April 16, 2001 -

TEDIOUS TWISTOGRAPHY!

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They can't riot in Cincy, Denise is front and center and then there is California.

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Now, the details...

CINCINNATI -- When is a riot not a riot? When a riot is reported in the New Dork Times. The mighty Times has tediously, sometimes almost hilariously, avoided calling the African-American riots in Cincinnati what they are. The Times also has given no significant mention of the facts about the 15 black men killed by Cincinnati police since 1995. A story in the Cincinnati Enquirer reported that most of the alleged martyrs were shooting at or otherwise threatening death or major injury to police or civilians. One illustrative case involved Daniel Williams on Feb. 2, 1998. Williams flagged down Kathleen Conway's cruiser, hit her in the face, then shot her four times with a .357 magnum. Officer Conway managed to kill Williams with two shots to the head. And the Times refers to the spontaneous shopping sprees in Cincinnati as vandalism. "This is a good policy," said Mumu Mushbrane, a protest leader. "African-Americans in Cincinnati liberated Nike sneakers out of an instinct for survival. We need good Michael Jordan shoes so we can run from the evil poh-leece," he explained.

NEW YORK -- Denise Rich, consensus choice as Bimbo of the Year, is in negotiations to write a book about her side of the sale of a presidential stay-out-of-jail card for fugitive scumbucket Marc Rich, who now is a pardoned scumbucket. Clinton-watchers will remember Denise primarily for her interesting bosom and in keeping with her theme of maximizing assets, Denise's agent is Linda Chester. "Ms. Chester seemed an obvious choice, since Denise's pardons purchase negotiations were conducted with one of America's most prominent boobs, Bill Clinton," said Bustine Bigjuggs, a Denise pal.

president Clinton's brother, Roger, objected to a report that Mrs. Rich had negotiated immunity in the pardons scandal. "I didn't handle nearly the dollar volume that Denise did and I'm still a target," Roger railed, asking: "Why is the government just going after the little boobs while the big ones hang free?"

WASHINGTON -- There are many legacies of the Clinton Era. One is oral sex among kindergartners. And then there is Ruth Bader Ginsburg, appointed to the Supreme Court by the First Felon. Anyway, Justice Ginsburg says she dislikes the death penalty, because, she says, murderers with good lawyers don't get it. Rather than toss out the death penalty - as Ginsburg suggests - I have a suggestion. Why not require the prosecution and defense in, say, the next O.J. Simpson case to switch sides. If that had happened, O.J. the murderer could have been represented by a couple of bozos named Marcia Clark and Chris Darden. And the state of California could have had Johnnie Cochran Jr. Instead of "if it doesn't fit, you must acquit," even a brain-dead California jury could have heard: "He lopped off her head; he oughta be dead."

LOS ANGELES -- Sources say former President Clinton offered to assist in finding Ernie, the six-toed pussycat who once lived with President Bush and Laura. Ernie was reported missing about three weeks ago after he was given to a Los Angeles family when the Bushes feared Ernie's clawing would damage the few pieces of furniture Bill and Hillary left in the White House. "Bush turned down my offer to help. It was just as well," Clinton said, adding: "I misunderstood. I thought he needed some pointers on chasing ... never mind." Clinton said the Ernie experience had given him an idea. He has ordered plastic claw covers for Hillary.

SAN FRANCISCO -- The evil George W. Bush is ignoring the Granola State and Californians are angry as all hell. "Just because he lost California by 13 percentage points, and just because we are a gaggle of nutballs doesn't mean he should ignore us," said Deroy Dementia, president of Kalifornia Kookoos, a political action group. Dementia said Bush's failure to schedule any trips to California shows cowardice. "He has been in office for a couple of months now and has not done ONE thing to build the 20 or so nuclear-power plants we need so we can have air conditioning at our antinuclear protest rallies this summer," Dementia declaimed. "Maybe this macho Republican is afraid of the dark, or maybe he just doesn't like to sweat."

TUCSON -- Risking life, limb and his seat at the next convention of the American Medical Association, the head of a physicians group says studies on gun control are tainted by political agendas. Dr. Miguel Faria, speaking for the American Physicians and Surgeons, specifically tweaked the AMA and the American Association of Pediatrics for "playing politics" in anti-gun propaganda. The AAPS has concluded that women are not in increased danger if they own or carry guns, that access to guns does not cause crime and that gun violence is not the leading accidental cause of death in children. "Somebody should take Dr. Faria out and shoot him," said Priscilla Pacifist, a spokesthing for the AMA.

BEIJING -- In what critics called a foreign-policy blunder, the evil Bush administration turned down Jesse Jackson's offer to visit China to negotiate the release of 24 crew members of a downed U.S. Navy surveillance airplane. "This was an opportunity for Bush to show the Chinese that one of his primary detractors is a complete idiot," said Brane Detthe, a former Bush supporter. A spokesrobot for the Chinese government said negotiations for Jackson's visit broke down when American officials would not agree to pay reparations to Chinese women impregnated on his visit. "We still have not performed all the abortions necessary after Bill Clinton's trip," he/she/it said.

LEXINGTON, Virginia -- Want to see dimwits at work? Cast an eye on Virginia Military Institute, where the American Civil Liberties Union is challenging the traditional prayer offered before meals at VMI. VMI cadets are not required to bow their heads or fold their hands during the prayer offered by a student chaplain, but the ACLU wants to prey on VMI, anyway. The school superintendent, Maj. Gen. Josiah Bunting III, responded to ACLU with a politely worded letter suggesting the ACLU consider an impossible sexual act.

TORONTO -- In a move that might kill financial coverage on Canada's Naked News webcasts, a 33-year-old male investment adviser will give financial news in the nude. Lucas Tyler said a naked male can perform visuals that no woman can match. "The market is up? The market is down? Let a woman try to match me," he said, graphically.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Is it too late for Bill Clinton to pardon Naked News?

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