May 21, 2001 -

BICOASTAL BISTUPIDITY!

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Picture Florida with a Stone Wall and Californians groping one another in the dark.

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Now, the details...

MIAMI -- Former Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno said she might run for governor of Florida, pledging she can do for the Land of Hanging Chads what she did for Bill Clinton. "I can envision a Florida isolated from America's woes by a Stone Wall from Alabama to Georgia," Ms. Reno simpered. "Reno's Florida can avoid embarrassment from the redneck country to the north to the sensitive dikes in the south," she said. She stressed, however, that concern for children sparks her possible candidacy. "I have a proven record in child care," she said, "I took care of a lot of the little buggers at Waco and who among you can forget the prize-winning picture of my goon sensitively and caringly training an automatic weapon on Elian Gonzalez?"

NEW YORK -- Displacing David Letterman as the funniest white man on CBS television is Dan Rather, the Texas-bred anchor who has moored CBS News to the bottom of the network-news heap. Asked by Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly if he thinks Bill Clinton is an "honest man," Rather blathered "yes" and went on from there. "...I think at the core, he's an honest person. I know that you consider it sort of astonishing anybody would say so. But I think you can be an honest person and lie about any number of things."

Rather admitted he was wrong to appear at a Democratic fund-raising event in Texas. "I'm capable of being dumb as a sack full of hammers," Rather ruefulized. The comment drew a quick reaction from Hammre Hedde, president of the National Association of Tools. "This is a slander on one of the more important items that helped make America great," Hedde harrumphed, adding: "A good hammer will work in either the right or left hand."

SACRAMENTO, California -- Displacing Jay Leno as the funniest white man in California, Gov. Gray (Blackout) Davis said the nascent George W. Bush administration is to blame for all of California's problems. "I have asked that President Bush issue an executive order requiring the sun to shine for 24 hours a day, reinvigorating our solar-energy industry," Davis said, adding: "He has refused. I have asked the President to require 20-mile-an-hour winds for all summer months in California. This would do wonders for our wind generators. He just, pardon the expression, blew me off," Davis said. Foreseeing a summer of blackouts in the Granola State, Davis called for Bush to show some indication of shared pain. "Simply as a symbolic gesture, the evil Bushies should institute rolling blackouts in Corsicana, Texas this summer," Davis said. Why Corsicana? "These East Texas rednecks call themselves the Fruitcake Capital of the World. Fair is fair," Davis said.

TOW, Texas -- In what might be deemed to be early Janet Reno-ism, it appears that abortion-rights advocates have unwittingly stumbled upon a way to make capital punishment retroactive. A study in the Quarterly Journal of Economics reported that future generations of malefactors have been weeded out by legalizing abortion. The study prompted Tricia Trimesster to form an organization to build on the crime-stopping qualities of abortion. "Today I announce the formation of Shoot Our Criminal Kids," Ms. Trimesster telegraphed, adding: "SOCK will serve as an interim measure between abortion early and Janet Reno late."

WEST PALM BEACH, Florida -- Nathaniel Brazill, 14, was found guilty of second- degree murder simply because he performed a late-term abortion on Barry Grunow, 35, his English teacher. Brazill performed the procedure with a .25- caliber handgun in the hallway of Lake Worth Middle School.

PHILADELPHIA -- The evil George W. Bush pledged his administration will return to a policy made quaint by the Clinton administration. Bush said he will mobilize federal and local prosecutors to go after people who commit gun-related crimes. Janet Reno said the Bush approach abandons the successful policies of the Clinton years. "Our approach was to talk tough about guns and to avoid prosecuting gun crimes," Reno said. Bush's announcement contained an unwitting laugh line when he said: "For every fatal shooting, there are roughly three nonfatal shootings. Folks, this is unacceptable in America. We're going to do something about it." However, Democrats said the Bushism amounted to a form of bipartisanship, since they were reminded of a remark by former Vice President Hubert Humphrey. Reacting to Squeaky Fromme's attempted assassination of President Gerald Ford, Hubert said, "There are too many people running around with guns in this country who don't know how to use them."

CHICAGO -- In what appears to be a horrible story with a happy ending, a woman strode into Chicago Police headquarters and handed over a pair of testicles. She said she bit them off a man who had sexually assaulted her. The man was found in a Chicago hospital, where he underwent unsuccessful surgery to reattach his private parts. "I view this as an opportunity for advancement," he said, adding: "I plan to announce next month as a candidate to be Governor of California."

San Francisco greeted the Chicago report with an invitation for the woman to move to California. "We the Enlightened Citizens of San Francisco recently began a program to pay for sex-change operations for city employees," said Gerome Gellding, a spokesthing for Mayor Willie Brown. "The costs of this program are significant - $37,000 for a male-to-female transmogrification and $77,000 for female-to-male," Gellding gulped. "It's obvious that this woman could significantly defray the costs of the male-to-female surgery."

WASHINGTON -- The Washington Times posed an easy question in a column. Writ the Times: "We're told an umbrella group representing hundreds of homosexual-activist organizations has applied for official U.N. status. No word yet on what the country would be called." That's easy. The answer is "California."

AIRHEAD, Alabama -- The Blonde Legal Defense Club has officially announced July 9 as National Blonde Day. Interestingly, July 9 is a Monday.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Is a homosexual horseshoer likely to have a farrier- than-thou attitude?

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