May 28, 2001 -

JARRING JUGHEAD JOGGERY!

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First, there's the man who is on cue, but doesn't have a clue.

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Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- There will always be a boob watch as long as Dan Rather draws, and expels, air. A telling look at the laborious workings of Rather's alleged mind came in a Wall Street Journal column by former CBS News correspondent Bernard Goldberg. Goldberg said Rather was furious in 1996 after the Journal published a Goldberg column about liberal bias. Goldberg said Dangerous Dan was particularly enraged that Goldberg's views had been published in the Journal, whose editorial page generally reflects conservative views. Goldberg countered by pointing out that Rather had written for the op-ed pages of the New York Times. "What do you consider the New York Times?" he asked. Rather replied: "Middle of the road." Rather could not be contacted for comment. "Dan is recovering from minor injuries," said Leftie Legume, a Rather flack. Legume said Rather was jogging in the middle of a southbound road and ran into a utility pole on the east side.

In other news from the center stripe, the New Dork Times chose Howell Raines as its new executive editor. Not known for much at all, Raines is best identified as one of the more brain dead haters of Ronald Reagan. In a 1993 book, former White House correspondent Raines wrote this of Reagan: "Reporting on President Reagan's success in making life harder for citizens who were not born rich, white, and healthy - saddened me." Raines recounted the hand wringing he did when, at 38, he came to Washington. "I attributed any twinges of unhappiness I felt in those days to bad timing and the cycles of politics. My parents raised me to admire generosity and to feel pity. I had arrived in our nation's capital during a historic ascendancy of greed and hard-heartedness." A Timesdorque said Raines is too busy to comment. "He is on his country estate, burning Bushes," the spokesthing said.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Dan Rather is an occasional Austin boob (he has a home here), while Juanita Yvette Lozano is permanent. The former office manager for George W. Bush's media adviser, Ms. Lozano ran afoul of evil prosecutors and had to plead guilty to mail fraud and perjury for stealing and mailing Bush debate preparation videotapes and text to the Algore campaign. Ms. Lozano could not be reached. "She is jogging in the middle of Dan Rather's driveway," he/she/it said.

LOS ANGELES -- Residents of the Granola State are in high dudgeon over Vice President Dick Cheney's statement that not much can be done to solve California's power problems this summer. "He's an oilman. He could drill some wells in, say, Dallas," said Knutte Kase, a California political activist. Kase urged the evil Bush/Cheney administration to build nuclear power plants in North Dakota. "Cheney is a man who only took a few months to put together a military force to crush the Iraqi army," Kase said. "He just isn't trying."

Meanwhile, back in the Dark Country, Gov. Gray Davis continues to gray out in the polls. About half of the Granola State's voters say they are not inclined, or "not at all inclined," to vote for his re-election. "Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon were both Republicans and nobody blames them when the lights go out," Davis whined. Davis pointed out that there are at least 10 conservatives in California and all have escaped criticism for the state's rolling blackouts. "First among these people is Clint Eastwood, who got his acting break on `Rawhide.' Remember the theme from Rawhide?" Davis asked. "It began with `Rolling, Rolling, Rolling...' These people can't escape most of the blame."

ITHACA, New York -- Meanwhile, former Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno reiterated that she will make a decision soon on a possible Democratic campaign for Governor of Florida. She said her health problems, which include Parkinson's disease, probably wouldn't keep her from running. "I am physically active. Dan Rather and I jog in the middle of the road whenever we're together and I'm fine," Ms. Reno reticulated.

BURLINGTON, Vermont -- Senator Switcharoo, James Jeffords, plans bold steps to follow up his transformation from Republican to alleged Independent. "Vermont is a national icon in the fight for recognition of gay marriage in particular and tolerance in general," Jeffords said, adding that he is looking into a federally funded sex-change operation. "This would be a pioneering step for Vermont and America," Jeffords said. "I plan a one-of-a-kind operation which will leave me half man, half woman," he said, adopting a neutral tone.

WASHINGTON -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Crocodiles recoiled when Bangladesh Prime Minister Sheik Hasina Wajed made what might have been a jest about improving the lot of Bangladeshis. Asked how Bangladesh intends to feed, educate, employ and house its rapidly expanding population, she cracked: "We'll send them to America." PETC president Samantha Saurian said the immigration plan would bring an immediate crisis to Bangladesh's substantial croc population. "Bangladeshis are an important part of the crocodile's diet," Saurian simpered, adding: "If America allows wholesale importation of population, it is only fair that a proportional number of crocodiles be relocated to, say, California."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Should Granola State Gov. Gray Davis be known as "Blackout," or "The Prince of Darkness?"

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