacked him, then ignored anything the investigation indicated," Ms. Reno said. "At least that's the way we did it."

ATLANTA -- Putting a biracial face on idiocy, CNN founder Ted Turner referred to some staffers at the Clinton News Network as "a bunch of Jesus freaks" because they had ashes on their foreheads in observance of Ash Wednesday. Turner's remarks prompted William Donohue, president of the Catholic League, to remark that Turner "...may be just as dumb as John Rocker." Rocker, a pitcher for the Atlanta Braves, is expected to sue.

WASHINGTON -- Gathering to promote Socialism as a "progressive" side of the Democratic Party, many members of Democratic Socialists of America lashed out at President Bush and free enterprise. The DSA is expected to approve a resolution at its next meeting, honoring DSA member Maxine Waters, a California Congresswoman. "Maxine's work in favor of socialism in America is secondary to her achievement - even after the age of menopause, she continues to improve on the world record for Perennial PMS," said Sahara Scohl, a Waters aide.

STOCKHOLM -- Maybe the lasting allure of socialism is the lust to follow Bjorn Borg's wisdom. The tennis star urged Europeans to have sex more frequently in order to hype the birth rate and ensure future financing of pensions. Borg's clarion call to copulation came in a full-page ad in Sweden's main financial daily. Former President Bill Clinton is arranging a trip to Sweden. Aides said the timing of the yearlong visit was coincidental.

NEW YORK -- The CBS News poll showed that 88 percent of Americans who heard President George W. Bush's address to Congress approved of Bush's tax proposals, with 67 percent approving his proposed tax cut. The results of the poll have been reported fairly frequently - on Fox News. CBS has not uttered a word about the poll it paid for but has had stories about other polls that showed a less favorable reaction to the President.

FORT LAUDERDALE, Florida -- Putting a uniformed face on stupidity was the Florida State Trooper who, as the mother of a young murderer, passed up a stay-out-of-jail free deal for her son, then gasped as he became the youngest American ever sentenced to life in jail. The little jailbird is Lionel Tate, 14, who is 6-foot-2 and weighs more than 200 pounds. Little Lionel was only 12 when he brutalized a 48-pound girl by practicing his pro-wrestling tactics on her. (An autopsy indicated Tiffany Eunick's injuries were equivalent to falling from a three-story building). Our Mother of the Year is Lionel's mom, trooper Kathleen Grossett-Tate. She said it never occurred to her that Lionel's possible sentence for murder (life in prison) meant he might serve life in prison. So, if you get a speeding ticket in Florida, consider that the trooper writing it might be an idiot.

ATLANTA -- Good news for homosexuals and IV drug users came from Emory University in Atlanta. That in the form of a discovery that an experimental vaccine has prevented AIDS in monkeys infected with a mix of the human and simian versions of the HIV virus. So, anyone who shares an intimate experience in a hot tub (or a drug needle) with a monkey now knows that help might be on the way.

SANTA CRUZ, California -- Taking stupidity down one more rung in the idiocy food chain was the Santa Cruz City Council, which seriously debated rewriting city ordinances to replace "pet owners" with "pet guardians."

SANTEE, California -- A watershed in politically correct, non-gender-specific speech came during an early report on Fox News Channel about a shooting spree at a California high school. Fox cut to an anchorMAN at KFMB (TV), who referred to the "gunperson" at the school.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Would Jesse Jackson have stayed out of woman trouble if Maxine Waters had been his mistress?

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