July 2, 2001 -

ASSIDUOUS AGRIKINKITUDE!

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USDA is looking for one; there's news from the back of a milk carton.

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And more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- It appears that the Department of Agriculture wants to interview a few good kinks for a job as gay and lesbian program specialist. Pay can be up to $97,108 a year for the proper pervert who can "address internal workplace issues for gays and lesbians." The program presumably will spread outside the USDA and wind up down to the farm, with seminars on growing gay fruits and nuts and programs at agriculture centers aimed at developing herds of homosexual cattle. And then there is the flower industry. Does USDA regulate pansies?

One possible applicant for the USDA job would be David Brock, the confused and confusing Washington thingie who once wrote about Bill Clinton's sexual peccadilloes and also penned "The Real Anita Hill." Brock, once a homosexual decloseted conservative, is now an out-of-the-closet gay lefty. He says everything he once said in his right-wing incarnation was a lie, but he now will tell the truth in a book attacking conservatives. If the USDA wants a truly queer duck, Brock's the guy.

LOS ANGELES -- Further cementing their claim as the Brain Death Capital of the Nation, more than five out of six Californians expressed belief that California's electricity crisis was caused by something other than California. "We believe a proper investigation by the USDA will prove that the alleged power crisis has been fomented by foreign agriculture interests who want to thwart California's primacy as the world's premier producer of fruits and nuts," said Percival P. Puhrvurt, head of a citizen's group known as Kinks for Kilowatts.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Following in the footsteps of the evil George W. Bush, Texas Gov. Rick Perry vetoed legislation that would have banned the execution of the mentally retarded. Perry explained that Texas juries are intelligent enough to decide whether, say, a mass murderer/rapist drools sufficiently to have a shot at killing/raping again. Perry's veto reflects Texas sentiment but brought outrage from tourism officials. "We were planning a big campaign to get Californians to visit Texas this summer," said Bigg Buxx, a Houston travel agent. "Now everybody in California tells us they won't visit Texas out of fear they might be summarily executed," he said.

MODESTO, California -- Becoming prying and intrusive, FBI agents are making feeble attempts to interview the wife of Congressman Gary Condit to see what, if anything, she might know about the disappearance of Chandra Ann Levy, a 24- year-old intern who apparently had a close personal relationship with Mr. Condit. Condit has used his congressional staff to try to fend off investigators. "I'm certain Mrs. Condit doesn't know anything and I'm not even certain the Congressman knows Mrs. Condit," said Tayle Twisthur, a Conditpologist, adding: "I'll ask him to take a look at her picture the next time he buys a carton of milk."

WASHINGTON -- No discussion mentioning retards or retardation would be complete without a Clinton story. Ours this week involves Your Former President, Bill, and his half-brother, Roger. Roger found his fame by being Bill's relative and his fortune by convincing assorted miscreants that he might be able to use his influence with Bill for possible presidential pardons. As usually happened to people trying to deal with the Clinton mob, everybody got taken except the Clintons. There is little evidence so far that all the money Roger got did any good for a bad guy who wanted to roam free to join Bill, Hill and Roger in manipulating the free-enterprise system.

Evil Congressional investigators have gone so far as to wonder if Draft-Dodger brother Roger should explain how he obtained $250,000 in traveler's checks, most of which were issued by banks in Taiwan and Venezuela. A spokesman for the Clinton Organized Pardon Family said Roger needed the traveler's checks so he could travel. "If he traveled, possibly people would believe he wasn't using his influence to try to get Bill to pardon people."

NEW YORK -- The Doctrine of Unintended Consequences seldom works for the better, but did in the flappola over ABC correspondent John Stoessel's special on the environment. Envirowacks who hate Stoessel's reporting whipped up a controversy over interviewing children for the special report, "Tampering With Nature," and propelled it past "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" in Friday night's ratings. The Stoessel program indicated that schoolchildren are being brainwashed with garbage about the environment.

KENDLETON, Texas -- One of the more disgusting sides of small-town America crashed into bankruptcy in Kendleton, once a speed trap on U.S. Highway 59. Kendleton used its speed limit to turn big bucks, despite a Texas law that allows small towns to keep only a limited amount of revenue from speeding tickets. Mayor Carolyn Jones said Kendleton had to file for federal bankruptcy protection after the state seized $18,599 - the city's total cash in the bank. Texas is still looking for $1.7 million from Kendleton. It appears likely that some city bigwigs hit the road with the money. We only hope they got a ticket on the way out.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If the lights go out in California, will there be anybody bright enough to notice?

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