June 18, 2001 -

GNAWING GERIATRICITY!

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Margaret has a bite. And there's the successor to Bill,

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and more. Now, the details...

TALLAHASSEE, Florida -- Animal-rights nutballs are expected to converge on the home of Margaret Hargrove, 73, to protest Margaret's cruelty to a pit bulldog. The evil Margaret stopped a pit bulldog from decapitating a Scottish terrier by biting hell out of the bulldog. The pit let go of the Scottie on first bite and bared her teeth, prompting Margaret to bite her again. "We could overlook Ms. Hargrove's first bite, which was in defense of the Scottie, but there was no reason for her to bite the dog a second time," said Wolff Fondlur, head of the local PETA chapter. Meanwhile, Margaret is reported swamped by calls to appear in a Fox network special (tentatively titled "When Margaret Attacks") and calls from senior citizens wanting the name of her dentist.

MODESTO, California -- The quest might be near an end. Democrats have fretted for months over the nettlesome issue of a worthy successor to Scumbucket-In-Chief Bill Clinton. Dennison D. Detritus, head of a special search committee, waxed eloquent over the issue. "It's difficult to find a man who has the stones to issue statements in the Clinton tradition. Remember the genius of one of the early denials about Paula Jones? Where Bill said he `never was alone in a hotel with Paula Jones'? I can announce today that our new man just might be Gary Condit, a California congressman," Detritus declaimed. "Gary might have it all. There's a young, reasonably attractive intern, Shandra Levy, who gives Gary the chance to issue a statement that he did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Levy. Even better, she's missing. No pictures of Gary hugging her while she wears a stupid black beret," he said.

Ted Kennedy, the Massachusetts White Whale, said he was somewhat disappointed by Condit's apparent rise to the top of the scum bucket. "What about me?" he asked. "I could lose a little weight and take a couple of nighttime drives in Chappaquiddick," a spokesthing quoted Kennedy as saying. The spokesfink said Kennedy bears no personal animus for Condit but believes Condit's record is too spotty to allow him to wear the mantle of chief scum.

Washington cops are reported puzzled over reports that Condit answered cryptically when he was asked if he knew Shandra Levy. "He said, 'only in the Biblical sense.'"

NEW YORK -- The mighty New Dork Times reached a benchmark of mindless advocacy in a Sunday story asserting that Americans are "now rethinking and debating" capital punishment. Timesdorque Laurie Goodstein wrote, breathlessly: "Interviews in six states this week reflect the poll numbers, which show that while there is still a majority in favor of the death penalty, the size of the majority is shrinking." Lugubrious Laurie never shares the "poll numbers," of course, but is virtually orgasmic over her interpretation of them. In point of fact, Laurie, most Americans must still support the death penalty for heinous crimes. If they don't, why didn't we see massive protests against killing mass killer Timothy McVeigh?

Ms. Goodstein quotes a few people in her peroration. My favorite quotation came from Lang Dunbar, described as "a job trainer for welfare recipients in Cleveland," which presumably means he trains about half of Cleveland. Lang said he was embarrassed to be a citizen of a country that still has the death penalty. We have an old Texas saying that covers Lang and his fellows. It goes: "Don't let the door hit you in the ass when you leave."

TOW, Texas -- It's seldom that I hear a description/depiction that is totally new to me. So it took me a few seconds to decipher the remark of one of our guests at the fabled Cottonwood Cove Resort this weekend that his sweet but flaky wife is "lunchy." One might say I was out to lunch over the meaning, but I came back when my elevator finally made it all the way to the top.

WASHINGTON -- The Washington Post, delving into the market for humorous writing/reporting, says Democrats plan "to mount a sustained effort to attack the ethics" of people associated with the Bush administration. The plan began with an idea of holding hearings into the financial dealings of the Bushites and quickly spread. "We'll take a close look at the twins, Jenna and Barbara. The comparison is in our favor. Monica Lewinsky NEVER put anything alcoholic in her mouth," Clinton-era Attack Lizard James Carville said. Carville said Democrats will trot out Algore, who will charge that Republican shenanigans ignore the fact that there indeed is a controlling legal authority. "And we plan to save Janet (Stonewall) Reno for the big finish," he said. "Janet will make the point that the evil Bushies might be ignoring some laws. Under the Reno Justice Department, Janet didn't discriminate. She ignored most of the laws."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Noodling through the Dish Network menu, I noticed a program titled "Once Upon a Hamster." Am I correct in assuming this is a biography of Hollywood kinkster Richard Gere?

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