August 6, 2001 -

LARRUPIN LONGHORNOGRAPHY!

---

The press doesn't feel at home on the range; Harlem loves the Slickster,

---

and more. Now, the details...

CRAWFORD, Texas -- Waves of mutinous behavior swept the White House press corps when its denizens learned that President George W. Bush will take the White House to Crawford for a full month. "It's hot in Texas. And there are rednecks and plain people everywhere. It's disgusting. This is a plot by the evil Bushies to punish the beloved news media and we believe the American People will rise up and demand that President Bush buy a ranch at Martha's Vineyard," said a CBS anchorbubblehead.

News that Bush will spend a month away from Washington was welcomed by presidential watchers who indicate some level of brain activity. Exhibit A is the fact that Jimmuh Carter, premier presidential dunderhead of several centuries, was the champion at staying close to the Potomac. Jimmuh spent only one of every 18 days away from the White House, thus proving that home can be where the idiot was.

NEW YORK -- When it comes to blind love, Bill Clinton will always be president and Harlem will ever be an airhead intern from California. Harlem residents went the extra mile to welcome Clinton when he opened his office in Harlem. Forget the fact that Harlem was not the place Clinton wanted to be - he preferred the higher rent districts of Manhattan. Harlem has forgotten that. However, all bills come due and Bill never really has to pay them. Clinton's arrival acerbates the rental fees for business operations in Harlem. One poor soul who owns a store just across from the Clinton office says his rent will go from $1,900 a month to $8,000 next year. However, Bill and Hill probably will find some way to blame that on Ronald Reagan or George W. Bush and Harlem will continue to celebrate its savior.

MODESTO, California -- When it comes to sucking up to Democrats, Dan Rather is a white-faced Harlem. The fact that Rather's sparsely watched CBS Evening News has aired only (count 'em) one report on the Chandra Levy case probably will land Dangerous Dan an "exclusive" interview with Rep. Gary (The Silent Horndog) Condit. Conditologists see the CBS handling of the Condit/intern story as "responsible." Others see it as laughable.

Rather was not available to comment on the scoffing that broke out when word leaked that he is the leading candidate for a Condit network interview. "Dan is busy licking the boots Bill Clinton wore to Harlem and has a full schedule of genuflecting and fawning in preparation for a possible interview with Hillary on Family Values," said Tayle Twistuhr, Rather's publicist.

WASHINGTON -- There was bad news for the nation's news media. President George W. Bush's poll ratings went up, prompting the nation's newspapers and television networks to search the countryside for other news. The latest Washington Post-ABC News poll showed that Bush received a 59 percent job-approval rating and his personal favorability was 63 percent. The Post promptly relegated the story to Page A4.

MIAMI -- The Mason-Dixon Poll showed that former Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno could win a Democratic primary for governor but would lose badly to incumbent Republican Gov. Jeb Bush. "I'll approach this political race just the way I did when I was attorney general," Ms. Reno said. "At some point I might go in and just burn the landscape, the way I did at Waco, or I might ignore the whole thing, the way I did with President Clinton." Dan Rather was reported to be angling for an exclusive interview with Ms. Reno. "We hope to showcase her sensitive and lifelong commitment to child welfare," Rather blathered.

NEW YORK -- The intern from Hell, Monica, broke into the news again when she whacked Washington lawyer Victoria Toensing with her shopping bag during a chance meeting at New York's Penn Station. Toensing incurred the wrath of Lewinskynians when she opined that Monica's mom faked an emotional breakdown while testifying to a federal grand jury. Lewinsky denied that she intended to do harm. "I intended to whack her with my kneepads, but I left them in Chappaqua and the shopping bag was all I had," she said.

WASHINGTON -- Sen. Jeff Sessions became irritated with the Senate Democratic leadership for removing the words "so help me God" from oaths administered to witnesses during confirmation hearings. A Democratic spokesman said "so help me God" dates back only so far as the George Washington era. "We shouldn't be hung up on the words used by racists who didn't have the foresight to understand that The Almighty should rightfully refer to the Federal Government," said Cheepe Schott, a veteran Democratic operative.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Monica had whacked Mrs. Toensing with her White House designer handbag, would Victoria have a scar reading "JB?"

"From Cottonwood Cove" is syndicated by: