April 2, 2001 -

AWESOME ANIMAL ASSIGNATIONS!

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We have sex, retardation and Willie Isby.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

PRINCETON, New Jersey -- Ah, the vaunted Ivy League. Launching Princeton and his asserted specialty of "bioethics" into new areas of raucous humor is Professor Peter Singer, professor of bioethics. Singer titillated perverts everywhere with a pronouncement that sexual relations with animals are just fine - so long as the animal gives consent and does not become dinner or smoke a cigarette after the liaison. The great State of Montana is considering filing a lawsuit against Singer based on his illegal appropriation of the old slogan: "Montana, Where Men are Men and Sheep are Nervous."

Meanwhile, support burgeoned in the entertainment industry for Singer's view of animal cracking. "Sex with lower life forms is necessary. If sex with animals is outlawed, then Rosie O'Donnell never again will have sex," said Horsse Plaier, a devotee of Singer's bioethical positions. And the Association of National Football League Linebackers said Singer supports a basic American right important to all linebackers and many other professional athletes. Heavyweight boxer Mike Tyson also issued a strong statement in support of Singer's viewpoints.

Speaking from inside the high fence surrounding the Post-Presidential Intern Pen at Chappaqua, New York, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton announced she will sponsor legislation aimed at making sex with animals a felony offense. Mrs. Clinton said she will fight any attempts to make punishment retroactive. "I feel it is my duty to protect the rights of my husband, Monica Lewinsky and James Carville," Senator Clinton animated. California Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters was chasing automobiles on Pennsylvania Avenue and could not be reached for comment.

WASHINGTON -- Democrats lined up behind a new welfare queen-in-waiting, trying to raise money to rescue the finances of Sen. Maria Cantwell, a Washington state Democrat. Technology stocks have had sexual relations with Cantwell's holdings in RealNetworks and other technology stocks. She once pledged part of her supposed $40 million personal worth to pay campaign debts of more than $5 million. Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton issued a spirited defense of Cantwell. "Despite rumors spread by the vast right-wing conspiracy, I can prove that Senator Cantwell has an IQ high enough that she could be executed in Texas. Or maybe be governor of California," Hillary harrumphed. Senator Cantwell said she is taking leave of the money problems by getting a friend to lend sex books. "I haven't started it yet, but I plan to read Animal Farm," she said.

WASHINGTON -- Voters in Massachusetts, California and Florida are fixated on a pending Supreme Court decision on the legality of executing the mentally retarded. Quoting "experts," the New Dork Times said about 10 percent of the 3,600 prisoners on death row are mentally retarded, meaning they have I.Q. scores of less than 70. "This fact means that millions of people in South Florida, Massachusetts and California could face potential extermination simply because they are too stupid to work for the local Welfare Department and could barely function as Governor of California," said Beau Vihn, a specialist who normally testifies about Florida's so-called butterfly ballot. Vihn said sexual relations with animals, and among themselves, is important but must take a back seat to the issue of executing the mentally deficient. "This execution thing is a matter of life or death," he said.

In other news of the mentally deficient and animal sexuality, Bush Administration aide Mary Matalin announced she will go to a veterinarian to establish whether she might again be pregnant by her husband, Clinton/Gore Attack Lizard James Carville.

MONROE, Louisiana -- No discussion of mental deficiency could be complete without mentioning Willie Isby, director of child welfare and attendance for the Ouachita Parish school system in what is known as Yankee Louisiana. Watchful Willie suspended an eight-year-old boy for drawing a picture of a soldier holding a knife, saying the crude sketching violated the Ouachita system's rules against potential violence. Isby is reported to be paying close attention to the Supreme Court this term. "Willie has an important job to do but it's not so important that he's going to stand by and allow himself to be executed," said an Isby associate.

DEATH MOANS, Iowa -- A law against lying in political campaigns unanimously passed the Iowa House and went to the Senate. Those convicted of lying about an opposing candidate could be sentenced to a year in jail or fined $1,500. Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton announced she would support a national law patterned on the Iowa statute, so long as it is not retroactive.

LOS ANGELES -- Jesse Jackson mistress Karin Stanford reportedly has received a secret payoff of $450,000 for a tell-all book on America's First Fool. A report in the National Enquirer says Stanford's book will be a bombshell. "Not only will it give juicy details of Jesse's sex life, but it also will reveal for the first time that the Rev. Jackson once took a real job, under an assumed name," according to a publishing industry source.

FRIENDSHIP HEIGHTS, Maryland -- Fame. Longtime Friendship Heights Mayor Alfred Muller's politically correct visage appeared in a national magazine to illustrate his alleged leadership in banning all cigarette smoking in public places in Friendship Heights. A 14-year-old boy saw sweet Alfred's picture and told cops that Alfred was the old pervert who fondled him in a public restroom. Muller, 58, blames President George W. Bush for the sexual conduct. "President Bush had a theme of 'reaching out to the children' and I followed his lead. I reached out in a restroom at Washington National Cathedral and lovingly fondled a boy and all hell broke loose," Muller maintained. Muller pleaded guilty to the fondling but said he will fight to the death over assertions that he was smoking a cigarette when it happened.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If sex with animals is outlawed, will Monica Lewinsky spend the rest of her life in a bad mood?

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