May 14, 2001 -

TENDENTIOUS TENDERNESS!

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Sensitivity wins some and loses some.

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Now, the details...

CINCINNATI -- Truly sensitive people everywhere are shocked by an editing mix-up at the New Dork Times. Timesdorques inadvertently published an AP story which referred to black rioters in Cincinnati as "rioters." Horatio Himmorhoids, Vice President for Painful Sensitivity at the Times, said severe disciplinary action can be expected. "It is the position of the Times that African-Americans in Cincinnati were protesters and that what some insensitive people might have mistaken for 'rioting' was 'civil unrest,'" Himmorhoids harrumphed. Himmorhoids said he took pride in the fact that the Times has not referred to widespread looting in Cincinnati as looting. "During periods of civil unrest, African-Americans occasionally work off the frustrations of decades of oppression by engaging in spontaneous shopping activities," he explained.

In other news of shocking insensitivity, the Washington Times reported that FBI agents in Cincinnati are pursuing hate-crimes charges against black rioters who randomly attacked whites in last month's uncivil disturbances. The FBI's tepid investigation can be traced somewhat to John Ridel, who was beaten by a mob of 15 blacks who dragged him from his car. So far, only the Washington Times has done extensive reporting on the possibility of hate-crimes allegations which involved white victims. Timesdorque Himmorhoids said the Washington reports were shocking in their lack of societal sensitivity.

NEW ORLEANS -- Meanwhile, Americans of Extreme Sensitivity were reeling from a Columbia University psychiatry professor's study that indicated the gay lifestyle probably is a matter of choice, not biology. Dr. Robert Spitzer interviewed 200 former gays, some of whom were referred to him by evil religious conservatives. "This study is fraudulent," yelped Lite Lohfers of San Francisco, adding: "He talks to people who have talked to Jerry Falwell. There is zero evidence that Spitzer ever interviewed anybody in a San Francisco hot tub." The insensitive Dr. Spitzer was in hiding from sensitively submitted death threats and was not available for comment.

NEW YORK -- Sensitivity continues to reign in Manhattan, the nation's Compassion Center. The pricey Rodeph Sholom Day School on the Upper West Side sholammed the door on Mother's Day and Father's Day. VP/Sensitivity Cindi Samson explained that ignoring special observance of mothers and fathers protected the feelings of children reared by same-sex couples. Ms. Samson now must wrestle with the thorny problem of shunning African-American History Month on grounds that pupils with white parents might feel inferior.

WASHINGTON -- The president of the National Association of Bank Robbers pledged to file a class-action defamation of character lawsuit against an insensitive FBI bigwig. The threat came after the New Yorker magazine reported that FBI assistant Director Robert Bryant apparently libeled and defamed bank robbers in a conversation with Director Louis Freeh. Bryant, speaking of President Clinton, said: "Why should we brief him. He's a crook. He's no better than a bank robber." NABR President Hilton Heistt said his members are enraged. "Go to any prison and you will find that bank robbers are at the top of the social register, right up there with hired killers. To be compared with a probable rapist and perjurer who sold nuclear secrets to the Red Chinese is more than we can take. We got some pride," Heistt harrumphed.

LONDON -- Pal Tony Blair is maneuvering to get Bill Clinton an honorary knighthood. Our recommendation is that the former President be dubbed Sir Bill Jefferson Clinton, so he can correctly, if insensitively, be addressed as Sir BJ. Asked for comment, former White House Shop-Vac Monica Lewinsky said, "Huh?"

SAN FRANCISCO -- The Western Capital of Sensitivity is San Francisco, home of U.S. District Judge William H. Alsup. Judge Alsup came down like a thundercloud of tenderness on the Bush administration over the possibility that the Bushies might renege on an agreement to protect desert tortoises. The agreement called for the government to sensitively shuttle ranchers off a half-million acres of Mojave Desert to protect the tortoises from cattle which trample their little tortoise homes, eat plants and poop on the endangered creatures.

WASHINGTON -- Vice President Dick Cheney said the Bush administration will encourage widespread use of agricultural, animal and human waste to produce "environmentally friendly" energy supplies. Democrats in Congress were unanimous in their support. "We believe Cheney has unwittingly opened the door to burning Republicans in order to produce electricity for California," said Governor Gray (Blackout) Davis. Davis admitted that California has a limited supply of conservatives but called on President Bush to order Texas to share some of the ones it has. "My plan will result in a kinder, gentler, more sensitive nation," Davis declaimed.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Can simpering societal sensitivity be induced by a hemorrhoid implant, or is it a learned behavior?

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