April 30, 2001 -

BOUNTIFUL BOOBOGRAPHY!

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They're everywhere!

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Now, the details...

LOS ANGELES -- How will the cop's warning go? Maybe, "Keep your boobs where I can see them." That from the development of the "Superbra," California underwear that supposedly allows women to keep a canister of pepper spray and a snub-nosed pistol...or more...in the brassiere. The ACLU is expected to file a lawsuit if the evil poh-leece show any indications of Mammary Profiling. "We will watch this very carefully," said Nora Nojuggs, head of the ACLU's hastily formed A-Cup Task Force. In an unrelated development, Hillary Clinton has bought a Superbra to allow her to carry a penknife for personal protection.

NEW YORK -- No discussion of boobs would be complete without mentioning Clinton Squeeze Denise Rich and Barbara Walters. Following the Clinton-approved script, BaBa Wahwah asked Denise if she had a "sexual welationship" with that President, Mr. Clinton. Denise said she did not have a "sexual relationship" with Bubba. Mrs. Rich's spokesman, Dee Cupper, revealed that Denise wore a high-necked blouse for the BaBa interview because she had hidden Clinton Attack Lizard James Carville inside her Superbra.

WASHINGTON -- Occasionally there are more boobs than keepers. Here's one for, as the politicians like to say, "the children." The Education Intelligence Agency put out a 30-page report combining information from the teacher unions, the Education Department and the Census Bureau and found that classroom teachers make up only 52 percent of the public education work force in the United States. Twelve states have more administrative boobs on the payroll than teachers.

PETROLIA, California -- There is boob humor (much of it unintended) and it's cranking up in the Granola State. The mighty New Dork Times published an Op-Ed piece from Granola intellectual Dale Maharidge, a visiting professor at Stanford, on his love affair with solar energy. Maharidge tried to wax boobeloquent about his solar power system. He says he and Old Sol make all his own electricity and store it in batteries. To which I say, "Yeh, right." (And I kill all my own meat, except for what Carole buys at the supermarket.) The premier laugh line in Maharidge's laughable paean to solar panels? Try: "Utilities argue that panels don't work at night." Sources say Maharidge is hard at work, inventing a solar-powered night light.

TOW, Texas -- Loosely glued to the tube of boobs, I watched an episode of "The Weakest Link" for the first, and last, time. I hope someone will tape the episode when one of the severed "links" decks the obnoxious Brit woman host as he/she/it is skulking away toward Link Obscurity.

LOS ANGELES -- One of the more prominent Algore boobs during the presidential campaign was actor Ben Affleck, 28, who was omnipresent for Algore, often usually pushing a get-out-the-vote message. "It's very important to vote. The president will appoint three or four Supreme Court justices." However, it seems that Affleck adhered to one of my pet theories about civic duty. That being, "If you're a complete boob and you don't know anything, please don't vote." Journalists examined every possible venue where Affleck could have voted and found he did not. Does Ben Affleck play an idiot on TV?

LAGO VISTA, Texas -- And there is the question of boobs running free. Soccer Mom Gail Atwater managed to foment disaster from the jaws of a $50 traffic ticket. Rather than accepting a $50 citation for violating the irritating Texas law requiring use of seat belts, Atwater read out the cop who stopped her in 1997. She wound up in handcuffs. She took the case to the Supreme Court, which told her last week to go to her room. The Supremes held that a cop can make a "full custodial arrest" even for a minor infraction for which the maximum penalty is a small fine. An Atwater supporter accused the Big Court of supporting "Nutcase Profiling."

HIGHLAND HEIGHTS, Kentucky -- In other boob news, Northern Kentucky University Professor Clinton Hewan told a student forum that the family of Timothy Thomas should stalk the Cincinnati cop who killed Timothy and "take him out." Hewan, a tenured associate professor of political science, 'splained that his remarks were "hypothetical" and "taken out of context." An NKU spokesthing tried to defend Hewan. "Our initial investigation has indicated that Professor Hewan's brain has been extracted and has been hidden in a Superbra worn by a pissant," said Brane Dedde, professor of Apologia.

ALBANY, New York -- Flouting New York-certified doctrines of political correctness, the Empire State's top court tossed a stupid lawsuit which sought to make gun manufacturers responsible for anything that ever happens after a gun is produced. At issue was a $4 million jury verdict that awarded $4 million to Stephen Fox, who is permanently disabled with a .25-caliber bullet to the brain. Proving that its brain impairment is more serious than Fox's, the jury apportioned the $4 million according to the "market share" of the gun trade held by three companies. Lawyers for the plaintiffs vowed to press on. "Innocent boobs will be harmed because of careless use of the Superbra and we will be there," said Crasse Axshun, a New York lawyer.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Algore really has gained 40 pounds, can he get rid of the excess by silicone removal?

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