June 11, 2001 -

BUMPTIOUS BRAINDEAD BARRISTERISM!

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The Supreme Court goes to the nut of the question.

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Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- The U.S. Supreme Court is expected to launch into even more historic changes in decisions building on its decision to allow pro golfer Casey Martin to ride in a golf cart on the PGA tour. "For too long, blind people have been excluded from shooting events simply because of their visual impairment," said Knutte Bahl, a lawyer who specializes in zany enforcement of the Americans with Disabilities Act. Bahl said he will immediately petition the court to reserve a spot on the Olympics Shooting team for Stevie Wonder. "My only regret is that the Supreme Court moved too slowly for Helen Keller," Bahl bawled.

SACRAMENTO, California -- Gov. Gray (Blackout) Davis blamed the evil George W. Bush administration because computer hackers tried to disrupt California's already disrupted electricity supply. "We know that President Bush is computer literate - indeed capable of sending e-mail," Davis said, adding, "There is every reason to suspect he and his minions were trying to hack the California power grid in order to plunge our beloved Granola State into darkness."

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- In another signal victory for assertedly disabled Americans, the Supreme Court overturned the death sentence of Johnny Paul Penry. Johnny Paul supposedly has been reading comic books on Texas Death Row for about 20 years for the rape and slaughter of Pamela Moseley Carpenter, 22. The court's decision was unexpectedly narrow, holding only that the jurors in Penry's case didn't get good instructions on how they should consider his mental capabilities. "We call on the Supreme Court to expand its decision. There are hundreds of death row inmates who are now reading comic books and drooling to try to establish retardation and it is cruel and unusual punishment for the Supreme Court to deny them the right to live normal lives," said Rowanda Retahrd, head of Dummies Against Death.

Meanwhile, the smart money in the Texas Prison System is giving heavy odds that Johnny Paul will now set aside his comic books and subscribe to "Hustler" magazine. Sources said Penry ordered new crayons so he can write fan mail to O.J. Simpson.

LONDON -- Flatulent Brits voided store shelves of Beano after an announcement that British police are sniffing the trail of a cop who broke wind in a London home during a drug raid - and failed to apologize. A Scotland Yard spokesman confirmed that the Department of Professional Standards is investigating a charge of "incivility." Gerome Gassbagg, a lawyer for the police officer, said his client is a dedicated fan of the writings of Chaucer and simply "let fly a fart." He added: "I believe this, too, shall pass."

AUSTIN, Texas -- The Presidential airheads, Jenna and Barbara, filed their pleas to charges they committed stupid teen-aged behavior by trying to drink adult beverages in an Austin Mexican-food restaurant. "We are exploring a defense based on the Americans with Disabilities Act," said Veronica Vacuum, counselor to the Bush children. "We believe the Supreme Court will hold that the twins suffer from Excess Cranial Oxygenation Syndrome and their behavior is protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act," Veronica said.

Meanwhile, Mia Lawrence, manager of the now infamous Chuy's Restaurant, scene of the crime, reportedly is forming an organization to promote capital punishment for the parents of twin teenagers who try to purchase alcoholic beverages. A Chuy's spokesthing said Ms. Lawrence was cleaning the left side of the restaurant and was not available for comment. "Mia has her cell phone and is considering applying for a concealed-weapons permit. If she spots the evil Bush girls again she will again dial 911, at minimum," he/she/it said. "They have to be stopped -- whatever it takes."

BOISE, Idaho -- Lawyers for besieged FBI sharpshooter Lon Horiuchi plan to use the Johnny Paul Penry defense if Idaho follows through on its threat to prosecute Horiuchi for shooting white separatist Vicki Weaver during the 1992 siege at Ruby Ridge. "We will demonstrate to the U. S. Supreme Court that Lon was reading comic books when he shot Mrs. Weaver and was not responsible for his actions," said Skum Baggerly of Boise.

WASHINGTON -- In other news of strange fellowship, PBS "News Hour" host Jim Lehrer whined that Algore was a pain in the keister for violating the rules of three televised debates with George W. Bush. Lehrer, of course, didn't specifically say he meant Algore when he wrote "...there was a candidate who did not abide by the rules." Denison D. Dissrupt, president of Rude Americans, Inc., said he is considering filing a Supreme Court case to force Lehrer to identify Algore publicly. "There are many Americans afflicted by Prickly Anus Syndrome and they deserve to know that the man who almost became president of the United States is one with them," Dissrupt declaimed.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If there is a thin line between love and hate, will the Supreme Court demand it be widened - for the visually impaired?

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