March 19, 2001 -

HOLLYWOOD HORRIBILITY!

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Spielberg lurks, Ted Turner jerks and Julia remains dead north of the cleavage.

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Now, the details...

LONDON -- From the Sunday Times comes a report that Steven Spielberg's planned movie on Abe Lincoln will portray the Great Emancipator as a nutball racist who wanted to send Negroes back to Africa. Hollywood sources believe it likely that the role of Lincoln will be given to Jesse Jackson and Maxine Waters will play Mary Lincoln. In other nutball news, Spielberg also is checking on a script that portrays St. Patrick as an animal-rights headcase. "Stevie is looking at Chris Rock as St. Patrick and might introduce James Carville in the role of Ireland's reptiles," said a source in the Granola State.

Fearing that Hollywoodheads might surpass his standing as America's Ranking Billionaire Bonehead, Ted Turner made an idiot of himself again. He said the U.S. didn't win the Cold War, that it ended in a stalemate. And: "When we bomb countries we bomb places like Iran or Iraq. The little guys. I don't know why we haven't bombed the Palestinians because they only have rocks to throw at us."

WASHINGTON -- Amid absolute shock at the Washington Post, the Post reported that the number of illegal aliens in the United States probably is 3- to 5-million higher than the 6-million counted in the 2000 census. The Post and census watchers were astounded to learn that illegal aliens avoid census counters, because they are in the country illegally. The Post, of course, tried to Avoid referring to illegal immigrants as illegal immigrants, preferring the more PC term of "undocumented immigrants." Californians and voters in South Florida need to be made aware that an undocumented immigrant is an illegal alien. Steven Spielberg is considering a script that portrays illegal aliens as heroic rights crusaders pursued by robotic exterminators. Julia Roberts will emote as a harried illegal pursued by George W. Bush lookalikes who are programmed to home in on her boobs.

LOS ANGELES -- To the shock and dismay of the Granola State, Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham said electricity blackouts are certain this summer in California because California has had mega-increases in fruitcakes and a net gain of zero in generating capacity. Steven Spielberg is reported working on a movie depicting Thomas Edison as an anti-gay rights zealot who secretly plotted to have electricity go away when crazy people formed more than 80 percent of those trying to warm up a hot tub.

CHICAGO -- Rev. Jesse Jackson said he welcomes Spielberg's new look at Lincoln's asserted racism and head problems. Jackson said he has long believed that Lincoln's Gettysburg address, in which the term "four score" is utilized, had to do with Lincoln's out-of-control sexual appetite. "I just scored a couple of times and was pilloried for it," Jackson sobbed. Jackson said negotiations with Spielberg's production company are continuing. "I will take the gig if it's not a real job," Jackson said, adding: "It ain't snide to say that I got my pride." Spielberg said he had no problem with Jackson's demand that all women on the movie set be pre-inoculated with birth-control pills.

BURLINGTON, Vermont -- To a wave of dismay in the liberal northeast, Vermont's House of Representatives passed a bill that would outlaw same-sex marriages. Republicans rode the issue of so-called "civil unions" to a slight majority in the Vermont house in the last elections. Steven Spielberg is considering a movie depicting Nathan Hale and his Green Mountain boys as predatory pederasts. "History tells us that Hale and his tong usually attacked the British boys from behind," said a Spielberg script doctor.

WASHINGTON -- Democrats are negotiating with Hollywoodheads to produce a quickie movie to prove that the first hour of the George W. Bush administration produced a gut-wrenching downturn in the economy. "Look at the record," said Steven Spielberg. "Clinton was still giving his farewell fabrications when the Dow Jones headed south, the lights went out in California and Julia Roberts was declared brain dead because the electric fans in her ears stopped blowing air."

In Boston, Sen. Teddy Kennedy said he has unearthed a movie script written by former President John F. Kennedy. "The script foretells the economic devastation of the George W. Bush administration and proves conclusively that President Kennedy was speaking of small fastening devices when he was quoted as being in favor of tacks cuts," the Massachusetts White Whale said.

CHAPPAQUA, New York -- Tom Hanks is expected to take the role of Bill Clinton in a kinda/sorta remake of Forrest Gump in which Clinton emerges from a technology-deficient bad joke to become an icon who can send his own e-mail messages. After more than eight years of covering Clinton, American journalists finally let slip the fact that the former President has trouble using his Palm Pilot while chewing gum.

JERUSALEM -- Yasser Arafat, Bill Clinton's best bud in the Middle East, apparently has salted away a paltry $20 million just in case he has to leave his asserted homeland. "Chairman Arafat indeed swiped $20 million and put it in a Swiss bank account but, as a peacemaker, he plans to use the money to buy new rocks for Palestinian protesters if it comes to that," said Yessir Fatarab, a spokesman for Arafat.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Mass murderer Henry Lee Lucas, a gotch-eyed drifter who killed hundreds of people - mostly those who couldn't defend themselves - died in the Texas Prison System's Ellis Unit. Henry Lee died of heart failure at 64, a luxury he didn't afford other people, including his own mother. She was Henry Lee's first victim. He got 15 years in Michigan for beating her to death. Henry Lee confessed to hundreds of murders, then said he was just kidding. Gov. George W. Bush was forced to commute Henry Lee's death sentence to live imprisonment in 1998. Spielberg productions is working to produce a made-for-TV movie portraying Henry Lee as a victim of discrimination against the visually handicapped.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Since alleged environmentalists say coastal cities will be flooded if the polar ice melts, why doesn't my tea glass run over when the ice melts?

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