May 7, 2001 -

BOISTEROUS BUSHBASHERY!

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GWB dissed by a reporter illiterate in at least one language; and then there is the Boob Watch.

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Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Even the hoary old Associated Press puts in an oar in reportorial bashing of President George W. Bush. GWB gave his Cinco de Mayo speech in English and then in Spanish. (Cinco de Mayo, the fifth of May, commemorates the Mexican Army's 1862 victory over the French). AP's Tom Raum wrote: "Bush, who speaks Spanish, sometimes haltingly, recorded the Spanish version of his address himself." Now Mr. Raum writes English falteringly, but not so incompetently that he doesn't know better than to insert a minor cheap shot into a supposedly objective story. Do you remember reading that John Kennedy took French lessons while in the White House and Lady Bird Johnson took Spanish lessons, as did Jimmuh Carter and his lovely wife, whatsherface? Nope, but they did. Bush arrives, already speaking Spanish no more haltingly than English, and he is dissed.

In Carter's case, speech lessons were for naught. Trying to wow Germans back in the Cold War days, Jimmuh tried a German phrase that was supposed to mean something like "I am as one with you." The Germans stared at him in disbelief because he had just said, "I want to have sex with all of you."

CHICAGO -- Jesse Jackson reacted with customary rage when President George W. Bush made a Spanish version of his weekly radio address. "This is racism," Jackson jackassed, asking: "Where is the Jesse Jackson version of the speech?" Ever eager to please, Bush plans a Jesse version of his Saturday speech, which heralded the Mexican observance known as Cinco de Mayo. Some sample lyrics: "Cinco is five and it follows foh; it's a good day to see your Ho."

The Boob Watch Continues (So many boobs, so little time...)

--In Orcutt, California, substitute teacher Dana Gibson, 43, was fired. A student had complained that her Spanish class was boring so Dana perked everything up by shedding her blouse and teaching the rest of the class in her bra. ``It didn't seem like a big deal, but maybe something's totally wrong with me,'' Dana declaimed. Maybe, Dana. Just maybe.

--In Atlanta, CNN took its cue from Dana Gibson and lauded the journalistic expertise of its latest news reader, former NYPD Blue bombshell Andrea Thompson. Andrea is a high school dropout and former nude model who dropped out of NYPD Blue to become a news star for a TV station in Albuquerque. And sources say CNN now is going after the biggest boob of all, entering serious negotiations to land Bill Clinton as host of a one-hour talk show. CNN said Andrea would often be on the Clinton set but will not be seen. "She'll be under the desk, of course," said Oral Sacks, a spokesman for the Clinton News Network. Not to stop at two laughers, CNN also is after the geriatric/pathetic Dan Rather of CBS. "Imagine a night in which Clinton and Rather had shows back-to-back," said one network insider. As for me, I'd rather enroll in Dana's Spanish class.

--Fully clothed but still a major boobery figure, Illinois Democratic Congressman Luis Gutierrez was enraged when the insensitive Navy Shore Patrol tossed him into a Puerto Rican slammer while Gutierrez protested U.S. presence on the island of Vieques. "All I did was trespass on the Navy bombing range, abuse the sailors and try to kick hell out of them," Gutierrez explained. "A Democrat can always get away with little stuff like that in Chicago. What's wrong with these people?" Gutierrez howled that he was jailed in a "dog kennel." He might have to return to Puerto Rico to enter a plea, after he gets his rabies shots.

--Some boobs wear uniforms. Take the National Park Service cop who stopped students from singing the National Anthem at the Jefferson Memorial, explaining there were more than 26 students and any vocalization constituted a "demonstration," which requires a permit. The students were winners of a nationwide patriotic essay contest and were so filled with patriotic pride at the Jefferson Memorial that they burst into the National Anthem. There is no indication as of yet that CNN is hiring the vigilant Park Service cop.

--And elsewhere in Washington, SuperBoob Sidney Blumenthal dropped his $30 million libel suit against cybergossip Matt Drudge. Sidney, a key worm for Bill and Hill, agreed to pay Drudge's attorneys $2,500 for travel expenses incurred in the boob legal action. It's likely that Sidney will be hired by CNN.

ATHENS -- Reminding us that Bill Clinton's memory remains with us, Pope John Paul II apologized for misdeeds of the Roman Catholic Church, including the "disastrous sack of the imperial city of Constantinople," and the massacre and pillaging of the heart of the Byzantine Empire, beginning in 1204. American Catholics said the Pope's apology is too old and too irrelevant. "To be hip, the Holy Father needs to apologize for Survivor, Bette Midler, California, Hillary Clinton, Don King and Weakest Link," said Dedde Hedde, a Harvard specialist in apologia.

NEW YORK -- A premier humor event of the week was an op-ed piece penned by the laughably incompetent Bill Richardson in the New Dork Times. Richardson, secretary of energy from 1998 to 2001, criticized the Bush administration for having an energy policy. "If there is one thing the Clinton years proved, it is that the country can do okay for eight years with absolutely no coherent thinking about fuel, electricity and stuff like that," Richardson said. Pleased by the reception of Richardson's article, Timesdorques announced plans for Monica Lewinsky to submit a piece on sexual morality. "After Monica, we plan to commission Janet Reno to inform our readers about heterosexuality and then O.J. Simpson will write a 500-worder on spousal abuse," said Gaye Blayde, a Times planner.

McALESTER, Oklahoma -- In yet another victory for inclusiveness and women's rights, Oklahoma administered a lethal injection to Marilyn Kay Plantz, whose lover murdered Marilyn Kay's husband to collect a $300,000 insurance policy. Marilyn Kay became only the second woman executed since Oklahoma became a state in 1907. The first, Wanda Jean Allen, got the needle in January for murdering her lesbian lover.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: What should a gynecologist think when he realizes his next patient is named Pandora.

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