July 16, 2001 -

PERISHING POODLEOGRAPHY!

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California gets tough on a killer; there's Gary. And Bill.

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And more. Now, the details...

SAN JOSE -- Ah, California. It's the magical land where O.J. Simpson could slice and dice two people and walk free. It's the place where the Menendez brothers could murder their parents - then get sympathy because they were orphans. But Andrew Burnett, 27, found out that the tide might be turning. The courtroom of San Jose Judge Kevin Murphy erupted in applause when Murphy dropped the hammer on Burnett for tossing a fluffy dog to its death when the dog's owner bumped his vehicle from behind. Simpson feels Burnett's mistake was tactical. "He should have cut the dog's head off and then sliced up the other driver," Simpson said. Burnett was sentenced to three years in jail.

WASHINGTON -- The paid liar for Rep. Gary Condit says his client cleared himself by answering all the important questions in the case of missing intern Chandra Levy. Condit professional prevaricator Abbe Lowell said his client's private polygraph exam makes it clear Condit is downright saintly. "The test was graded by O.J. Simpson, with cross-checking by Bill and Hillary Clinton," said a source in Lowell's law office. Lowell said it's time for the news media to home in on important questions. "Someone needs to check and find out if possibly Ms. Levy was mistaken for a standard poodle and tossed onto a busy freeway?" he said.

MODESTO, California -- In typical California style, there was some rib-splitting humor from the Chandra Levy/Gary Condit brouhaha. That came when four people who work in Rep. Gary Condit's Modesto office pronounced they will sue a pair of radio loudmouths, saying the "shock jocks" humiliated them with abusive remarks. "I was so angry that I wanted to take the radio guys and throw them into traffic. But I didn't want to risk serving maybe a year in jail," said Poo Duhl, a Condit volunteer. The paid Conditpologists said they want the DA to file criminal charges in the case.

HOT SPRINGS, Arkansas -- Grand plans are under way for Camp Scumbucket - Bill Clinton's presidency-in-exile spot near the Clinton Lie Brary in Little Rock. Clintonologists say Camp Scumbucket closely follows the general design of the presidential retreat at Camp David, with a few uniquely Clintonesque twists. Secret plans call for an Intern Rehabilitation Area where Bill and Hillary's spin team will correct the thinking of Clinton interns who suspect they might have had sexual relations with the former President. A small private missile range will be hidden on the property to allow Clinton to send missiles into Mena, Arkansas if he happens to be indicted and needs to create a diversion. A smaller area, Insomnia Island, will be devoted to worshipping Hillary Clinton. "It will be tastefully located near a short dike for a nearby lake," said a Clintonista.

WASHINGTON -- President Bush's job approval rating improved to 57 percent, as measured by a CNN-USA Today-Gallup poll. His personal approval rating was 70 percent - up from 60 percent in January. Bush aides are conflicted over possibilities for boosting his approval numbers even more. "One group wants the President to drive off a bridge at Chappaquiddick in the company of a young woman so he can achieve the same level of approval Massachusetts voters give to Ted Kennedy," said a Bush insider. Another clique proposes that Bush undergo oral sex from an African-American intern in the Oval Office. "This might do wonders for Dubya's standing with African-Americans, who are angry at Democrats because all recent sex scandals involve Anglo interns," the source said.

WASHINGTON -- What's the new Marine Corps slogan? Maybe, "we're looking for a few good wimps." That comes after the Marine Corps Southern Command canceled a weekly all-hands jog after a woman officer complained it was "demeaning." The horror of the 30-minute exercise is only now becoming public. It seems that slow runners were subjected to ridicule from those who can run faster. A Pentagon brass hat said punishment will be swift. "If we find the people who made fun of slow people, we plan to dispatch them on temporary duty to Congressman Condit, so they can find out what ridicule is all about," said Pahm Puhs, a Pentagon spokesman.

PARIS -- After only 24 years, brave French jurists ordered Philadelphia killer Ira Einhorn extradited to the United States for the 1977 murder of Holly Maddux, his girlfriend. Miss Maddux's body was found in a trunk in Einhorn's apartment - about 18 months after the murder. Einhorn, convicted in absentia after he fled to the friendly arms of France, said he was set up because he was against the Vietnam War. "It's unfortunate, but the French court looked at Ira's long hair, decided he might be a poodle and decided to throw him into the rush-hour traffic of the murderous American court machinery," said a lawyer for Einhorn.

BERKELEY, California -- Kelly Bulkeley, who teaches at the Graduate Theological Union in Berkeley, says he has established that Republicans are nearly three times as likely as Democrats to have nightmares when they dream. Bulkeley purports to find mystery here, even though the answer is simple. Republicans dream about Democrats and Democrats dream about interns.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If a poodle falls in a California forest, is it a case of redwood rage?

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