August 27, 2001 -

CLAMOROUS CONDITOGRAPHY!

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Gary's toast; GWB's in white light, and there's Cur Chapel in Vermont.

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Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Comments flooded in from Gary Condit's interview with ABC's Connie Chung. Former White House Designated Humidor Monica Lewinsky said she didn't understand Condit's explanation of his relationship with missing intern Chandra Levy. She said: "Well, as I, like, understand it, it was, like, close but no cigar." Presidential grave-watchers reported rumblings from the vault containing Lyndon B. Johnson. Lassie Byrd Jackson, an LBJ loyalist, explained: "We believe the ghost of LBJ was disturbed when no one mentioned that Lyndon was the premier presidential/political stud of modern memory. He once complained about press stories indicating Jack Kennedy had a lot of women. Lyndon said he got more by accident that JFK ever had on purpose."

NEW YORK -- There's good news, I guess, for President George W. Bush. Actress Shirley MacLaine has a Bush-beneficial bombshell. New York Post columnist Cindy Adams quotes MacLaine as saying, "I had a vision. I saw this great white light shining in the Oval Office, enveloping George Bush in its warmth. I now know George Bush is God's divine plan for us."

AUSTIN, Texas -- The Austin American-Statesman, the best San Francisco newspaper published in Texas, heralded the phenomenon of gays and lesbians moving out of homo-ghettos and into the countryside. The newspaper reports breathlessly that the Austin area "has emerged as a magnet," ranking third (behind Miami-Fort Lauderdale and San Francisco-Oakland) in the percentage of same-sex couples. The Census Bureau, it seems, found one gay or lesbian couple in 99.3 percent of all counties in the nation. Only 22 counties were homosexually deprived - including Kenedy, Roberts and Loving counties of Texas. A spokesthing for Texas gays and lesbians announced plans to recruit a homocouple to move to Loving County. "I know it's damned near in New Mexico but maybe we'll find the right people for Loving," said Kermitte Kinke.

LOS ANGELES -- We have had a surfeit of education from the Gary Condit thingie. For instance, the people who vote in Palm Beach County, Florida probably didn't know until Condit that it is not a crime to lie on national television. However, it wasn't so well known that it IS a crime to lie to an FBI agent. Which brings us to possible charges against President Clinton's little brother, Roger, who told FBI interviewers "I'm not stupid." The agents were interviewing Roger about money and a Rolex watch he received for trying to get a Bill Clinton Get Out of Jail Free card for a convicted drug dealer. A veteran FBI agent said there will be no charges against Roger. "I once interviewed Jane Fonda and she also said she wasn't stupid," he explained.

HOUSTON -- Spurred by Wisconsin's pioneering brain death in providing voice mail for the homeless, Houston has launched a program to offer free e-mail and use of personal computer software to the three million residents of the Sauna on the Bayous. The service will begin in three low-income areas, then spread like snail-mail through the city. Houston Mayor Lee Brown, who once showed up to vote in a Democratic runoff that had no races to decide, said he can use e-mail. "Of course I can," Brown said, adding: "I'm not stupid." Brown's comments were not made to FBI agents and cannot lead to prosecution.

ST. JOHNSBURY, Vermont -- Vermont, which lately has given us state-recognized "civil unions" and Jumpin' Jim Jeffords, now emerges with what is believed to be the world's first chapel for dogs. The doggie chapel has pews and stained-glass windows depicting African-American Labradors with halos (there are no black labs in politically correct Vermont). Former President Clinton caused a stir when he announced, then canceled, a visit to the church. "Bill didn't have his hearing aid tuned properly and he wanted to find a good Christian bitch who understands the missionary position," said Pitt Bulle, a Clinton social adviser.

RALEIGH, North Carolina -- The Senate's most unswerving conservative, Jesse Helms, announced he won't run for re-election after his current term ends a 30-year career. The North Carolina Republican's exit will leave the nation's press trying to find a new object for hatred and unprofessional vitriol. National Public Radio's Nina Totenberg once expressed a wish that Jesse die. She elaborated: "If there is retributive justice, he'll get AIDS from a transfusion, or one of his grandchildren will get it." Helms' relationship with the mass media got off to a rocky start when he was a commentator at WRAL (TV) in Raleigh, where he routinely referred to the Raleigh News & Observer as the "Nuisance & Disturber."

NEW YORK -- The National Organization for Women has set up a defense fund for Andrea Yates, who drowned her children. At this moment there has been no companion fund created for the male Ukrainian monster who murdered his family.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If more gays and lesbians move to the country, will this mean new kinks in rural life?

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