August, 13, 2001 -

PROFITABLE PUFFING!

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Smoke yourself rich; there's the mile-high club,

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and more. Now, the details...

LOS ANGELES -- Millions of California citizens have begun chain-smoking for fun and profit after a typically muddled California jury tried to award $3 billion to Richard Boeken because he allegedly smoked two packs of Marlboros a day for 40 years. "The way I figure it, the jury said Richard was due $102,739.73 a pack," said Kleene Airhedde, a former non-smoker. Airhedde said he plans to market his "Smoke Yourself Rich" plan once he is able to acquire cancer, emphysema, PMS, toenail fungus or premature ejaculation from smoking. Airhedde said he is only slightly disappointed by a Superior Court judge's recommendation that Boeken's bonanza be reduced to $100 million. "I'd say the judge's decision is wrong but it still comes out to $3,424.66 a pack," he said.

The California legislature is watching the lawsuit situation closely. "If the judge's $100 million award is upheld, we plan to increase the state cigarette tax to $3,420 a pack," said Democrat Percival P. Puffre.

MIAMI -- Let's see if we can get this straight. When a shark attacks you, fight fire with fire? That interpretation comes from a threatened lawsuit by the family of Krishna Thompson, who retained bottom-feeding predator Johnnie Cochran to sue lifeguards for not leaping into the water and taking the bites a shark was inflicting on Krishna while he swam at a Bahamian resort. "The Krishna lawsuit opens up exciting new areas of litigation," said Sue M. Freeley of the famed law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe. "Once Johnnie is successful in suing the lifeguards, we plan to sue Secret Service agents for not leaping in and saving President Clinton from the oral sex being administered by Monica Lewinsky." Freeley said the legal concept is based in baseball. "It is popularly known as `taking one for the team,'" she said.

MIAMI -- A coalition of senior citizen and immigrant-rights pressure groups plans to sue Fly Key West because a Cuban man and woman in their 60s were killed in a crash. Fly Key West is a "niche," business, so to speak. It offers single-engine charters that allow passengers to see Key West from the air, while having sex. Pilot Thomas P. Hayashi told FBI investigators his passengers were more involved in hijacking the airplane to Cuba than joining the mile-high sex club. He said the crash happened when the male passenger attacked him and fell atop the throttle. Protesters pronounced Fly Key West negligent since there is no evidence that the air service provided Viagra for older passengers. "Many older Americans can identify with the plight of the two passengers. They simply said, `We can't do it. Screw it. Let's go to Cuba.'"

CHAPPAQUA, New York -- There are few items in the news that interest me less than former President Clinton's $10 million book deal. However, I can recommend a title that encompasses the entire Clinton presidency, from oral sex to the eight-year cover-up. How's about, "Loose Zipper; Zipped Lips."

MILWAUKEE -- This refutes the belief some of you have that all really stupid ideas are born in California. Witness the fact that Wisconsin's $47 billion state budget contains $40,000 to provide homeless people with free voice mail. Some conservatives deem this to be a ridiculous welfare benefit, while some of us disagree. I contend the homeless should be allowed to suffer voice mail with the rest of us. If, say, a hobo calls his drug dealer and gets five minutes worth of the pusher's granddaughter playing the flute, well maybe he or she will be motivated to find a home. The Wisconsin program might well be expanded to require bums to dial an automated answering machine at least once daily. It's very likely that people would prefer digging ditches to, say, trying to figure out how to speak to a real, live human being at the welfare office.

HOUSTON -- Texas Attorney General John Cornyn has touched off a storm with his contention that illegal aliens don't deserve better health care than we taxpaying citizens have. Public hospitals in several large cities offer preventive medical care to illegals but Cornyn has issued a written opinion noting that federal law prohibits using tax dollars to provide non-emergency services to illegals. "If this decision stands, millions of illegal aliens will have no choice other than stealing cigarettes, smoking up a storm and suing Philip Morris," said Guillermo Gratis, head of an immigrant-rights group.

CHICAGO -- No discussion of graft and extortion would be complete without a Jesse Jackson story. The Rev. Jackson last week shook down Toyota Motor Sales USA for a commitment of billions of dollars to enhance Toyota's "diversity" program. Jackson's threats to Toyota were direct. "If we don't get the money, we will not buy Toyotas. We will not rent Toyotas. Hell, we won't even steal Toyotas," he said.

TOW, Texas -- I read that Rosie O'Donnell recently had a "moment of empathy" for the Houston woman who drowned her children. I sometimes wish Rosie's mother had had such a moment.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Should cigarettes be outlawed on grounds that they cause stupid lawsuits?

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