July 9, 2001 -

CLAMORING CONDITOGRAPHY!

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Gary, so to speak, comes clean. Sex moves everything to port

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and more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- To the shock and surprise of Democrats everywhere, Democratic Congressman Gary Condit admitted he had sexual relations with that woman, Chandra Levy. Sources close to Condit said he had been stonewalling on the sexual revelation out of chivalry. "Gary doesn't know where Chandra is and he wanted to make certain she had plenty of time to take her blue dress to the dry cleaners," said a Conditpologist.

Meanwhile, the Condit affair threatened to change the complexion of Congress. Most initial media reports on Condit failed to mention his party affiliation but as the mystery deepened Condit became identified as a "right-wing Democrat." Tayle Twisstuhr, an ABC News producer, explained: "Everybody knows that left-wing Democrats are moral, sensitive and caring while conservatives are evil, rapacious and commit unspeakable acts on small animals." Sen. Ted Kennedy is reported to be hard at work on a book, "The Conscience of a Conservative: A Swimmer's Guide to Politics."

NEW YORK -- Meanwhile, Algore daughter Karenna lashes evil conservatives in the upcoming edition of "Glamour." Title of the peroration is "The Guide to Not Getting Bush-Whacked." The Algorerithm writes that Bush threatens "reproductive rights" and cites gun control as the greatest cause in America nowadays. Karenna, technically Karenna Gore Schiff, leaves little doubt that she believes Chandra Levy was victimized by a National Rifle Association member who nabbed her as a hostage after blowing up an abortion clinic with a device tossed from the rear window of a chauffeur-driven limousine bearing Bush-Cheney bumper stickers.

SEATTLE -- Omari Tahir-Garrett, whose mama named him James C. Garrett, was jailed for felony assault by evil racist cops after he whacked Seattle Mayor Paul Schell in the eye with a megaphone. Omari associates said the charges will be countered with the "Hereford defense." Asked to explain, he said Omari was near the mayor in "an ocean of white faces" and "he just snapped." Garrett's reason for being near the mayor was to protest the gunshot death of a black man stopped for erratic driving. The man, a convicted felon being sought on an arrest warrant, grabbed the arm of a police officer and tried to drive away, with the cop hanging from the car door.

SAN DIEGO -- Californians queued up in dark courtrooms to protest evil cameras that automatically produce traffic tickets for California drivers who run red lights. "Everybody knows there is no electricity in California, so how the hell are we expected to believe these pictures are real," said Phlashing Yelo, a protester. It is anticipated that 80 percent of Californians will tell opinion pollsters soon that fear of the malevolent Bush administration is the root cause of red-light running.

MALIBU, California -- Alleged comedian Paula Poundstone continued to move to the political right after allegations that she committed lewd acts on one of her adopted children and endangered four other little 'uns. "I never knew until now that Paula was a right-wing extremist," Karenna Gore Schiff sniffed. Democrats believe the Poundstone case can be explained by the fact that the right-tilting Clint Eastwood once was mayor of Malibu.

WASHINGTON -- Also tilting to the right was the National Education Association, whose leaders deferred action on a resolution that would encourage schools to develop materials supporting homosexual students and staff. "We just don't believe the time is right to make an all-out push for Gay Kindergartens," said Mixt Tupp, a NEA homosexual-rights specialist.

NEW ORLEANS -- President George W. Bush turned down the NAACP's kind invitation to speak at its annual convention, leaving the group hustling to rejigger its schedule. NAACP President Kweisi Mfume's invitation to Bush indicated a time limit of 30 minutes on any presidential address. "We are very limited in time, so we would like for you to speak for one minute and remain at the podium for 29 minutes of rioting, demonstrations and insulting remarks," Mfume mfumed.

MINNEAPOLIS -- Seeking to shed one bond of evil conservatism that has marred her life, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor questioned the fairness of the death penalty and said she believes it's possible that innocent people have been executed. Justice O'Connor didn't touch on the provable fact that many innocent people have lost their lives to murderers who beat death-penalty convictions and roamed free to kill again.

TOW, Texas -- We get some strange people, occasionally, at the fabled Cottonwood Cove Resort. One woman visitor this summer was so dense 'tween the ears that she was the second-dullest occupant of her cabin, just behind her Dalmatian.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Would a gay kindergarten be a happy kindergarten?

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