June 25, 2001 -

HIDEOUS HIDING!

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Democrats can't find a cop, even when they don't want one. Republican women aren't missed or missing, and Clarence Thomas disappears.

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Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- The evil Bush Administration has brought a new law-and-order crisis to the nation's capital. The District of Columbia's multifarious police stations have all gone underground. One victim of the Bush plot has been California Democratic Congressman Gary Condit, who was unable to find a police station to discuss the case of missing intern Chandra Levy, 24, described by Condit, 53, as a good friend. Condit has hired a criminal defense lawyer and sources said his lawyer finally arranged a Saturday interview with District cops about Condit's relationship with Ms. Levy, who has been missing for two months. "The interview was so secret that the police report it was at an undisclosed location. I don't think Gary could find the place again," said a Condit clone. Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle plans hearings to establish what Bush and Attorney General John Ashcroft have done to remove all police presence from Condit's grasp.

"Back when Janet Reno and Bill Clinton were in charge, police officers were readily evident. Democrats under suspicion of any wrongdoing could simply go to the first stone wall and turn left and things got taken care of," Daschle declaimed. Meanwhile, the media phenomenon of "appearance creep" grew more evident in the strange case of Ms. Levy. Initially described as a "young intern," Ms. Levy has become "an attractive young intern" and now is generally referred to as a "beautiful young woman." The situation disturbs Priscilla Pulchritude, an appearance consultant. "We have to solve this disappearance before every news operation in America begins to demand closure in the case of the `Missing Miss Universe,'" Priscilla proclaimed.

In Sacramento, California Gov. Gray Davis said the Levy disappearance is suspicious. "This electrifying young Democrat vanished like a California kilowatt just as the time the rapacious price-gougers in the Bush Administration began demanding that Californians began paying for electricity," Davis said. Davis said he finds it a strange coincidence that President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney both have young daughters, none of whom has been reported missing. Vermont Sen. Patrick Leahy said he might convene a Judiciary Committee investigation into the non-disappearances of the Bush and Cheney women.

HAVANA -- There's good news and bad news from Havana. The good news is that Fidel Castro fainted during a televised speech before tens of thousands of his conscripted faithful subjects on Saturday. The bad news is that aides hefted the old Commie from the stage, helped revive him and he returned to babble on. "We in the Congressional Black Caucus are heartened to know that Comrade Fidel listed to the left when he began to collapse," said Maxine Waters of California. "If he had fallen the other way we would have known the right-wing zealots of the Bush administration had done something evil."

Seeking parity, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer came close to collapse while delivering the commencement speech for his old high school at Katonah, New York. President Bush said he prefers that Fleischer not collapse in public but was happy to know that Fleischer collapsed downward - with no indication of a bias to the left or right. "We are working to do everything in the spirit of bipartisanship," Bush said. Vermont Sen. James Jeffords, I-Turncoat, disputed Bush's assessment. "I saw it as a definite fall to starboard," Jeffords said.

NEW YORK -- Ebony magazine charged that racist conservatives cloaked Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas from view, causing Ebony to omit Thomas from its list of the 100 most influential black Americans in 2001. "It's possible that the evil Bushies put Justice Thomas in a Washington, D.C. police station, thus keeping us from knowing he exists," an Ebonehead explained. He/she/it said Oprah Winfrey will be asked to investigate.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Few publications can match the Austin American-Statesman for unintended humor. Witness the note at the end of an op-ed commentary by columnist William Raspberry, who was writing columns when the average American-Statesman employee was simply a gay baby, hoping for adoption by an enlightened non-gender-specific couple. The note: "Raspberry writes for the Washington Post. You may contact her at willrasp@washpost.com."

LOS ANGELES -- American newspaper editors are expected to convene an investigation into the reported activities of Phil Brownstein, executive editor of the San Francisco Chronicle. "There have been disquieting stories, some from actress Sharon Stone, that Phil used his own two hands to pry open the jaws of a 7-foot-long Komodo Dragon which latched onto his foot at the Los Angeles Zoo," said Sidney S. Sensitivity, spokesthing for the American Society of Newspaper Editors. "If true, this is a serious ethical breach for a modern newspaper editor. The proper action for Phil to have taken would be to convene a committee on Komodo Dragon bites and to commission a reportorial task force to look into possible abuse of lizards," Sidney smoothed, adding: "The days of the old `hands-on' editor are part of the racist and insensitive past and Brownstein should know that."

Meanwhile, the California Association for the Protection of Komodo Dragons demanded that the lizard, named Komo, be tested for the AIDS virus. "I don't care if Brownstein is married to Sharon Stone. He's the editor of a San Francisco newspaper and all precautions should be taken to protect Komo," the association said.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Fidel falls in the forest, will the average Cuban be better off?

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