July 23, 2001 -

HEROIC HYPERSENSITIVITY!

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Cincinnati is hot; Arkansas loses an icon...

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and more. Now, the details...

CINCINNATI -- Those hypersensitive Cincinnati cops are upset simply because they can't stop or question an African-American without winding up in court or mired in departmental disciplinary proceedings. The result is a continuing crime wave that has resulted in 77 people shot in 59 incidents since the race riots of April. Gnutte Balle, a protester against poh-leece brutality, said Cincinnati needs to develop a better quality of cop. "The brutes now on the force can't take a little joke -- like when an African-American playfully points a 9 millimeter their way. They don't understand that brandishing pistols and other weapons is part of the community ethos," Balle said. Balle said cops often mistake minority aerobics for fleeing arrest. "Many of our people wouldn't get any heart-healthy exercise at all if it wasn't for running from the cops," Balle bawled, his arm in a sling from repetitive-stress injuries caused by cops frequently causing him to reach for his Ruger pistol.

SPRINGDALE, Arkansas -- The historically low median morality quotient of Arkansas literature moved up a notch when James Howard Hatfield overdosed on prescription drugs at the age of 43. Hatfield made up "Fortunate Son: George W. Bush and the Making of an American President." The alleged biography of Bush the Younger asserted that GWB covered up a cocaine arrest. Hatfield, an ex-con, lied about his criminal past and was exposed as a fraud. "The suicide of Jim Hatfield leaves Bill and Hillary alone among Arkansas fictionalists," said one Hatfield fan. "They join us in mourning his passing."

NEW YORK -- CBS News leaped headlong into the Chandra Levy story - only a few months after it became a chief topic of chatter in America. CBS Anchorbubblehead Dan Rather said he should be praised for his restraint in airing the story. "We don't have unlimited resources at CBS and we utilized the time others were wasting on the Levy disappearance to check out reports that Newt Gingrich framed Congressman Gary Condit in a plot funded by the Republican National Committee," said Dan Dither, a Ratherologist./p>

WASHINGTON -- The House gave the go-ahead to legislation that could expand government financing of the social work of religious charities. The religion- based initiative is a cornerstone of President Bush's philosophy of compassionate conservatism. Sources said California Democratic Congressman Gary Condit and other Democrats support the legislation in the hope that it might bring more federal funding for the ever-popular missionary position.

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida -- Proving that female serial killers can be superior to the male variety, murderer Aileen Wuornos said: "I am a serial killer. I would kill again." Wuornos appeared in court and won the right to fire her lawyers and put her execution on a fast track. A prostitute, Aileen preyed mostly on horny truckers. She killed seven men, generally making the kill shot after one bullet to the genitals. An earlier Wuornos claim that she had been to bed with 250,000 men in her sexual career brought an invitation to become an intern in the Clinton White House.

WASHINGTON -- Getting a tad ahead of herself, former Second Liar Hillary Rodham Clinton committed a verbal miscue to a question about possible presidential ambitions. "I'm having a great time being pres..." she said. She quickly corrected and said "...being a senator from New York." Hillary has said she will not run for president in 2004 but hasn't completely closed the door on the subject. "Her husband evaded the draft, but there is a possibility Hillary might accept one," said a Clintonologist.

SEATTLE -- GreaterGood.com, a do-gooder Internet company that operated Web sites to fight world hunger and rain-forest depredation, shut down after its no-gooder investors declined to do any more good. The company closed after its board declined to pour more money into "The Hunger Site" and the "Rain Forest Site." Lehft Wihnger, a fan of the sites, said it is deplorable there were not more GreaterGooders at GreaterGood.com. Wihnger said he would have organized riots at GreaterGood.com headquarters but he was busy throwing fire extinguishers at riot police at the G-8 summit in Genoa, Italy.

SACRAMENTO, California -- Both of Gary Condit's children are aides to California Gov. Gray (Blackout) Davis, thus bringing up the question as to whether the old man is the only one in the family who knows how to create an electrifying relationship.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Aileen Wuornos indeed bedded 250,000 men, is it possible she could be a character witness for Gary Condit?

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