July 30, 2001 -

HABITAT FOR HUMOR!

---

Jimmuh gives Dubya a boost; we might soon know if Condit is guilty of something,

---

and more. Now, the details...

ATLANTA -- There was little heartening news for President George W. Bush during the week, other than the fact that former President Jimmuh Carter pronounced himself "disappointed" in Bush. Jimmuh, the premier presidential fool for several generations, noticed that Bush is conservative and said, "I have been disappointed in almost everything he has done." Some wishy-washy members of Bush's administration convened a secret meeting. "We can't afford to lose ALL the idiots and Jimmuh is their point man," said Bush aide Diss Semblur. Semblur said the Carter support probably could be salvaged if Bush can get the prime interest rate to 20 percent, foment long lines at gasoline stations and manage to humiliate the United States in foreign policy.

Semblur said Bush, however, is resisting change. "He even turned down a photo-op that would have put him in a canoe on his Crawford ranch while being besieged by an attack rabbit," Semblur trembled, adding: "I don't think he really wants to make a serious effort to get the blockhead bloc."

WASHINGTON -- Walking on the edge, Rep. Scott McInnis, Colorado Republican, said Gary Condit should resign from Congress and even proposed a rules change making it a violation to do a good intern daily. The secret Kongressional Kink Kaucus met quickly to discuss support for the McInnis rules change. "We would like to see all heterosexual sex done away with," said an aide to Massachusetts Democrat Barney Frank. Former President Bill said he doesn't believe the rule would affect his wife, Senator Hillary. "I've never met an intern with such bad taste that he or she would do Hillary," he said.

Also swimming against the tide is the Dulles Chapter of the National Organization for Women. The Dulles NOW chapter finds it rather queer that the feminist chorus went into attack howl when Republican Sen. Bob Packwood planted unsolicited smooches on a few women but has been quiet in both the Clinton and Condit cases. A spokesthing for NOW headquarters explained. "Everybody in the feminist movement knows that Republicans are evil rapists and plunderers while Democrats show their love for women in traditional, if disgusting ways," said Karla Kinque of NOW. Ms. Kinque said the position by the Dulles NOW chapter probably can be explained because "it was that time of the month."

NEW YORK -- The irreplaceable and irreverent columnist Ann Coulter says there is no way yet to know whether Gary Condit is guilty of anything in the Chandra Levy case. Ms. Coulter says Condit's guilt, if any, will be established if lawyer Alan Dershowitz defends him.

CHICAGO -- Worried that rapists and abusers might not be adequately represented in Congress, Kennedy kin William Kennedy Smith is considering a run for a soon-to-be-vacated seat from Chicago's North Side. Smith is described as a "crusader" for victims of land mines. The nephew of Sen. Teddy Kennedy, Smith beat the rap in 1991 on a charge of raping a woman at the Kennedy Compound in Florida after a night of drinking with Uncle Teddy and the senator's son Patrick, now a Democratic United States representative from Rhode Island. Uncle Teddy reportedly has offered to give nephew Bill driving lessons to enhance his appeal with Chicago's women voters.

WEST PALM BEACH, Florida -- Nathaniel Brazill, 14, got 28 years in a Florida slammer for icing high-school teacher Barry Grunow with a bullet between the eyes. Nathaniel said Grunow was his favorite teacher but hacked him somewhat when he sent him home for throwing water balloons, then wouldn't let him return to say bye-bye to a girlfriend. Nathaniel took the news with aplomb. "I'll only be 41 when I get out. I might become a civil rights crusader, or change my name to Kennedy and run for Congress," he said. The judge's order sent teachers in Florida slammers to the exits, since Nathaniel was ordered to get a high-school equivalency diploma now that he has loads of spare time. "I'm not going to run the risk of having Nathaniel in my class and maybe becoming his favorite teacher," declared one.

CHAPPAQUA, New York -- Neal Knox, editor of Gun Week during the late 1960s, recalls a window sign printed by anti-gun nuts in Chappaqua. It read: "Proud Supporter of Gun Control. This is a gun-free home." Knox says: "After about a month, the signs all quietly came down as the word went out about the number of those Chappaqua homes being burgled and robbed."

PORTLAND -- Delegates to the Oregon Democratic party approved a resolution asking Congress to investigate five justices of the United States Supreme Court for "their role in the presidential election." Apparently word hasn't gotten to Oregon that the Supreme Court is just that - supreme.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Does Jimmuh Carter approve of the way Democrats are conducting the Gary Condit defense?

"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by: