June 4, 2001 -

EXEMPLARY EXECUTIONISM!

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A Texas jury votes for the death penalty; GWB summons his airheads; and there's news of civility, diversity and all that.

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Now, the details...

AUSTIN, Texas -- History was made, kinda/sorta, in the capital of Texas last week. An Austin jury, against all odds, convicted a murderer of murder and recommended he get the death penalty - which the judge was happy to provide. Now, some of you will say that's no big deal - that Texas is deservedly famous for death penalties, but this one came out of Austin, known as either San Francisco Southwest or the People's Republic of Central Texas. Austin is the only city in America so liberal that the city pays for abortions and the death penalty is anathema to cool and "sensitive" Austin politicians. Thus the odds against an Austin jury giving a unanimous death-penalty verdict were roughly the same as, say, betting that Strom Thurmond will live longer than Tiger Woods. So what did Robert Springsteen do that 12 Austinverts thought deserving of the Cleansing Needle? Well, the jury believed his confession to taking part in the killings of four young girls in an Austin yogurt shop about 10 years ago. The jury didn't believe Robert when he said he confessed to the unspeakable crime just to get the tame Austin cops off his back, so he could go home to mama in West By-Gawd Virginia.

Austin law enforcement has gotten tough of late. Witness the heralded bust of the George W. Bush airhead twins, whose attempts at underage drinking at a Mexican restaurant resulted in a frantic 911 call. Police sources said the air in second-time offender Jenna Bush's head tested positive for stupidity while young Barbara's showed traces of the dreaded Spoiled Brat virus.

Sources said George and Laura lectured their daughters on crime and punishment at a family Come-To-Jesus meeting at Camp David. George reminded the girls that Texas carried out a record 40 executions during his administration. Jenna was unafraid. "I heard in a bar that the legislature is going to ban the death penalty for the mentally retarded," she chirped.

SAN FRANCISCO -- California Democratic Congressman Pete Stark exemplifies much about his district. A former banker, Stark is best described as being about an order of fries short of a Happy Meal. Last week, however, Stark's raving madness crossed the line for Oklahoma Republican J.C. Watts. Stark asserted during a hearing that all the Watts children were born out of wedlock and Watts, a physically apt former Oklahoma University quarterback, approached Stark with a possible intention of pushing his face in. A Stark spokesthing was shocked at Watts' reaction. "In San Francisco, there would be no big deal about having all your kids born out of wedlock," the spokesthing simpered, adding: "Actually, Pete's statement amounted to approval of Watts' masculinity. Not many of Pete's constituents ever sire children."

And in Washington, James Jeffords (I-Vermont) got protection from Capitol Hill police. Jeffords irritated a few people by abandoning the Republican Party and turning control of the Senate to Democrats. Jeffords' move apparently sparked more than a few death threats. "I hope all these security people are Democrats," Jeffords said.

And in another development on the loyalty front, Tennessee House Speaker Jimmy Naifeh asked Rep. Henri Brooks to stand outside the House chamber if she didn't want to recite the pledge of allegiance. Rep. Brooks, a Democrat, said she has not recited the pledge since the third grade because she views it as honoring a flag which pays obeisance to a nation of former slave owners. Other sources said, however, that Ms. Brooks gave up on the pledge because she couldn't remember the words.

BOSTON -- In Massachusetts, nothing is more likely than the prospect of yet another Kennedy running for office. The likely suspect this time is Matthew Maxwell (Mad Max) Kennedy, 36, who melds the speech skills of an orangutan into a Kennedy visage. Even Uncle Teddy suspects Mad Max might well stay out of politics. "There is a high likelihood that Senator Kennedy has some illegitimate children in Massachusetts who might well step forward and claim the congressional seat of old Joe Moakley," said Cingul Parrent, a Kennedy researcher on Family Values.

GARFIELD BAY, Idaho -- Former Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno's putative campaign for governor of Florida got a boost over the weekend when five rebellious Idaho children surrendered to state custody. Idaho cops said the children assertedly had guns and menaced sheriff's deputies with a pack of vicious dogs. "It looked grim until we told the kids that we were at our wit's end and were turning their case over to Ms. Reno," said Ester Mole, who coordinated search and destroy missions in the Reno FBI.

ATLANTA -- There was bad news for diversity. A study by the Centers for Disease Control reported that the annual "infection rate" has reached 14.7 percent among young black homosexuals. CDC says 2.5 percent of white homosexual men and 3.5 percent of Hispanics contract the virus every year. Rev. Al Sharpton pledged to file a lawsuit against the AIDS virus. "If this isn't racial profiling, I don't know what is," Sharpton keened.

CORDOVA, Alaska -- Buried in a New Dork Times story about the new Alaska oil boom was a sociological nugget that tells chapters about the boom of the mid- 1970s. Oil revenues to Alaska finance virtually the entire state budget, but that's not all. Last year the annual "oil dividend" check that every Alaskan gets hit an all-time high of $1,963.86.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Should Bill Clinton be buried in an upright position? (We know he will continue spinning from the grave.)

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