August 20, 2001 -

FEROCIOUS FROGGOGRAPHY!

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The French are upset; there's Hearne

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and lots more. Now, the details...

PARIS -- There is good news for America! Europeans are bent out of shape because President George W. Bush seems to be governing with United States interests in mind. A poll in the International Herald Tribune shows that Europeans believe Bush is a "unilateralist," who is concerned only with his own country. Francisco Frogge, a French activist, said he will move to Florida to try to stem the evil Bush tide in the next U.S. election. "I believe I can master the intricacies of the butterfly ballot," Frogge said, adding: "After all, we Frenchies saved America from the Germans twice and now it is up to us to save the world from the evil Bush."

HEARNE, Texas -- I have sad news about the hometown of my present wife, Carole. Carole graduated from Hearne High School in 1959 when Hearne was a reasonably active agricultural town in the rich blacklands of the Brazos River bottom. There was hope for economic betterment when Wal-Mart opened a store in Hearne. There was despair when Hearne became one of the few cities in America where Wal-Mart closed a store and walked away. The closing didn't come from lack of economic activity - there was plenty of that. But Hearne denizens apparently were so busy that they left the store without paying for an average 30 percent of what went out the door. The latest hernia for Hearne comes from the Texas Education Agency, which reports that Hearne is the ONLY school district in Texas deemed academically unacceptable, based on last year's basic-skills tests and dropout rates.

NEW YORK -- Katie Couric took a giant leap toward catching Dan Rather as the nation's Numero Uno Network Knucklehead with a plea on the "Today" show for money to defend confessed child murderer Andrea Yates. "Katie's action is a watershed for women in America," said Irene Infanticide, president of Late, Late, Late Term Abortions, adding: "Dan has had the network news idiot ratings category to himself for years. Now a woman is challenging him." Rather was unfazed by the unexpected challenge. "Dan has done or said something stupid every week for decades now and he is not worried about a little blip from a mouthy knothead from NBC," a spokesthing said.

A Couric courier noted that Katie's future plans are not yet decided. "She might jump to another network, or she is considering moving to Hearne, Texas to see if she can be valedictorian of a high-school class," the courier chattered.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals put off the execution of Napoleon Beazley, who murdered the father of a federal judge in a 1994 carjacking. Beazley backers contend that Napoleon was only 17 when he shot John Luttig in the head and tried to kill Luttig's wife. "It was a youthful indiscretion. Napoleon wanted to steal Mr. Luttig's Mercedes so he could drive to Hearne, Texas and become an honor student. It is un-American to give the ultimate penalty to a young man who simply wanted to better himself," said Beazley supporter Hedde Shotte.

Convicted killer Jeffery Doughtie wasn't so lucky. Doughtie met the Cleansing Needle for using a metal pipe to beat the life out of an elderly couple who refused to give him money to support his $400-a-day drug habit. Jeffery was simply unlucky. Neither Jerry Dean, 80, nor his wife, Sylvia, 76, was related to anyone famous, so killing them was deemed to be socially unacceptable.

NEW YORK -- A decade after black riots in the Crown Heights section of New York saw rampaging African-Americans marauding against Jewish residents, the mighty New Dork Times published a story calling the rioting, well, "rioting." This presumably means that in about another nine years the Times will publish an anniversary story on this year's Cincinnati race riots, calling them, well, riots. The Times has generally labeled the black rioting as "protests" or "insurrections."

SAN FRANCISCO -- The death drain from AIDS ran wild in the 1980s, then tapered off when homosexual men discovered certain death and condoms. It's about to resume now that drug treatments have made unprotected kinky sex a pleasure again. "I think the promiscuity of the 1970's is back," said Dr. Virginia Cafaro, an HIV specialist in San Francisco, who says she sees more men who were newly infected, and is hearing increased accounts of high-risk sexual behavior in the gay men she treats. Long-range effects of the increased exposure to the AIDS virus are expected to be devastating: increased Medicaid costs for treatment and a shortage of interior decorators.

CHAPPAQUIDDICK, Massachusetts -- Friends and associates of Sen. Teddy Kennedy deny an upcoming National Enquirer report that Kennedy is seriously ill with cirrhosis of the liver. The Enquirer plans to publish the story under the headline: "Ted Kennedy Dying." Samantha Swimmre, a diving instructor at Chappaquiddick, said the story is erroneous and based on an unfortunate incident when the Senator was swimming nude in low light. "Local whalers mistook Teddy for a white whale and grazed him with a harpoon," Swimmre said.

MODESTO, California -- Job offers are flooding in for Democratic Congressman Gary Condit, who is in political trouble because his name is linked to the mysterious disappearance of Chandra Levy. "Condit is 53 and has confessed to being a serial adulterer with a 24-year-old intern as well as a host of other younger women," said Timothy T. Turgidde, a recruiter for stars in Viagra commercials. "We'll take him in a heartbeat."

Veteran Viagra pitchman Bob Dole said he can remain friends with Condit, despite the Congressman's troubles. "I know Gary is sad. Right now, he's my other little blue friend," Dole said.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If the Germans and French both disapprove of GWB's presidency, why aren't his U.S. approval ratings above 95 percent?

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