September 3, 2001 -

SNOW PROBLEM!

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What about a Fargo White House? Indianism gets drubbed again and there's mixed news of mixed-up folk.

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Now, the details...

CRAWFORD, Texas -- Some of us are still rolling on the floor in glee over the discomfiture the evil George W. Bush has visited on the White House Press Corps by bringing these prickly jerks and jerkettes to Crawford, Texas for most of the month of August. So much so that we suggest a movement to convince GWB to buy a ranch near Fargo, North Dakota, for use as a Winter White House. We are told that the quantum plunge in the median IQ of Crawford is now on the mend, since the national media has gone back to where it thinks it belongs.

POOLESVILLE, Maryland -- It seems some fools in Maryland believe "Indian" is a dirty word - of sorts. Joined by other dimwits, the Maryland Commission on Indian Affairs wants to rid high school sports of team nicknames using "Indians" "Braves" or "Warriors" as their nicknames. If the movement spreads to Washington, the NFL might have a new team. Maybe the Washington Palefaces?

Since nothing spreads faster than a truly stupid movement, Maryland also has a nascent movement to get rid of animal-inspired mascots at schools. Montgomery County Maryland is home, for instance, to the Churchill High School Bulldogs. Denizens of Frisco, Texas are watching the Maryland insanity with interest. "If this catches on, this will be the end of our sports teams - the Frisco Fighting Coons."

MIAMI -- In a distinctly illiberal move, a Miami federal judge has upheld Florida's ban on homosexuals adopting children, observing that the state has a "legitimate purpose" in placing children with husband-and-wife couples. Judge James L. King said Florida made a credible case that homoparenting is not in the "best interest of the child."

MIAMI -- In an associated case of mixed-sex embrace, former Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno plans to announce on Tuesday that she will ask Florida Democrats to adopt her as the party's candidate for governor. A Stonewallian speech to a gaggle of government-paid lawyers forced one of her Democratic opponents to conclude that Reno has "that certain rock-star quality." One mixed-up Democratic lawyer gushed: "There's something very special about her. She's the first candidate that really turns me on." It's possible that counseling for the man is available under his health-insurance plan.

DALLAS -- A distinctly conventionally sexed couple, Texas Republican Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison and her husband, Ray, announced they have adopted a four-month-old girl. Senator Hutchison is 58; Ray 68. Ray Hutchison said he plans to go in costume to his new daughter's college graduation. "I think I'll dress up as Strom Thurmond," he said.

SACRAMENTO, California -- No discussion of perverts would be complete without a story from California. Ours involves Reed Hastings, California Gov. Gray Davis' handpicked president of the state Board of Education. Reporters dug up the fact that Mr. Hastings' latest venture, an online movie rental site called Netflix, offers such gay porno releases as "Barely Legal," "Mad About the Boy" and "Boy 2: Boys at Play." The last title is said to be "eight of Slovakia's most desirable males in an erotic fantasy spectacular." Maybe I'll wait and read the book.

In a case involving planned abandonment of a sexual being, California Democrats drew a redistricting map that makes it almost impossible for Gary (Big Horns) Condit to win another term in Congress.

DURBAN, South Africa -- America's ranking racist, Jesse Jackson, joined 6,000 other mushheads at the weeklong United Nations conference on racism and discrimination. Jackson stopped just short of blaming Strom Thurmond, Bull Connor and George W. Bush for his parenting of an illegitimate child. (Some delegates to the conference reported seeing a ghostly apparition of comedian Flip Wilson's "Geraldine" character masquerading as Jackson and complaining, "The debbil made me do it.") Jackson left the conference early, planning to stop in Sudan to buy a couple of slaves to be servants to his new daughter. "It's hard to get good help in California," he explained.

NEW YORK -- The mighty New Dork Times came near apoplexy on its editorial page over President George W. Bush's facile use of a chain saw on his Texas ranch. Passing strange, since the Times probably would erupt in spontaneous celebration were Bush to kill himself with a saw, or a butter knife. However, the Times believes he should at least wear an armored vest while chain sawing and a metal-mesh mask as well. However, veteran Timeswatchers believe there is a hidden agenda. "The people at the Times don't know that trees have no real sexuality and they fear that Bush might be cutting gay thorn trees," said Axel Rodde. Rodde suggested Bush might forestall future Times attacks on his chain saw technique by announcing he is wearing a condom.

RICHMOND, Virginia -- There is a startling admission hidden in a New Dork Times story about the heated governor's race. The Times intones: "The Virginia governor's race has taken a distinctly negative turn." Now how has that happened? The Timesfink explains that supporters of the leading Republican "have begun running radio advertisements that portray the Democratic ticket as the most liberal ever..." It's refreshing to see the Times recognizing that left-wing politics is "negative."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison wanted to cement the liberal vote, should she have adopted a lesbian baby?

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