April 23, 2001 -

PISTOLERO PROFILING!

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Cops under fire; blacks still can't riot in Cincinnati; and there is mfuming.

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Now, the details...

CINCINNATI -- The demonic Cincinnati Police Department got support from the evil President George W. Bush last week. Cincinnati's cops are under sustained fire for killing black criminals - one of whom might not have tried to kill the Cincinnati cops first. Apologists for Cincinnati's minority of African- American felons have morphed the shooting of an apparently unarmed black, Timothy Thomas, 19, who was shot after he (again) ran from police who were trying to arrest him on 14 warrants. The officer who shot Thomas said he thought fleet-footed Timothy was reaching for a gun. "The fact that Timothy was shot and no weapon was found clearly proves that all the 14 previous African-Americans killed by cops were innocent victims - even though most of them were trying to kill cops when they died. We are outraged by this slaughter of peace-loving Cincinnati malefactors," said Dee Mentia, a spokesthing for a protest group.

However, compelling evidence surfaced that Cincinnati cops are simply doing their tough jobs correctly. That conclusion can be drawn because the mighty New Dork Times issued forth with a scathing editorial denouncing their behavior. The Times sniffed: "...police shootings and the possibility of racial profiling in street and traffic arrests have raised heightened concern about a systemic disparity in the treatment of whites and minorities by police in other states and cities." Dee Mentia said he/she/it agrees. "It is time for cops to shoot down some non-AA people in order to restore racial balance to these statistics," Mentia maundered.

Meanwhile, poisonous prosecutors in Cincy promised to pursue hate-crimes cases against anyone who engaged in racially motivated attacks during the riots that rocked the city. News videotapes captured numerous incidents in which black rioters attacked white people at random. (In one case, an albino AA woman was assaulted by a mob whose members mistook her for a white woman.) Dee Mentia deplored the possible prosecutions. "Sure, there are videotapes showing hateful behavior but we must keep in mind that the New Dork Times has yet to call the Cincinnati violence `rioting.' I ask you, are you going to believe the New Dork Times, or your lying eyes?" Dementia demanded. Meanwhile, the belly laugh of the week came from Kweisi Mfume, president of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, who said that Cincinnati was the "belly of the storm." Mfume, who was Frizzell (Pee Wee) Gray until age 23, said President Bush caused his verbal miscue. "I have been reading his speeches and somehow the mangled racist syntax just took over my mind," Mfume mfumed.

SACRAMENTO -- Forget the energy crisis. When the Granola State is in darkness this summer there will be larger things to worry about. At the fore of Californication problems of the moment is Assembly Bill 25, which awards more than a dozen marriage rights to homosexual couples. Conservatives say the gay-marriage bill proves that the California Democratic party is in the hands of gay activists, a charge denied by Lite N. Loaffers, a proponent of the bill. "The marital benefits for same-sex couples will preserve electricity and water, since gay people will be able to shower together without fear of the Marriage Nazis coming after them," Loaffers lugubriated.

WASHINGTON -- In other news of the evil Bush Administration, GWB's minions moved to enforce a Clinton-ignored law, which denies federal financial aid to college students who have drug convictions. "Just because this is a law doesn't mean it should be enforced," said Stoned Phillips, an opponent of the plan, adding: "It is clear that many key people in the Clinton administration didn't draw a sober breath for eight years and we had the most ethical administration in the history of America," Phillips preened.

JACKSON, Mississippi -- There were even larger problems of political correctitude in Mississippi, where about 65 percent of the voters chose to retain a state flag which includes the Confederate battle flag. California Gov. Gray (Blackout) Davis immediately issued a call for punitive action. "George Bush should require that Mississippi send all its electricity to California until its benighted denizens adopt a new flag," Davis declaimed.

LONDON -- Maybe this is just a case of airhead profiling. A black statue of the late Princess Diana is kicking up a furor in an English bus station because it portrays the bleach-skinned Diana as black. The snippy Brits who refused to put the "black Diana" in the Wallsall art gallery, of course, have been accused of racism. The statue is carved from granite and has white hair and white eyes. It is wearing clunky boots under its gown.

ATLANTA -- And in other airhead news, CNN founder/Fonda fondler Ted Turner said he almost blew the empty space out of his head when he lost his job and his wife. Turner once told his son "you're toast" when little Turner asked if he might have a job after CNN merged with Time Warner. "I don't understand why I don't have any friends," Turner whined, adding: "I have driven Jane Fonda to Christianity and life just sucks. If I weren't an atheist, I'd think God has it in for me."

BANGKOK, Thailand -- A mercifully unidentified 47-year-old whined to the gendarmes in a Thai village that he was sexually molested by five women who had heard his claims of extreme sexual prowess. He said the evil women, ranging in age from 20 to 47, plied him with food and liquor, then stripped him naked when he became too drunk to defend himself. "They caressed and aroused me and then took turns raping me," he said, adding: "I told them they had two months to knock it off but they didn't listen."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Is Ted Turner evidence that God punishes nutcase billionaires?

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