March 26, 2001 -

GALLOPING GAYOCRACY!

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Gays can do no evil; there's "Fistgate" and other kinks and quirks in the news.

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Now, the details...

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas -- Ask a media giant about the Jesse Dirkhising story and he/she/it will begin spinning like Bill Clinton at Confession. The Dirkhising story is eminently questionable because it is the flip side of the celebrated story of Matthew Shepard in Wyoming. Matthew Shepard was a young homosexual college student who was murdered by two redneck jerks. Jesse Dirkhising was a 13-year-old boy who died after he was bound, gagged and sodomized over a period of hours by two gay men. Only the Washington Times and Fox News Channel have given significant coverage to the Dirkhising death, while the Shepard story rose to the level of Princess Diana hitting the wall. "This discrepancy isn't just real. It's staggering," Andrew Sullivan wrote in the liberal New Republic magazine. Sullivan, a homosexual, cited Nexis database statistics showing 3,007 stories about the Shepard killing in the month after the Wyoming murder, but just 46 stories about Dirkhising's murder in the month after he died.

The mighty New Dork Times has reported nary a word about the Dirkhising case. A possible clue comes from a speech by Timesdorque Richard Berke, national political correspondent, to a gathering of the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association. Berke said: "...literally three-quarters of the people deciding what's on the front page are not-so-closeted homosexuals."

BOSTON -- If you want your youngsters properly inculcated in aberrant sex, you might enroll them for the rerun next year of a state-sponsored Tufts University seminar on kinkitude. The Tufts University gathering was nicknamed "Fistgate" - this after a "workshop" for people aged 14-21 got step-by-step instruction on the how-to of a homosexual act called "fisting." A Tufts spokesthing said actor Richard Gere declined to attend with his pet gerbil.

ANNAPOLIS, Maryland -- The tedious Washington Post contained a laborious story of more than 1,700 words about the "relationship" between Maryland Gov. Parris Glendening and his first lady, Frances Hughes Glendening. It seems there is none - that Frances lives in University Park while Parris resides at the Governor's Mansion. The Parris/Frances situation is a flip of the arrangements that deviled Marvin Mandel, a Glendening predecessor and another Maryland Democrat. Mrs. Mandel kicked Marvin out of the mansion and Marvin took up residence on the same street that led to the home of his mistress. The street's local name became "The Road to Mandel's Lay." Marvin's sex drive was somewhat suppressed when he was sent to a federal slammer for mail fraud, then pardoned by President Reagan.

In other news from the Post, an interminable story signed by two writers concluded that President Bush, a conservative, is filling his administration with conservatives. "This is a plot by the GWB administration to disable our entire Editorial Board," said Post Chief Pestilence Katherine Graham. Postpest Leftie LeGrone backed up Mrs. Graham's assertion. "The company's expenses for anti-depressants for members of the Editorial Board have gone up 400 percent and we're not yet at the 100-day mark," LeGrone lamented.

The Post's scoop on conservatives followed an identical New Dork Times expose by exactly a week (and the Times story was about the same time lag behind a story in the Washington Times). Sniffing a bigger scoop, however, Mrs. Graham and Timesdorque Pinch Sulzberger are assembling a clandestine joint investigative unit. "This is big," said A.H. Majorleague, a pseudonym used by Bush-whacker Adam Clymer. "We believe there is a definite likelihood that Barbara Bush fooled around with Ronald Reagan in her youth and that Reagan is GWB's biological father," Majorleague maundered.

LOS ANGELES -- Hollywoodheads reacted with glee to word that Vice President Dick Cheney's energy policy team might recommend a policy of building nuclear power plants. "The evil nuclear industry has deliberately held back on needed nuclear plants in a plot to kill Californians and to make the light so dim that it is difficult to apply makeup," Julia Roberts said in an emotional speech. Gov. Gray (Blackout) Davis said he will demand that the first nuclear generating units be built in Beverly Hills. "We will not stand by and allow the evil Republicans to make Stevie Spielberg and other millionaires sweat as if they were ordinary slobs," Davis said.

NEW YORK -- Alleged film genius Spike Lee is on the verge of committing columnization. Insiders say Lee's musings on sports will appear each month in Gotham magazine. Lee's opening piece will contend that baseball great Babe Ruth was a black man (I am not making this up). It is likely that a future Spike column will assert that Ruth's co-star, Lou Gehrig, actually died of sickle-cell anemia. After that will come the expose on pitcher Whitey Ford...

WASHINGTON -- Ah, those golden-throated geniuses who pounce on each and any grammatical screwup or solecism by President Bush. Take David Gregory of MSNBC, questioning at a White House press briefing: "What message do you think it sends that the president says he wants a campaign finance bill, but to get it, he's going to back another horse in the fight?" Yep. This campaign finance thing is close. Looks like it's going to be a real dog race.

WASHINGTON -- President George W. Bush's possible move of taking the American Bar Association out of the process of appointing judges must be even better policy that most of us thought. That's obvious since the Washington Post on March 21, 2001 editorialized strongly in favor of keeping the leftie ABA involved in selecting judges.

TOW, Texas -- I guess it's time for me to say I am now supporting the zillionaire Sen. John Corzine, a Democrat who bought a U.S. Senate seat from New Jersey. I become a Corzinivert for only one reason: greed. Corzine laid out a tax-cut proposal aimed, he says, at getting billions of dollars in the hands of "people who will spend it." I figure my wife, Carole, will become a billionairess if the Corzine thinking is adopted.

NEW YORK -- Agriculture officials said emergency plans are being drawn to quarantine Rosie O'Donnell in the event of a United States incidence of mad cow disease.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Does Alan Greenspan prefer to stay at the office and foul up the economy because it's more pleasant than going home to Andrea Mitchell?

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